Maze
by PanicButton
Summary: ReidCentric/slight slash: sequel to LOST: The team continue to struggle to repair and find their ways after the events which ripped them apart physically and mentally. Swearing in context
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

_Every parting is a form of death, as every reunion is a type of heaven: - __Tryon Edwards_

Maze

**A/N: Slash warning.- this is a shortish joining chapter…the fic starts properly next chapter….thank you !**

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

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They made it perfectly clear that I wasn't really welcome, but what did they call me back for if not for this.

It was months.

He was finally home but only if someone could stay with him.

This wasn't the Reid we had grown to love. This was something smaller and somehow more fragile than the one we had known before.

He clung helplessly onto Flanders. Who in turn clung back though his reasons for the clinginess were jealousy and well maybe he thought this was how you showed love? I'm not sure that he can show it. I had him down when I first knew of him as a sociopath, but that was wrong. He can love. I'm just not sure he knows the appropriate way to show this emotion. For Flanders love and sex and food and pain are all connected and this isn't uncommon. I just don't like it being around Reid when he is in the obvious confused state he is in. Now home from the hospital I have all intentions of keeping Flanders away from him.

Right now I am sitting in his small apartment where I have been spending my nights sleeping on his couch. Spencer is sitting where he always does. Well where he has done in the days since we have been home. He has been home…this is not my home. He sits curled up into himself - body and mind and just stares out over the room and out of the window and over at the sky. He doesn't talk. He only eats or drinks if I put the plate or mug in his hand. He doesn't look at me and he doesn't respond to my questions.

"Is there anything you need?"

But he doesn't even look at me.

"You need to shower."

And he still doesn't look at me or move. I will have to get up and physically pull him from the chair to get him to move. This isn't working. He isn't going to heal with the barriers he has put in place. He is defending himself against me and I just hope to the gods that he doesn't realise how close he was to having his life support turned off….How close he was to me killing him.

"I'll have a shower first. Do you want a drink? A sandwich?"

He won't answer me. I know that, but I will feel the need to ask.

"I wont be long." And I stand up and just look down at him for a while. He was always a skinny kid, but now it has reached a point where he looks like he will die if he tries to move. I put a hand out and place it on the top of his head, and now he reacts. He flinches away. He won't let me touch him.

I sigh and walk to the bathroom.

-o-o-o-

I know.

I know what he was going to do.

How can I trust a man who walks out when I need him most then returns to turn off my life support?

I know what he was going to do….and I wont forget it. I might forgive…eventually, but I will never forget, and I will never trust him with my life. Not if it meant so little to him.

They keep saying I have closed down, but I haven't – I am very much here. I just have no reason to talk to him. He acted like a surrogate father. He did it well. He acted exactly like my father did. Only the abuse was different.

There is only one constant in my life. Only one constant I want.

Hotch is there too. He comes to see me and I know he read to me in hospital. I know he argued with Gideon and I know it was he who had Floyd brought to me, but his visits are short and awkward. I know he would rather see me alone, but Jason won't let him. He seems to have taken on this role to protect me from everything.

But it's way too late for that now.

Much too late.

I sit and stare out of the window and I can hear the shower running and I close my eyes at the thought of being here alone in my room with no eyes watching my every scratch and move and twitch. I can relax my hands and allow them the tremble slightly on my knees. They do that a lot. I can't hold a pen. I can't write my name but that really doesn't matter right now…I can't remember how to spell it anyway.

I can hear the knock at the door and I don't move because Gideon is always there first. He can move faster and he likes to vet who I talk to. The two sounds…the running water and the tapping on the door carry on and I realise in my slow way that Gideon won't answer the door. So slowly I get up and stand still while the room spins around for a while.

I have to walk holding onto the furniture. I end up just meandering in circles if I don't. They – the wise guys at the hospital say it will slowly get better…but it doesn't seem to be.

The knocking on the door gets more persistent and the water is still flowing and now Jason is singing and it hurts my head and makes the room spin a bit more.

For a minute I stand and re-brace myself. I don't move. If I did I would fall on my face and then Jason will have his reason for never leaving me alone and I can't let that happen.

A deep breath.

I look over at my door and it suddenly feels like it is a million miles away.

A sigh.

Whoever it is will be gone before I am half way there…and this is why Jason jumps up and answers the door every damned time. This time it is me. Even if the caller has gone by the time I get there, I will do this.

When I get to the door I stand and rest my head on the cool dark wood. My hands are shaking too much to work the lock. I have to think and relax and try to control what my brain is telling my body to do.

"Hang on – hang on." I mutter to myself. "I'm here now…just wait." And I lift my right hand and press it hard against the door. Sometimes this helps. Sometimes it reminds the brain of this thing on the end of my arm.

I crawl my hand to the lock and my fingers are damp with sweat so I have that to contend with also now. I just want to open the door! I just want to be able to open my own damned door!

My head is screaming with pain now and my whole body has started to shake with the effort of trying to get the lock open.

I hear it click and I hear my sigh and I slowly pull the door open.

My stomach clenches and my head swims as I look at the person the other side of the door.

Floyd's hair had been cut. Long on the top but shorter at the sides. He had on a white shirt with a dark red slightly fitted jacket over the top….the shirt cuffs showing at the ends of his jacket sleeves. His trousers high waisted and belted. He was smoking…and he had his boots on.

I knew I was staring.

He looked beautiful.

I had forgotten how much I missed him.

My mouth opened to say something but he shook his head and placed a finger over my lips.

"Is Gideon here?"

I nodded.

"The bedroom still has a lock? One he won't be able to use from the outside."

Again I nod.

He drops his smoke to the outside hall floor and grinds his heel on it and then he steps in closer to me.

"I missed you." And he has my hands in his. "I need to finish what I started."

And I nod slowly. My voice seems to have abandoned me completely.

He slides his arms around me and holds me tight…

And a memory from my childhood pops into my head….a dark building in the desert and a secret innocent kiss on the lips.

His mouth meets mine as he pushes me back into the apartment and guides me backwards towards the room which used to be ours. He knows I am unsteady – he can feel the way I am shaking and I think he can feel the way my tongue is searching for a way by his lips which he licks and then parts.

I'm not sure how we got to the bedroom….I don't remember the journey at all. I just remember the smells and the hands and the pops of memory sparking here and there and I can feel him push me back onto the bed and pull greedily at my shirt buttons and one at a time they are undone and his mouth has left mine now and he is kissing my neck and his hands are one on the side of my face with his thumb sliding slowly into my mouth and the other I can feel fingers in my hair and a mouth now moving down to my chest and he is sitting astride me and his hands are touching me on every part of my body he can reach. He pulls the shirt down my arms and kisses my shoulders and down my arms to my hands which are shaking now for completely different reasons and my fingers are being sucked on one at a time and nibbled on and his fingers are drawing circles on my chest.

I move my free hand and I carefully touch his hair and run my fingers over his ear. I want to look into his eyes…I want to see that dark burning that makes my own eyes water but he has his head down and so I close my eyes and tip my head back slightly offering him my throat.

I feel his mouth on my stomach and his hands touching new parts of my body he hasn't played with before….new marks and scars and indentations where my flesh had been damaged and my hands are in his hair and I want to reach his skin but he still has the damned jacket on. This sparked off memories again…he liked to keep his clothes on…

Was that insecurity?

"Babes."

I opened my eyes and looked up at the dark eyes looking down at me.

"You OK with this?"

I frowned at him…..

"You are asking me?" He never asks me.

"I just need to know if I am going to have to – I don't know…force you."

I shook my head. "Please just carry on." And as I spoke I can feel his hands moving downwards and mine following and he undoes my belt and waistband and my fingers slid and struggle with his belt and small row of buttons. "Did you have to wear something so complicated to get off?" I said as much to myself as anything and his hand gently moves mine out of the way.

"Sorry Babes….I wasn't thinking."

"Sorry?"

"Oh hush you….let me help you out or we will be old men and still struggling with buttons."

He was being gentle….well for Floyd's standards he was. I knew…

Bang……a memory short through my mind……he was not going to prepare me.

Bang……he was going to go in hard and fast.

Bang……he would want me to bite him if I could reach his skin……and he pulled me and manoeuvred me until I could feel him against me and the world drifted away. The memories of being hung from the hook were erased…the feeling of my life leaving me was gone and all I could feel now was Floyd.

One of my hands gripped the bedding I was laying on and the other had its fingers in Floyd's washed clean hair as his mouth sucked and bit at me and I wanted to return and as his neck presented it self to me I was there biting and running my tongue over his throat.

"What the hell?"

That wasn't Floyd's voice.

"Get out of here!"

That still wasn't Floyd's voice.

"Ignore him." That was Floyd….Oh god – Gideon. I had forgotten about Gideon and now it was too late I couldn't stop him now even if I wanted to – which I didn't.

"Go - away - Jason." And I could tell my voice sounded out of breath and full of lust…he must have heard it.

"Flanders get out." Gideon was still talking.

"I can't….not until….soon…." And he pushed harder and I laughed…and I think that was probably the first laugh I had expressed in six months. "You – don't want me – to get out – do you?" He was looking down at me and licking his lips and my body responded as my back arched and I closed my eyes…

Did Gideon stand and watch Floyd make love to me? I don't know….

The only thing I knew was he didn't get out…not out of me and not out of the apartment.

When he finally relaxed on me and then moved down and I wanted to scream because I needed more…I needed this endlessly - he took me into his mouth and gave me all.

-o-o-o-

That sweet taste.

There is nothing to compare.

I have had a few blokes in my mouth but this was the only one I ever wanted to come back to. The only one I had in my dreams….the only one I would give up everything for.

I don't know why his skin tastes so good to me…I could live off him…I could spend my day and lick every part of this skinny body and I probably will….

Tomorrow….I will do that tomorrow…I will strip him in the shower…I will let him strip me and I will run my tongue over ever inch of that sweet skin and then I will let him do the same to me.

Tomorrow….

**A/N2: Please r&r - thank you!**


	2. Chapter 2 My Dad

Chapter 2

My Dad

_I am proud to be considered a role model for my child. I hope he grows up to be just like me: - 666_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

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"Get your things together and get out."

I knew he had been standing there. I could smell him and if he thought he was going to intimidate me he was mistaken.

I picked up the coffee mug from the oak coffee table and sipped at my drink. "You are in no position to tell me what to do. If I leave Spencer leaves with me and goes back to the hospital and neither of us want that to happen."

He moved around the back of the couch and now stood in front of me just watching. He then slowly sat down on the table and leaned forwards with his elbows on his knees and his chin resting on the back of his hand. "Well Jason – I hope you don't mind me calling you that, I think you will find I am listed as next of kin and if I tell you to get the hell out of here then you will. I think you might even find that I pay the bills for this place. This is my home as much as it is Spencer's and I don't want you here."

I took another sip of my coffee and looked at him. "You are mistaken Flanders. You were temporary next of kin for emergency purposes only and I don't give a damn if you pay the bills here or not…Spencer is here on the condition that I stay to care for him."

"I don't need a carer."

I hadn't realised that Spencer was standing behind me and for the second time that day he surprised me. I had hardly heard him speak at all until – well until the bedroom.

"You need someone to cook and clean for you."

And now Spencer moved slowly around the couch too but he went to his chair and slid slowly down into it. "I have Floyd."

I wasn't prepared to go into details of why this wasn't a very good arrangement and so changed direction on it slightly. "The plan wasn't to stay here though. I wanted to take you to the cabin. Go fishing. Spend some time healing in peace."

And again I was surprised. I thought Flanders would jump in there and say something, but he kept quiet. He just moved slightly so that he was looking at Spencer over the top of his hand.

"The cabin doesn't actually bring back happy memories."

I nodded. "I can understand that Spencer, but I wanted us to get back what we've lost."

And still Flanders stayed silent and Spencer shook his head. "You just proved to me Gideon that I can't trust anyone." Reid looked at Flanders. "He is the only thing I know will always come through for me. He wont back off he wont run away without reason and he will definitely never turn my life support system off."

Knowing that Spencer knew what had happened came as a shock. I don't know who told him, but it couldn't have been that overly pretty man sitting on the table…he was virtually dead himself at the time. I let out a sigh.

"Can't you see that he is just using you?" And I saw a puzzled frown on his face.

"Because of what you saw you think he is using me?"

I was looking at this frail young man sitting with his hands shaking on his knees and human bite marks over his neck and I wondered what it was Reid needed from Flanders. It couldn't be love. The man showed no love. He showed lust and sex and violence but I had never seen him show love.

"Gideon –I let him in – he didn't break in and rape me. It was what I wanted….and I am sorry if I am a disappointment but it is what I am."

I looked between the two of them. "I think I can see why you might think this is what you want Spencer…but this man is abusive and I want him to leave." I Paused. "You are not a disappointment Spencer."

"Erm – excuse me." Floyd stood up and walked over to Spencer. He bent down and placed on hand on the side of his face and the other on his right hand. He moved forwards until their lips touched and he gave Spencer a light kiss on the mouth. "I will see you later. Rest. Tonight I am taking you to the club."

The monster turned to look at me. "I trust you. I know you don't have sexual desires towards him. I know this is a fatherly relationship but Gideon I warn you….if you hurt him….if you leave him again when he needs you I will hunt you down….and I will skin you….and I will feed your carcass to the crows and being who I am I know just the place. Don't you mess with me and I won't mess with you. Take care of him."

He stroked the top of Spencer's head the way a parent would a child and it made my skin crawl. Everything just felt so soiled and wrong….and not because it was two men. That wasn't the problem here, it was because it was Flanders. I looked up at him and then stood.

"He needs rest."

"He has plenty of time to rest. It should be easy for him to sleep…I just fucked his brains out…he is going to need a lot of time to recover from that buggering."

"Why do you do this?" I was feeling sick listening to this man.

"Do what? Fuck Spencer?"

I shook my head. "No…why do you drag it down to such a sordid level. Why do you try to make me hate you for being so vulgar?"

"Because that is what you think of me. You see me and you see something which has taken your precious child and despoiled him…but you forget something Gideon…I've known him a lot longer than you would like to think." He turned to Spencer and I could see a questioning frown cross Reid's face. "You were what? Twelve? Nearly thirteen? When we started to get to know each other properly."

"Just get out will you Flanders."

And he stood up straight and turned to me. "I will be back….and may I advise that you stop treating him like a crippled child. He had no problem with me just now…I don't see why he needs you here all damned day getting in the way."

"Floyd." Spencer spoke. "It's OK. I will go and lay down…come back tenish….I will have showered and gotten ready by then. Go chill out."

I noted how Reid didn't get up. I noted his shaking hands and I noted a glimmer of fear (?) or was it apprehension ? I wasn't sure…but I knew something wasn't right here.

I walked Flanders to the door. "I don't like this." I hissed at him.

"I'm not asking you for a blow job so you don't have to like it. This is between Spence and I and you can father him as much as you want, but Gideon that is the very role model he doesn't need. I know what his father did to him. I know. I was there. You only know a fraction of what is going on in his head. A tiny fraction….but if you come even close to hurting him again I swear I will kill you Gideon. And it will be slow."

"Just go, and remember to come back…as I said , I don't like this, but if this is what will make Spencer happy then so be it. And like wise young man….you hurt Spencer and you will regret it….and I am talking physical and emotional pain, and it starts with you treating him with respect and turning up at ten."

"Screw you Gideon – I'm not some punk taking your daughter to the prom. I will do what I want. He will do what he wants. He is a fully grown man with all the correct parts in the correct places and you will not treat him like a delicate flower of a girl. Get me?"

-o-o-o-

I can hear them yapping at the door and I want to get up and go to the bathroom but I don't want Gideon to see. I am sure I am bleeding. It didn't hurt at the time, or if it did it was one of those many times when pain and pleasure got confused. I am a bit concerned though that if I don't get up off the chair and into the bathroom now that Jason will see something is wrong.

I put my hands on the arms of the chair and try to keep a smile on my face but I think it's turned into a death like grimace and I am glad that Floyd is still telling him how it is at the door way. I knew he would do this. He gets very protective. He gets overly protective to the point that no one is even allowed to look at me….let alone touch me.

Ah god that did hurt and I can feel that the back of my bathrobe is stuck to me. With a sigh I reach out and put my hand on the wall and slowly use it to keep my balance as I walk to the bathroom, and I know that Floyd can see me, but he ignores me and now I realise why he is keeping Jason there…for this very reason…He knows me too well. He knows me better than anyone and I pause and look at the face. Those burning dark eyes and that hair and the perfect formation of his face and I know I am lucky for having such a beautiful person who would give his life for me.

I close and lock the bathroom door…this was where we made a mistake earlier….we should have locked the bedroom door. I smile to myself and push the bolt across the door and then pull my bathrobe off. I throw it into the laundry basket but I know that Gideon will see it there. I will have to do the laundry before I go out tonight.

Now I stand naked in front of the full length mirror and look at my body. I can see I am too thin….but then again I cant seem to work out exactly where I need more meat on me. I don't to put weight on. But I don't really want to lose any, but I know Floyd loves me as I am right now. He seems to like me with no muscle and with my ribs sticking out and he definitely likes my hip bones.

I stand and run my fingers slowly over my body and close my eyes and try to imagine doing this to Floyd. I try to work out what it is about my particular body he loves so much. What it is that seems to drive him out of his mind trying to get to it. I shake my head. I have no idea what it is and again I am left wondering if it is insecurity. He doesn't like muscles. I know that is one of the reasons he hates Morgan so much. That and his skin colour. He feels threatened by Morgan's strength. His raw brute strength. He feels the same with Hotch, but again it is different. With Hotch it's his mind he is bothered by. The way I will go to him for help or comfort. He hates the smell of him on me.

I walk to the shower to turn on the water and as I turn I can see the smears of blood down the back of my legs and across my buttocks. He hurt me. And I can feel that he hurt me….but as I move my hand to touch myself I realise that this is what I like. I like to see bite marks on my shoulders and around my nipples and I like to feel the weight of him on me and I adore the way he will just use me.

I step into the warm water wondering what that makes me. I like to be hurt. I don't think I could make love with someone who was too gentle and enjoy it. The two things are too closely linked and I cant blame Floyd for that. I was drawn to him partly because of the way he made me feel…the way he kept me constantly on edge. The way he would lash out for no reason and then pull me to him and kiss me better.

It was a cycle….and there was not much I could do to avoid it now.

I gave myself a good soaping. I soaped every part of me that I could reach. Some parts I soaped better and for longer than others ….my body was still demanding what Floyd had given it earlier….it wasn't ready to rest yet.

-o-o-o-

I was in the bar again. Too often I was finding myself here. Too often I was not remembering how I got home. Home to stand and stare out of my window over the road at the hopeful shadows.

Maybe tonight – maybe tonight I will see him again. I'm sure he was there yesterday. I can tell…the shadows get deeper somehow and the lights in the street seem to dim…almost like he is sucking the light out of the place.

I am in the bathroom…I have drunk too much and my body stinks of stale sweat and smoke and just the dirt of the day. I know Hotch is worried about me. I've seen him look at me. I have seen the look on his face when I've not slept that night and I have lain with my eyes open all night praying to the shadows that tonight he will come to me. He does. Sometimes he does.

And as I lay there I can feel the weight on the bed behind me and I can feel those rough hands on my shoulders and a finger running down my back and I can feel the hot breath on the back of my neck. He never touches my front. His hands sometimes move and press on my stomach, but they never wander lower and they never go higher. I don't know if it is out of some twisted Floydian respect or if it is simply that if his hands explore too far it will be too obvious to him that I am not a boy.

I'm not stupid. I know he doesn't desire me for my gender….I'm not sure why he does come to me. He could have any of the boys from the clubs he goes to. He could have Spencer. I am sure he could have Hotch he seems to be able to have what and how he likes and we are all defenceless against his onslaught.

You are not interested in what he does to me….how he does it to me….but it is the most wonderful thing ever. I can understand why Spencer will do almost anything to be with him. He seems to be able to get someone to completely degrade themselves for him. He doesn't care and nor do I.

I rub the soap in over my body and stand rubbing shampoo into my hair.

Damnit…soap in my eyes…at least the tears have a reason now….and …………

I feel the hands. But they are only in my imagination. I stand with my head tipped back and I let the water run over me and imagine what it would feel like to have him standing there behind me now with his hands resting on my hips and his mouth on my neck.

I want him so badly!

I could give him so much more than Reid could ever give him…I would do anything for him….and now the soap has gone from my eyes but they are still watering. I turn around and put my back against the cold tiles in the shower and let myself slide to the floor. How many times have I woken up in the morning cold and shivering in the shower tray?

-o-o-o-

I have my own room….but they lock me in at night….I hate it here….I want to go home, but they keep saying that I don't have a home to go to anymore. My dad has fucked off somewhere probably with his freakazoid lover Spence and me? Nothing.

I have to go to school, but I can't go to the normal fucking school can I? Fuck no….they wont have me because of my 'attitude' problem…and my 'anger' issues.

And they've never even bloody seen me angry…they haven't. They really need to see that one day.

This is my classroom. I am stuck here every bloody day with a load of loons and morons. I keep asking--

"What the fuck am I doing here?!" and they just say

"Sit down Sam…you are disturbing the class."

And so I throw things at her and I stabbed Morris Anderson with my pencil and he screamed like a skinned cat….and it reminded me, the next day I went hunting, but couldn't find a cat but I found that spinster Minter's yorkie and I skinned that and took it to school. They screamed and it was taken from me and I was told it was inappropriate behaviour and I had to stay in all lunch time….and THAT SUCKS and that is why I am here now and not out there throwing stones at the people walking past.

I got someone on the head once and had to stay in for a fucking whole sodding week!

Masturbation is something else they don't like you doing…but hell do they let you do anything? Fuck no they don't. I had my had up Louise Shamfords skirt and got in trouble for that too…damn near everyone else has screwed her and I wasn't even allowed to touch?

I hate it here….I hate it so bloody much and I know dad is out there having fun screwing around and I want to be with him. He said he would show me….he said he would teach me…and I have been shown nothing. He is too busy with Spencer…and

Emily….

He thinks I don't know?

He waits until she is cold from the shower then he takes her…he butt fucks her when she sleeps…he uses his smells and he keeps her drugged and she lusts after him in the morning like a pig in heat and doesn't even know she's been fucked senseless the day before.

When I grow up I want to be just like my dad.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3 Dead Ends

Chapter 3

Dead Ends

_The man of character, sensitive to the meaning of what he is doing, will know how to discover the ethical paths in the __maze__ of possible behavior.__: - __Earl Warren _

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

Somewhere along the line we have all lost our way.

I want to blame someone for it, but I don't know who. I want to hurt Gideon the way he hurt Spencer. I want to destroy Floyd the way he has slowly chipped away at him. I want to share my grievances with someone and I don't know who. I am sitting here once more with a meal Rosie has cooked for me and I am pushing my food around my plate knowing how much this worries her and knowing how much I should talk to her, but I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to pull her down to this empty place I am living in.

I need to see Spencer, but Gideon is there and I can't face him. I want to ask him what he thought he was doing trying to turn off Reid's life support….I want to ask him who the hell he thinks he is?!

He walked away and left Spencer in bits. At a point in his life he was struggling probably the most. At a point where he had no one but Gideon and he walked away.

I would stand and watch him reading the letter over and over again. He knew what it said. He remembered every damned word. It is etched forever into his brain – at least it was – but he still stared at the handwriting…searching for hidden meanings where there were none.

And we saw the struggle – and the pain – and now he walks back and takes over again.

"Aaron?" Rosie's voice. I look up at here and she has small frown lines between her eyes and I know I have hurt her.

"Rosie….I'm sorry." I put my fork down on my plate.

She is shaking her head and standing up. "Please never apologise. It's alright. I don't want you to feel you have to eat it."

I close my eyes and I hate myself for this. I have hurt her. She gives me unconditional love and I can even eat the food she prepares for me. I pick my fork up again and stab a bit of carrot. "No – Rosie…I am being selfish. I am hungry…I think it was helping me think things over. Gave me a focus."

She moved around the table and took up a seat next to me. "I can heat it up if it's cold but Aaron please don't feel you have to eat it."

I pop the bit of carrot in my mouth and its does taste wonderful She is a fantastic cook.

"You were thinking about Spencer?"

I turn to her and swallow my food and smile. "I'm sorry – yes – I worry about him."

"You love him."

A flat statement that I wasn't sure how to take and so I just nod and stab another bit of carrot.

"Why don't you go and visit him now he is home? Does the way he has changed scare you?"

And she has hit the nail on the proverbial head and I nod again. "He is damaged Rosie and I don't know if we will ever get him back again."

And now she nodded. "Aaron – from what you have said to me about that young man, he was probably born damaged. His skills are not normal. Maybe he will be able to be that now. Just a normal guy…a genius normal guy who can cope better with what is thrown at him."

I frown at this. Spencer…a normal guy…a normal guy under the influence of Gideon and Flanders….the very two people who are most likely to hurt him.

"Maybe I could go and see how he has settled in." I eat more of the food on my plate.

"Maybe you should forgive Gideon? Just so as you can move on."

And she is right…even though what Jason did – I feel is unforgivable, Rosie is right…to get back to Spencer I need to do that. I need to be able to look at Gideon and not feel hate.

As for Flanders….has he really done anything wrong?

-o-o-o-

I really am beginning to wonder if this is the right place for Sam.

As his main caregiver here and social worker I have decided it is time to meet with his father. I haven't yet because in cases like this where it is thought that the parent may have caused the child's problems we like to give it a settling period.

Sam hero worships his father. I don't feel I am going to like him so much.

A knock on the door and my assistant opens the door. She has with her Sam's teacher and behind her not what I was expecting at all.

I was expecting some giant of a brutish person. I was expecting the wifebeater and dirty jeans. I thought maybe a big scar on his fat unshaven face. What walked into the room with Sue was the total opposite.

He was shorter than I thought he would be….probably about five ten, and he was not the muscle bound freak I had been expecting. Mr Flanders was almost too pretty to be a man. He was dressed impeccably in a long black flock coat which was done up tightly around a slim body. He had shirt cuffs showing below his coat sleeves but his black boots didn't look like they had ever been cleaned. His thick dark hair was just 'there' being perfect surrounding a face which any woman would be happy to own as hers. He was wearing black fingerless gloves.

"Uh. This is Sam's father." Sue said.

I felt my eyes blink as I stood to take his hand. I felt awkward as he just stood and looked at me.

"You needed to talk to me about Sam?"

Oh god…a British accent. Could this person be any more perfect? I saw him raise an eye brow and for one horrible moment wondered if he could read my mind. "Yes. Nice to meet you Mr Flanders. Please take a seat."

I watched him sit. I watched him cross his legs and relax back into the comfort of the arm chair.

"Franks."

He spoke again….

"Excuse me? Franks?"

"My last name is Franks."

"Oh it says here Floyd Flanders."

"Franks. Floyd Flanders Franks."

I watched this man closely. I could see the resemblance between father and son…even down to the slightly – well almost a snarl to the voice. He didn't want to be here.

"I need to talk to you about your son."

He raised an eyebrow. "Well I gathered that much. Is he alright?"

"It's his behaviour and general attitude I would like to discuss with you. I really don't think that this school is the right place for you son. We had a board meeting and we really do think that Sam would be better of in a more secure unit. They will have the proper facilities to – uh help your son."

I watched the expressions move over his face. Puzzlement…surprise….anger? I wasn't sure how he was feeling about this.

"What did he do?" He finally said. And that voice again driving through me like fire. I found I couldn't look at him. This was the most uncomfortable situation I think I might have ever been in.

"He stabbed another child…and he sexually assaulted a class mate."

He nodded at me as though this was normal. "And the child survived?"

"Yes he did."

"And the sexual assault…a boy or a girl?"

"A girl."

I watched him stand up. "Then I can see only one problem here. I need to tell him to keep his hands off the girls. Take me to him."

"He is very abusive to all the staff members…verbally and physically." I needed to pull this back again and get him to sit and listen. I was having Sam moved out of this place by tonight. He was dangerous and not responding to the care we were giving him.

"Sue – can you please go and get Sam?"

I watched her get up and leave the room with Flanders closely behind her. He however didn't leave. He closed the door and flicked the lock and turned to look at me.

"I don't want him moved." His face seemed to have a spiteful dark look to it now….one I have often seen on Sam's face.

"He needs to be medicated. We don't have the staff here to cope with a child like Sam." I spoke my words coming out faster and faster as he walked towards me.

"You didn't tell me your name." His voice sounded strange and suddenly the accent made him feel odd an creepy.

"Daniel. Daniel Roberts." I swivelled my chair around so I was facing him and looked up into those weird too dark eyes.

"You won't mind me calling you Danny will you?"

And the voice over shadowed the fact that his fingers were on the front of my shirt and flicking the buttons open with a horribly practiced hand. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" I quickly placed my hand over his. "Please stop that." But is face was now very close to mine and his words were being said almost directly into my ear.

"I can smell it on you. I know you want me."

"You know nothing of the sort. Get your hands off me."

But now his mouth is on the side of my neck and I smell a strange deep smell and I think for a fleeting second that I want to stop this but the feeling doesn't last long. I feel him moving down. He's somehow managed to undo all my buttons and now he's working on my belt and jeans and when I look down I see the back of his head and he is licking at my chest and then down to my abdomen and I am standing there like a fool letting the father of my worst student seduce me in my office. I need to push him away and tell him to stop as I feel his mouth beginning to work on me. But my body is responding to his mouth and my hands just end up resting on the top of his head making sure he doesn't pull away.

I know I will be keeping Sam in the school and I know this is why this is happening and I really do need to pull away from him, but now his hands are clutching hold of my hips and he is down on one knee and I think I might have to scream but I cant because they will know.

They will know anyway.

They will guess…

"Oh my god….please……….."

but please stop or please more? I don't know any more my fingers are tangled in his lovely soft dark hair and my back is pressed against my desk and I have a feeling….oh god yes I have a very good feeling that if I permitted it…if I wanted it…if I let him know….he would push me over the desk and take my arse here and now…and I am thinking of Gloria my finance and I think of her body against mine and it still doesn't stop me wanting what this strange man is giving me.

"Please don't………………." but I'm not asking him to stop…I am asking him…I am begging him to carry on and suddenly I am on my back and the papers on my desk are going flying and my hole punch falls to the floor and scatters holes everywhere.

-o-o-o-

Once out of the shower I wrapped a big towel around myself and pulled picked my dirty bathrobe up out of the laundry basket.

"Spencer?"

Gideon was calling me. No time to do this now….I wrap is tightly and put it near the bottom of the basket with a dirty towel over the top. It will do for now.

When I come out – still wet from the shower my stomach turns to see Hotch standing in the hallway and I see the way he looks at me. And I know he is trying not to. I'm not sure what he is thinking. I don't know if he is looking at how thin I am…or at the bruises and marks or at the scars or if he is just looking at me in the way he used to.

"I'm sorry…I didn't know you were here – I'll go and get dressed."

And then we all just stood there looking at each other.

"Look…Hotch – Gideon – if you want to talk without me being around why don't you go somewhere else. This is my home, no this is our home, but you've already thrown my partner out, why not throw me out too?"

I am feel such an anger right now. I don't know if it's the shock of seeing Hotch or if it was the way they looked at me. What did they want from me? What did they expect. I was about to walk through my bedroom door but I turned back again and they were still just staring at me. "What?!" and now I am really cross and holding on to the towel tightly. "What are you staring at?"

I can see Hotch is going to say something so I quickly cut him off. "Is it the scars or the bite marks you are objecting to?"

Hotch took a step forward. "Spencer…."

"No! No Hotch please just go will you…give me some space. Give me room to breathe."

"I needed to see you were alright. I needed to see you."

I shook my head. "I'm not ready Hotch….Gideon….I just want to mend….please just leave me and let me heal."

"You will need to see someone Spencer. You need to talk everything through."

"No! No I don't want to. I just want silence. I want to be able to walk from by bathroom without the fear of bumping into people in my hallway. I want Floyd home. I want to feel safe and secure and I don't want to talk about being hung up on a hook to die. I don't want to remember it!" And I realise that I am shouting at them and they are looking at me with worried eyes. "Stop it please just get out and leave me." I take a step forwards but there is nothing to hold onto and I can feel I am going to fall. I can feel the balance has gone and I cant let go of my towel so I just close my eyes and let it happen.

"Spencer." A close up voice and a hand touching my arm. "Spencer?"

And I want them to go away….just to go and leave me but I know now they won't. I know now that all I want to do is to curl up on the floor and scream…at this point they won't leave me.

I don't know who it is talking to me….I don't recognise the voice.

It doesn't sound like Hotch or Gideon and I want to open my eyes but now I am back in that room and my toes curl up looking for the floor and suddenly I can't breath and I know even if I open my eyes I won't be able to see anymore…and if by chance I could my eyes would be bleeding. I keep them shut and I turn further to my side and I don't know how I am doing this if I am hanging and I can feel my neck has snapped and I can feel my trachea being crushed but I still managed to be sick.

-o-o-o-

They left a note for me on the door. _'Flanders: he is back in hospital…..' _and a telephone number. They left me a message. They let me know. I lick my lips and with the paper being slid into my pocket I walk away again.

Hotchner has been here. I can smell him in the hall way. I can also smell vomit and blood and other emotions I'm not sure about. They feel mixed…fear and relief.

I crouch and touch the floor. They carried him out. He wasn't awake. What the hell happened? I reach the telephone and pull the receiver off the cradle and I punch in the numbers.

It is a place called Woodlands Hospital. A mental facility. They've had him locked up and I am still puzzling over what the hell happened. I was going to take him clubbing…I was going to get him mildly drunk and a little bit stoned and I was going to give him a good time some where dark. I was going to talk to him about Sam. I want Sam home too. And Rosa….but she will have to wait. I can only keep Sam where he is for as long as Danny will be around for entertainment.

Shit…this is all so much crap…why cant things ever turn out smoothly. I am dressed up and my date is in a loony bin….

Fan bloody tastic.

I wonder if he hurt himself. Did he cut? I don't think he did…that's not the feeling I am getting…I don't know what happened…my own head is getting confused now…..

"Flanders Franks. I'm Dr Reid's partner. I need to come and see him." I say into the phone and I listen to the answer and I am nodding. "I will be there."

Sedated. They sedated him and he is sleeping, but I know and they don't realise! They have never been in his dreams with him, and I have…I have seen what his sedated brain thinks about ….the horrific images it creates…and I know I have to be there. I run back down to the bike and I know I am about half an hour away and I think of how terrified he will be during that half hour and I know I have to get there quicker. I have to help him and my heart is thumping too fast and my breathing is too shallow and I am riding the bike too fast and erratically…but I have to get to him…I have to help him.

So Gideon…I don't love? I can't show love? What the hell is this? What is this I am showing now? Why has my mouth dried up with worry and why do my hands feel tingly….my left hand…which is still not how it should is going numb and I think that is why this happens. I see the truck pull out in front of me and I know I am going to fast and I know the driver hasn't even seen me and so I try to avoid it but my left hand isn't cooperating and I can feel something…the bike is falling and sliding and I am being dragged along the road towards the truck…and I close my eyes because I cant avoid it now….and I can see the tyres….and I can smell the fumes on the road and I can feel the skin being ripped away from my bones and I feel the crushing of the wheels going over me and then there is a long deep and dark blessed nothing.

* * *


	4. Chapter 4 Versace And Leather

Chapter 4

Versace And Leather

_Tin Het Often Says: bollocks…_

**A/N: AAARRRGGGGG: I don't know how this is going to read….I've not read it back…I just want to post it and see what happens. Some of you will know why I've had a shit day…the rest of you…believe me…It's been shit.**

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

It was over by the time we arrived. Much too late for any medical help.

The guy on the bike had been crushed by the truck. There wasn't much left of his chest area. He must have died instantly. Probably before the truck even hit him judging by the damage to his head. Riding with no helmet…not that it would have made any difference.

The truck driver was being treated and I went to look at the dead guy.

They've laid him on his back and I feel so sad. He looks like the type of person who enjoys life…sorry enjoyed life. I don't know whose fault the accident was but usually if it's a truck and a bike then the truck is at fault….but that's not my problem. We have to find out who this guy is and they are getting ready to put him in the body bag…I will take him back to the mortuary and sift through his stuff and do the necessary tests. But this is a bad case…Too young – too pretty…looks like he's on his way out for a date. Some girl is going to cross that she got stood up, and then devastated when she gets the call.

And now I am standing looking down at him in the mortuary and I still have no idea who he is. I've closed his eyes. They were staring at me like he was watching what I was doing. I make a note of what he is wearing and of his belongings. I hate this part of the job. I hate prying into someone's life…when it is so recently been taken.

Boots. Very worn and scuffed and old.

Jeans. Black Versace high waisted, with a double row of buttons on the fly. Very expensive and sort of out of odds with the western style boots.

From here it is very hard to see what he was wearing on his upper half but it looks to be white – silk or is that fine cotton – shirt, and a full length black leather coat. Everything expensive. Everything well cut. I have to go through his pockets…I hate doing this. Not because of the horrible things I might find…I am well used to finding shit…what I don't like finding is the family photos….the pictures of the kids…the missed calls on the cell phone. It's painful. The front pockets of his jeans seem to be empty but I will turn him over later and check out the back pockets. I pull open the front of his coat and have a look at the bloody mess underneath. The coat was ripped probably as he slid along the road. The thoughts of his last images he must have had in his head make my stomach crawl. Even in death there is something strangely alluring about this man.

There don't seem to be any inside pockets on the jacket and I can't see any on his shirt. Something makes me touch his neck. I'm not sure what it is but – oh boy out of all the men I have to fall for why does he have to be dead? I have to pull my eyes away from his face…blood splattered and one side of it is messed up but the other is fine….so fine…

Back to his coat pockets and I start to find things…a pack or smokes…and a small silver lighter…I put them in a box at the side and then carry on…there is also some strange bits of cellophane wrapped tightly around something and I wonder if it might be drugs…and so I look at him again…a druggy? He doesn't look like one, but the bloods will tell us anything like that. In the next pocket on the other side there is a bit of paper….it is a note scribbled down. The phone number for a hospital. Someone is in hospital. I turn to look at him again.

"Please don't say you were rushing to get to the hospital." I put my hand on the side of his face and hope that this Spencer person will be OK…or equally dead. Somewhere in between will just not cut it now. There isn't anything else in his pockets….no cell phone and no wallet. I wonder if they came out during the accident or if they were somewhere else on the bike.

I need to turn him over and this isn't going to be fun…but I put my hands on his shoulder and roll him over on the metal table he is laying on. It makes a nasty squishing sound. I lift away the back of his coat and I am just standing staring at the finest ass I have ever seen….yes it is in jeans…and yes it is on a corpse….but my god – that is going to be one well mourned backside. I look back to the bit of paper he had screwed up in his pocket. 'Spencer.' A boyfriend….this fine posterior is gay?

"Lucky Spencer." Well he was lucky….my good god. I slide my had into his back jeans pocket and for a horrible….no….wonderful….no vile and disgusting….moment I leave it there and I want to squeeze that flesh through his jeans. There is nothing in his pocket though….so I slowly check the next…and I pull out a pass…membership pass for a club. 'Babylon' it says, but I've not heard of it. He was going on a date with Spencer to a club? And now one is in hospital and the other dead. How wrong is that? I look at the membership pass again and there is a signature on the bottom…very fancy cursive but easy to read. I make a note of the name…and then put it back. I am for now going to assume it is his name. Maybe they will get more from the bike.

Carefully I turn him back over again and I move to the bottom of the table and hold the foot. Always best to take the footware off first. I pull on the boot and it slides out easily…but now I am standing looking at that foot and it is a perfect foot and the thought of putting a name tag on it hurts! Oh god I've never felt like this before over someone brought in…I don't know what it is about this person…Floyd…if that is – was….is his name…

I have my protective gloves on….obviously I do…but this…this …………

I sigh as I pull my glove off. I have to touch him. I don't know why…I don't know what it is making me do this…but I need to put my hand on his skin…And it is soft, oh so soft and his toenails are painted black and it makes me smile and I wonder if he did that or if this Spencer guy did it…and suddenly I am crying. I have to make some phone calls….

Quickly I make a name tag and I tie it to his toe….I then pull off the other boot and I place both in the box. Moving back up to his head I look down at his face. "I'll be back later Floyd….don't worry…I will sort everything out.

-o-o-o-

They are taking him down for more brain scans….now the worry is that he has started a bleed or something. Gideon and I watched as he fell and then the convulsions started which is why he is here now…I insisted on leaving a note for Flanders though I doubt he would have turned up anyway…well at least I hoped he wouldn't. I want Flanders to keep away. I want to protect Spencer from the pain he is in and there are too many things getting in the way. Gideon. Yes he was like the father to Spencer but something has shifted…in both of them…there is a change….Flanders…just one abusive thing after another but recently? Where is he now? Did he go to the apartment? If he had been there when he said, then where was he now? He should have received the note.

Gideon is sitting drinking coffee and so I leave the room and find someone on reception. I want to know if Flanders has contacted the hospital at all. Why the hell do I care? I don't really but I know Reid will. I want to be able to tell him something good for a change…something to help relax him.

"Agent Hotchner?" A voice from behind me as I leave Reid's room. I turn and see a woman walking towards me holding a bit of paper.

"Yes?" I stand and slide my hands into my suit trouser pockets….I am so tired that I think I could fall asleep standing up.

"We've had a call from uh – well I was wondering…do you know of a Floyd Flanders?"

The name makes my skin crawl and that twist in the pit of my stomach intensifies. "Yes – is he here?"

"Can you come with me please?" and she is half turning and indicating a side room….something is wrong. I can feel it…the atmosphere suddenly changed and I wonder if this is one of the ways Flanders tracks….is he sensitive to these feelings? I frown and follow her into a small green painted room….where she requests that I sit down.

"I was wondering…." She says to me… "How well you know him."

Now what do I say? How much do I tell her. "He is a friend of Dr Reid…..of Spencer's…is there something wrong?" and I know there is because she isn't looking at me she is looking down at the bit of paper.

"He's been arrested or something?"

"I'm sorry…Really sorry…There was an RTA between a motorbike and a truck…." She didn't have to say more….well under normal circumstances she wouldn't have to say more.

"He's dead? How? Are you sure it's him?"

She bit on her bottom lip and still she wouldn't look up at me. "We need someone to identify the body. Does he have a next of kin that you know of….who we should be talking to?"

And I am shaking my head and this is just not happening….the one thing I want so badly…to be free of him….and now it's happened and I want this woman to be wrong. "He has a young son…I know him…I can identify for you." I have to know for sure. I have to see how someone who can't be killed is dead.

I quickly go back and tell Gideon that I have to do something…there is no point in us all getting wound up over this if nothing has happened…if it's not him. He has a very different relationship to Floyd than I do….Flanders seems to form different sorts of bonds with everyone. He tolerates Rossi…He flirts with Prentiss – which I must say is the oddest of all the bonds he has made…with Gideon he allows Reid to get close to him, knowing nothing will happen….with Morgan…I think he feels threatened. Derek is a good looking guy – and I don't think he is too taken by the skin colour either…I will talk to Flanders about that one day….or maybe I wont….I don't know if this is him or not, but the closer we are getting the more fearful that it is him I am getting. Flanders doesn't like me – he again feels threatened….he I think may feel Reid would be tempted by me…because – yes…that body is desirable. Yes I have stood around in the locker room waiting to see it dripping wet and pink from the hot water…this is why Flanders can't stand the smell of me on him…

"We are here….do you want me to prepare him? Or do you want to come in?"

At first I didn't understand….she meant I think did I want to view him from behind glass…. "I'm fine…I'll come in." Not the first body I would have seen.

I was expecting him to be in a chiller…but they still had him laid out on the metal table…they had covered the body over though. I took a deep breath…on one hand I wanted it to be him…I wanted the hold he had over Spencer to be gone…on the other I knew if this was him then Spencer – I didn't know what would happen.

So here I am standing next to the table and there she is looking nervously at me as she pulls back the sheet to reveal the face.

I stare at it.

And the room begins to swim so I put my hand out and hold onto the table edge. "Cause of death?" I whisper it. I can't believe what I am looking at…I don't want to believe it. I am staring at his mouth…blue around the edges but somehow still tempting. My hand wants to reach out and touch it.

"Massive trauma to the chest. His bike was hit by a truck…the front wheels…." Her voice trailed off….maybe it did or maybe I didn't want to listen to anymore…I reach out….I can see my hand through some dry ice mist reaching for the edge of the sheeting and I pull it back and now I am just staring at what he is wearing.

"He's dressed up." I mutter to myself. "How did you connect him with me?"

And she is showing me the club pass and the note we had stuck to the door. "Was he on his way here?"

She looks down at her notes….and she tells me where the accident happened. "It seems he was speeding."

This is something I can never tell Spencer. I must never say that he died in a rush to get here. He must never have that knowledge. The fact that he is dead will be bad enough.

"That is Flanders." I say and I think I am whispering again and I want to touch his lips. "I will arrange for his body to be removed."

"We are still waiting for the bloods to come back…we suspect he was on drugs or drinking at the time….he lost control of the bike it says."

I walk back up to the room Reid is staying in with so many things going through my mind I don't know what to do first. I need to sit and I need to think and I need to work out how to tell Spencer. I am sure the school Sam is at will be informing him, but I will have to let the school know….but not now….now I have to sit and I have to think.

-o-o-o-

It's dark and the temperature is that nothingness that you get in the spring.

I sit up and look around and still it is dark and still I can see nothing and so I put my hands to my eyes and find they are closed…..slowly I open them but still there is nothing….how can there be nothing?

I put my hands on the floor next to me and feel the ground and I am half expecting grass….but this isn't grass…this is again a nothing.

I am home….they have brought me home. So I close my eyes again and try to think what happened….

Shit….I got mown down by a fucking truck…

I get to my feet slowly but I have pains in my chest…this isn't something I would normally get when I am here. I must have really done a good job on myself. I look for light…or listen for sound and there is nothing. I will walk in circles for a while….its strange….I am barefoot….someone has taken my boots.

"Hey!! What's going on?" I call out, not really expecting an answer. "Why am I here?" I call again only this time there is a reply.

"Because you fucked up again." And the voice is coming from all around me and so I stand still and just listen.

"I was going to get him….I was going to help him! How is that a fuck up?"

"Because you were too late. So we brought you here….your job with him is over. You failed."

It suddenly dawns on me….the nightmares…he is having nightmares and they have dragged him here. "You can't do that to him. You can't destroy him like that."

"Shut your dirty mouth – it's over. You want another chance, you will get it…but not with this one."

Now I don't like the sound of this. Not with Spence? I can't exist without Spence.

"You killed him?" I am walking quickly now….eventually I will reach something.

"Not yet….it will be slow…and painful…and it will be your doing." The voice was changing…It sounded like a thousand people all talking at the same time with one voice dominant…that dominant voice was morphing into another one.

"NO!" and I am running….I need to stop what they are doing…."You can't – you can't do that to him."

And for a while there is nothing but the sound of my breathing and my heart thumping in my chest. "Then trade him. We will take someone else…but it must be a good trade …and someone you love."

And I get flashes and images of people I have loved in the past and moved on from….if indeed it was love, but there has never been a bond as strong as this one…and I don't know who to offer…

"Rosa."

And the word is out of my mouth before I can properly think about the consequences of sacrificing my daughter in exchange for Spencer.

"Done."

And I want to take it back….I know they will force me to watch…and I don't know that I can….

"And Spencer?"

"Will be caught in his nightmares until you fix him properly."

"But you took me!"

"Well you're a big boy….go heal yourself." And suddenly the floor is falling away from me and I open my mouth to scream but I have no air in my lungs and I just fall and carry on falling and I can hear Spencer screaming and fall past him and try to call out his name but there is nothing but a sudden darkness….a cold vile sticky darkness and pain….unbelievable indescribable pain and still in the back of my mind I can hear Spencer shouting out and calling …and he is calling my name but I am stuck unable to move until I can heal….

* * *


	5. Chapter 5 A Picnic With a Princess

Chapter 5

A Picnic With a Princess..

_Whatever you do, make it an offering to me -- the food you eat, the sacrifices you make, the help you give, even your suffering: - __Bhagavad Gita _

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

I stand in the doorway and look at Gideon. I have to tell him what's happened and somehow this is going to be as difficult as telling Reid.

Slowly I walk in and sit down next to him. He is looking at me with that knowing look he always seems to have. Deep worry on his face.

"What's happened?" He is asking me…I will have to tell him.

"Flanders…"

And Gideon nods but he doesn't know what I am going to say yet.

"He's dead." There I've said it. No mistaking those words.

And Gideon is looking puzzled. "Flanders is dead? What the hell happened?" he looks like he is going to jump up and do something to fix it all…but you can't fix this.

"A truck – an RTA – I just went to identify his body."

And now Jason was on his feet. "You are sure it is him? You are sure he is dead?"

"The truck ran over his chest Jason. He came off his bike on the way over here."

And Jason sat down again.

"How can we tell Spencer?" His face was grey.

"We don't have to. Not yet, and we must never tell him that he was on his way here. Not ever." I need to make that clear to Gideon. Very clear. And he is shaking his head.

"No – no that would…."

"Destroy what is left of him…he can't know."

"He will recover." Jason sounded sure. I wasn't though.

-o-o-o-

They caught me.

Bloody fuck-tards – and now they say they will contact dad again…and next time I know he's gonna hurt me good. He doesn't like being told stuff…he's like me. Or I'm like him…

I have – in my room this wonderful thing. A metal board. It has places I can put hooks and pins….and this is where I skin. But they took it from me.

They screamed at me! Shit is was a dog is all. They acted like I'd done something wrong!

"Not like it's a baby you stupid fuckers!"

And I screamed that at them and for that I got it. I got it bad across the back of the legs with a cane. Four of them had to hold me still and boy did I scream. Not ashamed to say I screamed and howled like a girl.

They stripped me to my boxers and whipped at the back of my legs and I could actually feel the blood running down my legs and I am howling and shouting at them.

"I'm only ten you bastards! You can't do this! My dad will fuck you over good time for this!"

They can't just take my stuff….they are trying to make me be a kid like all the other kids…and I'm not – and I don't want to be like those saps. Those nothings…but they are pissed with me. And they let me know…and I will let my dad know and they will regret it. You can't hit kids like that. It's against the law and if they'd let me out of this prison they have locked me in then I will report their arses to the authorities.

Dad's buddy Spencer. I will tell him…He'll know what to do.

I start to hammer on the door and I kick it and I am screaming at them to let me out…and my toes start to bleed and my knuckles are bleeding and they won't let me out.

How long do I hammer at the door for? I have no idea…but I move away eventually and so now I am sitting with my back to the wall staring at the door and I can see blood smears down it.

"Hope you're happy you bastards!" I shout out at them….and finally they listen to me because the door suddenly opens and they walk over towards me and I don't like the look of this one bit.

"Sam." One of them says. "Do you understand that what you did was wrong?"

and I blink because I can't figure what I did wrong. And there behind him is a man with a big needle and now I know what their plan is…they are going to stick a needle in me and turn me into a wet sap.

As I get up…I try to get up they are on me. I didn't know fat guys could move so fast. They are on me and they are holding me down and again I am screaming bad words at them….every bad word I can think of in the language they will understand and a few in a language they won't. I tell them to leave me alone that my dad will kill them for this and then someone says it.

"You dad died in a RTA last night Sam. You are a ward of court and we will medicate you if we feel fit."

And my world fell apart.

My dad dead?

He can't be!

"He can't be! He can't die! Let me go to him! I want my dad….where's my dad?!"

And they sound happy that they can say these things to me.

"I told you Sam. He's dead….as dead as the dog you skinned. Now sit still and let us help you."

And I am screaming and crying and I want my dad…I want him here now…he can't die….don't they realise that? There's been a nasty mistake…they are all liars and I will…………………………..

I can feel it break my skin and I shut up for once and just look at them.

"I'll fucking kill you all you sonsofbitches……."

And suddenly I am thrown into a big lonely dark place where I must sit and wait alone. Alone inside my head.

-o-o-o-

Time runs in circles here.

There is no way of telling how long I have been here…months….minutes…I have no idea…but they have called me and so I walk slowly towards the shadows.

I know what is going to happen. Again I am giving something up. Something I love for something else I love.

She'll be ok.

She'll get over it….

Then Rosa will come back to me.

She loves me. She is part of me…Obviously she will come back.

This place is a hall…they call it 'Ghu'zh shin' Or the sacrificial halls and it seems a bit drastic brining me here and I am a bit worried as to why Ghu'zh shin and not just out by the steps where we usually make our deals….but I am being grabbed and guided forwards now and so I let them take me to where I need to go. This will save Spence and then I can heal better.

"What the fuck?" I say…they are placing a knife in my hand.

"It needs to be done. Finally – by you."

"What does?" I am having a stupid day obviously because I can't think what they want me to do now…Well not until they half drag me out to the middle of the Shin…or the hall….and there laying on the slab…chained down…is my Rosa.

She has been stripped down and I can see her big eyes looking at me.

Shit.

She thinks I've come to rescue her.

"I can't do this!" I hiss at the bloke holding my arm.

"You made your choice." He hisses back at me.

And they drag me forward. There are two bowls laying on the slab next to her and I smile at her….but it's not a smile of happiness it's grief.

I close my eyes. I have to remember why I am doing this. I have to stay focused on Spence. Nothing else matters…nothing else will ever matter…not after this.

"Hey." It's all I can think to say. I don't know what to say to her and she is staring at me with the biggest damned eyes ever and she knows full well now what is going to happen.

"Screw you."

She says back to me and some how that is my permission.

I don't see what I am doing. I do it mostly with my eyes closed and my mind shut off. I can feel her kiddy rib bones snapping in my hands as I reach down and rip her heart out. I place it in one of the bowls and then slice my way down to her liver. Always the heart and liver. The places a person…a soul resides.

I manage to do it without looking at her face, but I know what will happen…I know they will take her head and I know what I have just done has damned me to this place. No more walking in the forest of hope with some ancient chick for me.

I rub my hands together and I can feel they are slick with blood and still trying not to look at what I have done I step back.

Someone takes the knife from me and places the two bowls in my hands.

"Eat."

I have to eat it?

I can't.

I can't do it. I am looking down at the mess in the bowls and in my mind the heart is still beating and the liver pumping.

"Eat." I am told again…or she will get fed to the dogs.

And I can't let that happen…but I can't eat this treasure.

"I will – I will take it with me."

For a while there is nothing again….I am in a nothingness and around me everywhere there is nothing. I just stand and hold the bowls and this is it then? I sit.

I sit with my legs crossed in this dark empty nothing and these things in my hands….I can't let go of them and so here I am just sitting holding them and I'm not even thinking now…there is nothing and the nothing is getting bigger and I am getting lost in it.

"He needs you."

It's a small voice.

"Both of them need you. They are relying on you."

I know the voice. It is a child. Not Rosa…but another little girl I know well.

"I don't know how to help them." And I can hear the rustling of party dress as she sits down next to me.

"Spence will die. He really does need you…and Sam? When he's in a shit load of trouble too. You have to go back there and sort it all out."

So I turn and look at the child with her tangled matted hair and a face not quite right and too much make up and a strange odd smell. She is lifting a clawed hand up and she rests it on the side of my face and she is smiling with too many teeth and her teeth are sharp and yellow and I smile back at her. She reaches in and pulls out my Rosa's heart and she holds it up for me to look at.

"Eat it…or I will….and that won't help nothing….has to be you."

"I know."

I do know. I know it has to be me or she will be voided for nothing.

"I was thinking…Floyd…I've had a lot of time to think…I will go visit Spence. In his dark place and keep him company."

And I turn my head to get a better look at my princess. "And that will help him how? You will scare the shit out of him."

"Oh I know that! But it's such fun making him scream…don't you think?" And her voice was a spiteful laugh. "Eat! And you wont have to worry…it will heal you and then you can heal him…he's dying. He needs you."

So I turn from my princess and look into the bowl again... and my fingers are brushing over the heart and it's my Rosa and once I have taken her back into me like this then there is nothing. She will stop. And I can use her to heal and then to heal Spence and princess will stop haunting his dreams. So what choice do I have?

Princess is watching me. She watches every bite and chew an swallow and I know she wants some too, but this – as she said – is something I alone can do and I alone will do.

It is sweet and tender and really quite nice. And curse me forever for saying this…I know I will be frowned at for this….but after two bites I've forgotten what the damned problem was in the first place.

The bowls are empty now and princess is holding her hands out to me and so I lean forwards and let her lick the juice off my face and suck it off my fingers and then she picks up the bowls and with a tongue which is much too long she licks them clean.

Now I am waiting. I don't know what for. I just have to sit and wait. And while I am here I am healing quite quickly but I need Spence. I need to get to him…and princess is skipping off again into the shadows and already I am wondering if she was ever here.

I sigh and I look down at my hands resting on my knees and I wait. There is nothing more I can do now but wait.

-o-o-o-

I'm not remembering things too well…something is wrong I know something is wrong. My head feels close to exploding and my eyes hurt like someone has been gouging at them with their thumbs. It feels like every muscle in my body is screaming at me for some reason and I don't know why.

I'm laying down. I know I am laying down but I can see. I've tried opening my eyes but it hurts like someone is forcing needles into them and everything is in flashes of deep reddish yellow and black…there aren't even shadows…so I have decided to keep them shut for now. My mouth is open though and that is something else I don't seem to be able to stop…I cant close my mouth and I don't know why and I am drooling…I can feel it bubbling around the corners of my mouth. Maybe I need to feel it? I can't though…I can't move my arms…

Something has gone wrong. I had a shower…I remember having a shower…I remember seeing Gideon and Hotch and I remember….I remember…nothing else except for here…

And the nightmares. I know they are nightmares. I know they can't be true! But there in that place where I dream are monsters…and children…and I don't understand why there are children. Two little girls and they don't like me…

Oh god….I can't breath…and I can't move…There is no air to take in…and my lungs wont work…

I can feel hands on my chest and now I can hear shouts and voices ….lots of voices shouting out different things.

And it hurts so much.

And now I think why I can't close my mouth…there is something down my throat and now I am able to open my eyes and I can see them standing there with their bit and tubes and the pain in my chest is getting worse….

I'm not sure what is going on…the room is spinning too fast and everything has that odd red glow to it and I guess my eyes are bleeding or something gross and it feels like they are kicking me, but I don't think they are….

"Clear!"

I hear them shouting.. What the hell is going on…I can't see what they are doing…

I can feel the pain…it goes through me so hard that I want to scream…but I can't because there is something stuffed down my throat and my head explodes and I can taste blood and I feel my body lift off whatever it is I am laying on and crash back down again and still the pain and I feel pinpricks of needles in my arms and I hear more shouting and that word again…… "Clear." And I want them to stop now please…

Please stop…

Please don't hurt me like this……..hey a child….a girl with a horrible grin.

"Don't worry Spence – I'm here to take you back."

And she is placing her hands on my chest as my back arches and I feel the shock going through me again…and I don't want to go with this child. I don't want to leave….but I want them to stop.

Make it all go away …I can't deal with this…let me sleep…let it be over…one way or another…just let it be over…

And again the shouting and the pain and then the crashing back down again…and I can feel things being pumped into my veins and through my blood and it's burning me and scalding me on the inside and finally….as suddenly as it started it stops.

The child drifts away…and the shouting stops…but I still can't see and I still cant close my mouth and I still can't move my arms.

"Spencer?"

A soft voice.

And soft hands on my face.

"Spencer can you hear me?"

And I would love to say 'yes' but I cant talk…and so I blink at the voice but I can't see a face and the hand is wiping a cool cloth over my face and I realise how hot I am…and how sweaty I feel. And I would love them to remove the tube from me…I want to try to breathe now please but I can't tell them and I still can't move and I have no gag reflex thanks to Floyd………..

Where is Floyd?

Why isn't he here? Where is Gideon? Why am I with strangers and I want to ask so many questions but I can't.

"Spencer – you had us all worried then. I am going to give you something to help you relax and then I am going to remove the tube." And all I can do is blink at her. I don't want to be drugged. I don't want to be sedated – I have too many questions….but I don't know how to tell them this.

-o-o-o-

Crap

Shit

Bollocks…….where the hell am I now?

It feels like the cold drawer in the mortuary….oh wonderful. Just have to hope they don't lock them…

If I push my toes on the edges here….and slide my hands across the top here I should be able to push it open.

Ahhhhh…there we go….light….very dim light so the place is empty. This is good…

Damnit I feel like shit. I feel worse than that. I haven't healed enough yet but I can hear him screaming and so I'm going to have to try and to this….

What in the name of the gods have I got on? These are not my clothes….sodding pyjamas….where's the bloody Versace you thieving toe-rags….oh!

My toe….

HA!

A name tag…did they get me right?

Yep…I am me…that's a relief…I wouldn't want to be someone else. HA! Now that made me smile almost….but my face hurts and my chest….Now that is a pain which luckily I am able to block…but I don't know how long for. I don't think I'm breathing…How odd…Let me check that…..

No….not breathing….and…..no…..

No heart beat yet….

That will come…no hurry. I 'm sure with those things will come the rest of the pain. I can feel my chest is damaged…I need to let that heal before I start with the fancy crap……………

…………………..so……where the hell is Spence?

* * *


	6. Chapter 6 Recovery

Chapter 6

**A/N: For my big sis**

Recovery

_No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow: - Euripides_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

We are still sitting waiting in Spencer's room when the doctor – looking rather flushed walks in…grabs a chair and drags in across so he can sit opposite us. I give Hotch a quick look, but he is looking as confused as I am.

"You are Spencer's friends?"

My heart stops…I swear it stops in the flood of panic that suddenly rips through me. "What's wrong?" Again I glance at Aaron who seems to have suddenly gone deathly pail.

"Something happened when we took him down for the scans."

I nod. Obviously.

"We have had to ventilate him. All I can assume right now is that he is having small strokes. We had to resuscitate him…" He looked over at Aaron then back to me again. "We lost him for quite a few minutes. He is in HDU and fully sedated. I really would like to give you some good news gentlemen, but …."

Suddenly Aaron is on his feet and I am looking over at him and is face is blank…I know how he is hurting…I can feel it coming off him in waves.

"I need to see him."

And his voice is a low whisper. The sort of voice you use because if you talk louder you might start to scream.

"What is causing this? I ask him…trying to pull it back…trying to keep the situation feeling less like a train crash.

"As far as we are able to tell Mr Gideon, there is just too much damage to his brain. He is bleeding. Having strokes caused by the blood vessels bursting…we have him on something to thin the blood but I feel it might be too late to ………."

And now I am on my feet too. "Can you take us to him."

Again I am here in a hospital and again they are going to be talking about his life support and this time I won't do it. This time I will refuse because that pain I felt last time is still in me and I can't accept anymore. I refuse to accept that the person I saw – I saw with Flanders is now gone….And so is Flanders and the two things scare me…and I wonder if they are connected.

And so here we are…looking at something which can't be Spencer because this thing laying in the bed is too small and too dead to be Spencer. They have taped his eyes closed and he has that vile tube down his throat and things stuck over his bruised chest and I am staring at his ribs and at the bite marks and the scratch marks left by Flanders and this is all that is left of them. Aaron is walking towards him and I can see him put a hand out and gently touch him and he is talking in a soft voice to him but my mind won't let me listen because he is saying his goodbyes…

I hear a selection of words but they don't mean anything to me at the moment.

"No brain activity."

They are the words which leap out and smack me hard – because there has to be. He is a genius and that can't be gone so I look at the doctor and at Spencer and for a while nothing in the world makes any sense.

"He can recover." I think that sounded like me talking but the words again are nonsense…I know he can't heal from this. I know. I just want to know if he is out of pain. Is this still hurting him? Does he know what is going on? I don't think so. He died surrounded by strangers down in the X-ray department where they were taking him to have a scan. He died with no familiar voice to try to pull him back and I don't want that to happen…So I am walking forward and putting my hand on Hotch's arm and I can feel the way he is shaking. I can feel his grief and pain.

"He can get over this." I say…and again it's nonsense and I don't know where these thoughts are coming from. I know he can't. I know that the last thing he remembers was the two of us – Hotch and I having a go at him again, like a child…telling a child off for making a mess in the sandbox – when it is not my business if he has a bond with Flanders….

And again that name…the two of them.

-o-o-o-

I can't stand up.

So I am sitting on the floor for now trying to figure out what the hell is going on. My back is to the wall and I am holding the name tag in my hand…I'm not breathing still….and my chest….I'll think about that later….it's just wrong. Effectively I guess I am still dead. I need to get to Spencer…and I don't think I'll be getting far like this.

I can feel Rosa inside me…she's moving around and pulling at me and healing me and really I don't think she minds what I did. Hey it was quick.

I should have said something to her.

I should have explained.

She should have known why I did that….but it's too late now. She is here…in me…healing me as I will Spencer….But that's wrong too…something is going wrong there…

'_Spence?'_

And I'm getting nothing. As though I am tuned into the wrong channel…there is just nothing there anymore.

I was screwing him not long ago….how can it go so wrong so quickly. He was fine. Well his arse was anyway…

And I think maybe it still is.

I can't stay here…whatever happens I can't stay here in this room where they bring the dead. I'm not ready to be gone yet. So I need to move.

One hand then the other Floyd…if you can't stand yet you are going to have to crawl. When I get to the first table I grab a hold of the edge and pull myself up and my legs are shaking but by leaning forwards I can balance.

A big metal table with a box in the middle of it so I pull it closer to see what is inside and my eyes don't seem to be working very well. I am having a problem with my focus and I need my glasses, but I can't think where they are and so I start to pull things out of the box and I look at them.

My boots and my jeans come out first and this makes me think. I look down.

They stripped me. Some dirty old whore had her hands on me and it makes me spit a globule of blood out onto the floor. I have to sit down again to get dressed and I realise now that my left hand is as gimp as ever and I wonder as I pull off the pyjama bottoms who had had their hands on me. I might have to investigate this further because they feel like gentle hands.

One foot and then the other and I am pulling them up to my knees when the light goes on.

"Shit."

I slide quickly under the table and pull my boots with me. If I huddle up small they might not see me.

I can see a pair of legs…a bloke…with those rubber hospital shoes on and white pants and I can't see the top half but he is walking over towards the chillers and I am trying to remember if I closed the drawer or not. Either way it's too late now. I pull back and scuttle like a beetle to the next table which is closer to the door and I quickly pull my boots on. Something calming about my boots. I've had them for so long now that I have to think where I got them…

A small shop it was…in Boston. No….just north of Boston….I lived there for a while with…………..

…………Anthony…………He came with me that day and I remember how the sun was shining and what a good mood he was in and how the sun caught those auburn highlights in his hair and how he was smiling and chatting to me and we held hands ……………..

I remember clearly how that day it was he who pulled me down into the grass and worked his hands on my buttons. I remember how he licked at me and I remember winding my fingers through that long wavy hair and I was totally convinced that he was the one. There could….there would never be one to compare to sweet Anthony.

Shit…I am getting horny thinking about him…he was definitely the best catch until I found Spencer….but Anthony had been gone a long time by then. Too long. So long that I had almost forgotten about him.

I have a need now to go and find him again. See those places we played and find his bones and show them to Spencer. It could so easily be him. It just so easily could be.

And I am stroking the boots and remembering the blow job Anthony gave me and I can feel the way his special fingers moved over me and I want to yelp out….but I can't so I slide the boots on and do up the fly on my jeans…and silently curse myself for having so many buttons to deal with and a hand which is being awkward with me today.

I am still watching those legs moving around and I can see he is checking things off on a list…and I can see a name tag. He has a lab coat type thing on.

I wait….I have to be careful…I'm not at full strength….not even close to it. Come on Rosa babe don't let your daddy down now….get me better. I need to move so I can get closer to him. I need his coat and name badge. I need his pass and crap…and I might need his arse too….Let's see how it goes shall we. He is counting out load and so as he is making a noise I move along silently as I can to the next table.

I can smell him now. He's clean. Good start…Not likely to catch anything off him….he's more likely to catch something off me. I can see his face now…he's about my age….thirty thereabouts I would say. And now I am crouched down behind a table and all I need to do is wait.

"Jacob?" Another voice…shit crap….wasn't planning on two of them…and the other a woman.

"Mary?"

"Just wondered what was keeping you."

Bitch! He's put the stuff down and is leaving. Crap…I need that coat and name tag but he is leaving and the door is closing again and I need to hope it's not going to be locked.

And so slowly I walk to the door…and it is slow…very slow and my legs are really not wanting to cooperate with me right now and I feel like I've been drugged or I'm very drunk, because my head and legs don't seem to know each other anymore and suddenly I am on my hands and knees again and I'm still not breathing….

"Not doing so bad for a corpse…think of it like that…."

And I know when I do start to breathe again that it's going to hurt like buggery….well my form of buggery anyway. And my heart is still. But again that will come…eventually…until then I need to sort out Spence….crap….

I am laying on the floor now and my left hand is refusing to do anything…its gone a funny colour and it looks like it's rotting on my arm. I knew they had never fixed that right….and I can't just regrow it….its not that fucking easy to do you know…grow body parts…and the more often it happens the harder it gets to fix and they know that…

They know that eventually there will be nothing left of me…..I'm at the door, and now I need to get up and stop being a worm.

It feels like something is ripping inside my chest and the pain the phenomenal and for a while all I can do is stand with the palms of my hand on the wall and my forehead on the cold tiles. I feel too hot but I am shaking like a wuss….and now here it comes….

And shit it hurts and I am back down on my knees again and I am coughing out chunks of gook and I am taking in huge gulps of air and I can hear it bubbling in my chest and wheezing out through the holes in my lungs and now it is rich thick blood I am expelling from my chest cavity and all I can think to do is wrap my arms around my chest and keep my head down and cough until it stops……

……………and I wonder how I managed to have that much blood in me in the first place as the puddle around me gets bigger and my nose is bleeding and my eyes are watering with the sudden pain as my heart cracks into life.

"Ah for craps sake." My voice sounds bubbly as it makes it's way out of my chest…..And I need to curl up somewhere 'cos this really is getting me nowhere but I don't have time. I need to get to Spencer.

I still have my pyjama top thing on and I move my hand over my chest and I can feel the blood bubbling from it…………………..

……………..so shall I stay here for now and try…………………..you have no idea …………….of the scale of pain this is……

Pain is not something which usually bothers me…..I can void it….but this …..shit a brick….this is beyond…….growing a brain doesn't hurt like this.

I am dragging myself to my feet and I am wheezing and coughing and spitting up blood and the gods only know where else I am bleeding from….it feels like every orifice is leaking my internal organs out of them today. Even in my boots…I can feel them squishing….

On my feet and the door has to be opened, but my head is spinning now and the room is turning too fast for me…..shit….

Crap….I've lost the fucking door. Where the hell is the door?

And voices….I hear voices again and now it's too late….someone is shouting…and a hand is touching me.

-o-o-o-

"Reid." And I put by hand out and it gently touches his arm and his skin feels clammy and cold and it just feels wrong.

My eyes are pulled to his chest. Too bony but still just perfect. The chest I have seen probably more than any other team member and I feel a strange jealousy that other people are going to see this thing which had been reserved for me for so long…..well me and for Flanders….and now just me. I can see my finger is moving now over his chest and towards a bruise. It looks like a bite mark….a reminder of Floyd and his fancy love making and it makes me want to scream.

I can see the way his chest is being forced up and then let down again as the machine breathes for him and if I was alone. If Gideon wasn't watching my every move I would lean in and kiss his lips.

I look quickly for lip salve or something. I know how much he hates getting sore lips and how quickly they dry up, and hospital air does that. A small metal pot of Vaseline is what I pick up and my hands don't want to let me take the lid off…my fingers are sliding over the cool shiny surface.

"I'm so sorry Spencer." I whisper. I want the words to be ours only. And I know he can't hear me, but that's OK….I will talk to him anyway. And suddenly the lip pops off and it slips from my fingers and rolls across the floor and makes a tinkling sound as it rests against the skirting board then falls to the floor. Everything seems to be in slow motion. Even death is too slow now. I put some of the grease on my finger and very gently I run it over his lips. I imagine him sucking them in slightly and enjoying the feel but that's all it is…my imagination…He just lays there…not able to do anything.

I put the Vaseline back and try to remember to pick the lid up at some point and now my fingers are combing through his hair and I can see where he banged his head when he fell in the apartment. Such a small bang to have caused such devastating effects…though they say it would have happened eventually anyway. He has been dying all along…we just didn't know it.

I wonder if he knew…deep down in that genius brain….if he could recognise what was happening to him? If he did know he never said anything and then I don't think he would say anything.

"I don't know how to make things better for you Spencer. I don't know what you want."

And that is such a lie because I do know what he needs and what he wants and I can't deliver that for him…….

I frown for a second then move away and turn to Gideon. "Flanders belongings are still downstairs. I am wondering….."

"An item of clothing? Something that smells of Flanders?"

and I nod at Gideon and he nods back….

"I'll sort something out….you stay here….and Aaron….remember who it was that Reid would come to when he needed comfort. Remember whose arms it was he needed to feel around him when he was hurting."

And Jason gets up and leaves the room and I am alone with Spencer and so I go back over to him.

"Spencer – all those times in the locker room….all those times I just wanted to reach out and touch you…I never wanted it to be like this." I seat myself on the bed next to him and run my fingers over that perfect face and along under that perfect jaw and I climb on the bed next to him and though for me it is awkward I put my arms around him and pull him close. I listen to the machines monitoring and bleeping and nothing changes and so I sit there with this young man in my arms and still I cant cry and I wonder what sort of man I must be to not be able to even show him now….as he takes these false breaths…even now I can't cry for him…and I hate myself for it and I now I will never forgive myself as I bend down and kiss him on the forehead.

-o-o-o-

I took a masterclass in how to be a complete bastard….I took it from dad.

And they will learn….they will – because no one fucks with Flanders kin and gets away with it…..no one….

They have me locked in a small room. I don't think I am in the same place anymore. The people here are different. Harder. More used to bull shit like I keep pulling. I'm not the only kid on the block who skins dogs anymore I don't think. This is like a fucking prison cell though….and I'm not happy…

I have a lot to live up to….that Flanders name…though on record it says Trent-Saviour, I'm not…I'm Flanders and they WILL learn that. They will learn that

"You've made one sodding BIG mistake putting me here!" and I am shouting because I do a lot of that and it's something kids are good at.

I think they've been drugging my food, so I won't be eating anymore…and they can't make me. "I'm just a kid!" and I kick and throw and break everything I can find and then there it is….a shard of glass from something…not sure what…but I pick it up and I hold it in my hand and I wait.

"I'll show you bastards who is in control here! I'll fucking show you!"

* * *

**A/N2: I have no medical background.**

* * *


	7. Chapter 7 A Quick Snack

Chapter 7

A Quick Snack

_Red meat is __not__ bad for you. Now blue-green meat, __that's__ bad for you! : - Tommy Smothers_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

The voices fade and go and I hear the soft 'whump' of the door closing again but the hand is still on me and so I turn to look and it's Gideon and I cant see his hand moving to his pocket.

Does he have a gun?

I have no idea…I don't know…I am trying to work out what to do here but everything feels crazy and disjointed.

"Flanders?" I don't want to listen to him…I don't want him here. This is messing everything up. I just need to get out and he will try to stop me. I blink at him and say nothing but I can see his hand is reaching for something and so my hand snakes out and rests on his arm.

"Don't." I say it. I don't know what he has planned but I'm in too much pain right now to concentrate on it all…so he is pulling away from me and he is looking at all the blood.

"Hotch said…." He is looking around the room.

"Well he's not always right. Don't." I am on him again and I don't feel good…I don't know how to sort this out…I need blood….I need to chow down but I can't on him. Not on the only person I feel almost understands me. "I've not hurt anyone. I've not done anything wrong. You don't need to tell anyone I was here." And I am stumbling towards him as he pulls his cell phone from his pocket.

"The blood."

"Is mine. Every drop of it." I life my hand out for him… "Taste."

He is shaking his head and flipping open his phone and I really don't want to hurt him but he is forcing my hand here so with my right hand I flick it from his hand and watch it fly across the room and hit the opposite wall.

"Gideon – we both want what's best for Spencer. We are the same in that respect." Talking so much is hurting me and I start to cough up blood and muck again and then I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. "You care for him…I know you do…just let me do what I need to do."

"We are not the same in any respect Flanders…you are fooling yourself again. You are a sadistic manipulator."

"Apart from that. We both want the same. We want Spencer well…and I've done wrong?" I shake my head and it feels like my brains are liquid I am sure I can hear them sloshing around inside my skull. "I didn't do this to him…you know that."

And he is backing off….I know he is going to be trouble and I know I am going to have to stop him and it is going to have to be in the most basic form I can think of, but Spencer will never forgive me if I kill him…I can't do that. I can't take this man from him….

Now had it been Hotchner down here. Different outcome. This is because the man loves Spencer like a son…and doesn't want to butt fuck him and so this is what is going to happen to him….

"I'm sure there is a word I should use here." And I spit blood onto the floor and Gideon is backing away from me and I can smell fear. He is afraid of me…or of what I am going to do and the smell is so strong that it makes me sneeze and as I shoot blood from my nose he makes a move to get away but my hand is quicker and my fist catches him on the side of the face.

The effort I had to just use has made the room spin again… and I watch Gideon stumble to the side and I know now that I have to do something to stop him. I can't have him just walk away now. So it's my right fist again I use….my left I cant guarantee will stay attached to my arm right now but it's enough. I felt something give under my fist and Gideon is falling.

"You shouldn't have fucked with me." I tell him. I hold onto the table to try to stop the room spinning and I stamp down on him. His head. His chest. His groin….and he is whimpering and trying to move away and get up but these boots, they have stomped many a face this is just one more.

When he stops moving I stop….and I let go of the table and slide to the floor again.

"You should have just walked away." And I am coughing and now I want to vomit. I know I've lost too much blood and I need more… and there is some on the floor here coming from the ex Agent but I can't take his….

And the door opens…

Shit…just not my day..

-o-o-o-

Does he know I'm not dead? I'm not sure, but I think so. I don't think he means to…..

A noise….

A scream…..but it's cut short….

So I am watching but I am finding it hard to make my mind convert my images to actual events because I just don't think this can be real.

Blood……………………………….arterial spray………….and just pooling onto the floor…..

It's that drip ………. Drip ……………. Drip……………….that blood makes…that thick sounds…the gentle splashing dripping sound but there is too much and my brain refuses to reconcile the sounds and images and my god…the smell. That smell of a fresh kill. The blood and the general stench that people don't realise exists until they encounter it for the first time.

The ripping sounds….and everything becomes dark.

Breathing in and breathing out….I am concentrating on breathing. I can't move but I think in the dim light I can see.

A flash of an image.

A creature eating. Its head down.

And those ripping sucking noises an animal makes out on the Serengeti. The sound a lion makes when feasting on zebra or wildebeest… not the sounds you would hear in a hospital…not the smells I should be smelling…..And I can hear someone else's laboured breaths. Someone in pain…and for a second I thought I caught the glint of red….shining red eyes, but that is just part of this nightmare.

Flash…..

Another image….and now I can see clearly….I can see who it is….I recognise the hair and the body shape….and I know that is Flanders but I still can't work out what he is doing….

The dripping sounds still…and the smells…

The only way to stop this nightmare is to wake up….I know the man kicked me until I stopped moving. But now I must try. I must get myself awake.

It looks like he is messing with something on the floor but I can't – no I won't – connect what I am hearing with what I am seeing.

The eating of human flesh...I need to compromise everything in my mind to allow this to be the thing which is happening and that I wont – I won't let that be what it is.

Still the sounds of someone in pain…but not the victim….Flanders…..he is in pain.

He is dead though. Hotch identified his body. He was dead so what the hell is he doing eating someone in the hospital mortuary?

I want to shout out to him and let him know I can see, but I suspect he already knows and that I receive now…my confirmation…his eyes lock onto mine.

-o-o-o-

I can't believe how bloody – pun intended – I was. She was sweet….so sweet and hardly any resistance which is what I needed. I am feeling better already and no – I'm not having my wicked way with her….I need nutrients…and I know where to get them from.

Is this the right place for that 'sorry' word? I don't know for sure as I am putting her out of a life time of misery. One disappointment after another…unwanted pregnancy…abortions…guilt and then when you find the one you want…bang….you cant have kids…it's depressing darling…I pat her on the side of the face….and you wouldn't have wanted a life like that would you? Naaa surely not. No one will ever love you the way I am.

To be devoured, now you only do that to the best.

I chew on bits of her and I see movement from Gideon. I thought he wouldn't wake again for a while…a tough old sod he is, but I will let him watch. Let him see what he is messing with.

Don't fuck with me Gideon cos I let you live….I gave you a second chance….not many get that.

He name badge says 'Leona Leville' And she is sweet….she is pure…no drugs, and she doesn't stink of cigarettes and her blood has no alcohol….she was a good one was Leona Leville a shame she walked into my world when she did…but then…yes….I put her out of all that pain and misery which was just around the corner.

Already I am beginning to feel a bit better…

But

Now I need to make sure no one finds her…or at least no one knows it's me.

They will guess…

Or maybe not.

Snap off a rib bone and I crawl over to Gideon.

"I know you saw me. But what are you going to do about it?" And he is looking at me. "You are going to report me? After I let you live? And you know I am the only one who can help Spencer." And it makes me think….and I can feel I am frowning so I sit back on my haunches and chew on my bone and watch him.

"What's happened? Why were you down here?"

But I don't think he can answer me right now

"Gideon – what's happened to Spencer?" And I prod at him with my bone and he slaps it away with a scowl on his face.

"He is dead Flanders. I came here to get something of yours so when they turn off the machines he has your smell with him."

And my eyebrows do a small dance of surprise but I don't know if I can believe him, but then why else is he here….so I rip some more flesh off the bone. "Whose life means more to you Jason? Her's?" and I jab my thumb over my shoulder. "Or Spencer's?"

"There is no helping either of them Flanders."

His voice sounds slurred. "I can heal him. That's why I am here…that is why I killed my - well my – it doesn't matter…but that's why…I just can't have you waltzing in an ruining everything again. I have plans…" and I tap my head. "Up here I have plans, for Spence and I so you can't say anything. You know that don't you." I half turn back to Leona. "Because if you do Spencer will die."

So I pull myself up using the table to support me and I say to him. "Go back to sleep Jason." And I stamp on his head until I am sure he won't wake up for a while.

Leona. Sweet Leona. I stagger over to her and I kneel at her ripped up side and drop the bone down and rip out another.

"Sweet dream darling." And I lick her lips and kiss her deeply….and then I get to my feet again and it's time to leave. Now I am going to be in trouble if they find me. Now I'm not just the innocent RTA victim…so I need to get out of here….So with my bone I go to the door and open it carefully. I am covered in blood but never mind…this is a hospital. The door has a lock which I can use and so I run my fingers over the mechanism and I hear it click shut. It will be a while before they find them. I need to get something else to wear….But first. Spence.

-o-o-o-

I didn't hear anyone enter the room and so the first I knew was the hand on my shoulder and the voice in my ear. "Hello Agent Aaron Hotcher."

And my heart skips because I know Floyd is dead so who the hell is this. I open my eyes with caution. Maybe I am dreaming. But even a dream wouldn't have imagined the sight I saw.

He was plastered in blood. His hair, his face, his shirt, his hands had dried cracked blood on them and as he smiled at me even his teeth where blood smeared. If I don't say anything. If I close my eyes it will go away.

"Time to wake up." And those encrusted hands are pulling me away from Reid. "What's wrong with him?" And he has dragged me away before I can react….I stand and watch for a couple of seconds stunned by what I can see.

"You were dead." I say…I don't know what else. He looks dead. He looks like he should be dead.

He has his hands on Spencer and he turns to face me. "I don't die. You should know that by now….What the fuck's wrong with him? Give me some help here Hotchner."

I just stand and watch for the shortest of whiles as my mind tries to adjust to what is going on.

"Floyd." I need to talk to him, but not where Spencer can hear. "Floyd – please now." and I see a frown over his face and it cracks the dried on blood between his eyes. I watch him take his hands off Reid and walk over to me. He looks unsteady on his feet and as he reaches me his hand grabs my arm.

"What? What's going on?"

"He's gone Floyd. We are just saying goodbye and then the machines will be turned off." I said it much too fast and without taking a breath and I can feel a prick of tears welling up behind my eyes but he is just shaking his head and pulling me further away from the bed.

"Listen – I had an accident. I need a clean shirt and something to wash up in. A bowl of water of something. I will fix this." He waves to Spencer. "I can and I will but I want to be alone."

And I am shaking my head now. "Just let him go Floyd. He's been through too much. His brain is too damaged…there is nothing we can do."

He pulls away from me…and is shaking his head. "Let me try….I have plans…We have plans…I'm taking him to meet Anthony…Let me try."

Anthony – I don't know this name but I don't stop him moving back to Spencer. "Floyd." I want to ask him to stop….why is this hurting me so much? Why is seeing him touching Spencer hurting so much. The futility of it….because I know how he is feeling and neither of us are allowed the luxury of showing it? Is he feeling as broken and lost as I am?

He is bent over the bed and he is talking to Spencer and he has his hand on him playing over his chest and across the things stuck to his chest…. I watch him pull the tape off his eyes…

"Hotchner….a shirt." and I blink…he calls me Hotchner now…I have noted that. A shift. A change in the relationship. Things moving on… "Now."

I don't want to leave them…I don't know what he is going to do…I don't understand how he is even here or why he has so much more blood on him. I don't want to spend a minute away from him. I don't want to risk what he might do. I don't trust him…I don't want his hands on Spencer…and he is climbing on the bed and I want to rip him away as he did me but he might be able to help. He has in the past.

"A shirt!"

And the sudden shout makes me jump and I can feel I am walking backwards out of the room. "Help him." But I say it so quietly only I can hear it. I want to be able to help Spencer in the way Floyd is. I want to be the one with him holding him and feeling his chest rise and fall and feel that fluttering heart trying to keep going and trying to keep the blood pumping.

"Hotchner now!"

And again I jump…I take in a sudden breath and I turn and walk away out of the room and I wonder where Gideon is.

The place is quiet. Horribly quiet up here. The only sounds you can hear are the bleeps of monitors and the occasional cry of despair. I don't want that to be us. I don't want to be in the relatives' room with the doctors being told he is gone. That they can't help him…that it is just the machines keeping him alive. I don't want to hear that. So I am giving Floyd this chance… and he can't mess up. I won't allow him to mess up.

"Excuse me." I say to the brunette on reception. "My friend has just arrived to see Dr Reid." She looks at me with enormous brown eyes and blinks. "He was in an accident on the way in. Is there any chance of finding him a clean shirt? Something? Anything? She is smiling a tight sad smile and nodding.

"Yes. Just wait here I'll get you something."

"And maybe a bowl of warm water and a towel?"

And she turns and gives me what I am sure is one of her looks. "Can he not use the washrooms?"

And I am shaking my head which causes her to nod. "I'll get you something." She's off at a near run which gives me plenty of time to start pacing the floor.

It's no good I have to go and see what he is doing.

I walk to the big window looking into the room, and he has turned off the monitors and removed the tube and I want to run in and slap him and push him away…he can't do that when I'm not there too. I put my hands to the window …and press my palms against the cold glass and watch him for a while. He rolls Spencer onto his side and I can see his eyes are open slightly but I don't think they are seeing anything and Floyd climbs up behind him and lays down nex to him and I want it to be me. I want to be the one giving him that final bit of comfort.

"Sir?" I turn and the brunette is handing me a white Tshirt and she places a bowl on the floor and then hands me a white fluffy towel. I nod at her and she turns and walks away.

I look back and I can see the monster has his arms around my Spencer and his face buried in his soft hair and still I can't cry. I just feel this overwhelming sadness.

-o-o-o-

Come on now babes…Don't give up now…I'm here…you won't believe what I had to do to be able to do this….so just stay with me Spence…We are so close now. Take what you need. I've fed…I'll be fine….just take what you need.

-o-o-o-

I got three of them.

The shard worked well…they weren't expecting that….but now I'm in deep shit.

One of them I think's dead. I sliced his throat….the blood spray is all over me. It tasted good. Another was just a slice in the arm and the other across the face. I warned them.

"I warned you not to fuck with me!"

But I feel so drowsy now….they stuck a load of needles in me and I managed to soak up some of the drugs…but I'm only a kid.

"I'm only a kid! I don't know any better!"

Hey it's worth a try isn't it?

I think I'll just curl up here and wait for my dad….He's not dead. You can't kill my dad…He'll come get me. He loves me and Rosa…he won't forget me.

* * *


	8. Chapter 8 Zap

Chapter 8

Zap

_It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live: - __Bette Midler_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

I can see him standing at the window just watching….What is he waiting for? Why doesn't he come back in again?

Spencer feels warm against me. I can smell his sweet smell but I can tell something has gone wrong.

I try to get Hotchner's attention as he stands just watching. I need to clean up a bit but someone is going to have to take over here and keep this going for a while.

I detest him.

I loath every bone in his body…but Spencer likes him and feels safe around him and desperate times etcetera, so I am going to have to swallow my pride and suck it up for once and let him in the circle of healing.

I move my hand off Spencer's chest and beckon him in.

He walked in slowly and stiffly with his hands by his side and a towel and a Tshirt. "I have these. There's water outside." He sounded different and wrong and not like Hotchner. And there was a different smell about his today…once I had got past the smell of death on Spencer I could smell fear and pain and sadness on Hotchner.

"Put one hand on his head and one on his chest. Let him take it from you."

Slowly I moved back as Hotchner put the things down on the plastic covered green chair and then moved forwards.

"He wont break…don't be scared to touch him."

"You shouldn't have removed his tube." I watched the fingers move over to Spencer's mouth and then I slid off backwards.

"He doesn't need it. Just stay there….you will feel him drawing from you. Let him."

I lean in and kiss Spencer's ear. "Just going to wash up and change babes….Hotchner is here." I say it quietly…I know he can hear me. He has to be able to hear me. "He will look after you for a little while. I'll be back."

I don't like to leave him. I don't want to leave him with Hotchner and there is that feeling also that they will be finding Gideon and Leona pretty soon and then I will have to leave, but I can't leave him yet. Not fully and if they come to take me…if they need to talk to me about the other stuff then I can't help Spence.

I need to move fast….

I need to hurry and focus….

I need to work out what to do.

I left the room and grabbed the bowl of water and entered the room again. There is no way to lock these damned doors….

"Shit."

"Floyd? What's wrong?"

And I can see Aaron's frown. I shake my head and pull off the top I've been wearing.

"My god in heaven Flanders. You can't go anywhere like that."

I look down and realise that my chest is pretty mashed looking. There are bits of bone showing through the ripped flesh…and Hotchner is correct…there is no way I am going far like this.

I put my face into the water and scrub at it with my fingers trying to get the bits off which have welded themselves onto me. The water turns bloody pretty damned fast. And drying with the towel just seems to transfer more blood over.

There is small point in trying to wash my chest. I can still feel it bubbling and oozing.

Quickly I pull the Tshirt on over my head.

I have made my decision and I know it's not going to sit well with the majority but when has anything I have done sat well with anyone but myself.

I feel so tired. So damned tired I can hardly think and this really isn't the time to be falling asleep on my feet.

"Move." I need him to get out of the way now. "Just budge over." And I use my elbow and see that the fingers on my left hand are almost the correct colour again. My Tshirt is tucked in. My boots are on my feet. All I need now is Spence.

"What the hell are you doing?" And now Hotchner is trying to push me away from Reid.

I turn to him and slap at his hands. "Listen." And I am hissing at him. "You're not stupid – so listen and try to understand. I can heal him. But I can't do it here. We have to move."

"He will die."

I nod… "Maybe…it's a risk…but he definitely will if left here. I have to take him now."

But he isn't listening and I am getting cross..

"Flanders – you cannot move him! Are you insane?!"

And that comment makes the muscle around my eye twitch and I turn and look at him in the eyes and I tell him how it is. "He is mine – and I am taking him with me. Get out of my way and let me do this or I will have to do something I don't want to…purely because I know how highly he thinks of you. Get me a chair for him. Now…move!"

But he doesn't…he just stands there looking fit to attack and so I get in first. Even feeling like a jelly on legs I manage a nice hard upper cut which sends him back a few steps.

I follow it up with another swipe from my right hand…I don't want to risk my left right now…I feel his nose give way under my fist and I see him rock back and balance against the monitors at the side of the bed.

"Learn." A boot in the groin. "Not." I grab him and head butt. "To." A knee to his groin as he still staggers and looks shocked at my sudden attack…but that's what makes it so satisfying. "Fuck with me." A final fist to the face – and I let him fall to the floor. "Weren't expecting that were you." I hiss down at him…I just wanted some help. I just wanted him to help me out for once…but no….he has to try to take charge. He has to spoil everything.

Running out of time.

Turning to see Spencer laying there so vulnerable makes that twist in the pit of my stomach…I need to rush. I need to get Sam…and he needs to help me here. I can't do this alone…I'm too damaged myself.

"Shit bugger bollocks." A little happy curse as I run in a staggering wheezing way to find a chair to stick my Spence in. There is a rank of them outside and just down the corridor and I am so running out of fucking time and I just want to curl up and close my eyes and get rid of this pain….but Spence….he's more important right now…I have to take him to Anthony. I want them to be together.

I am being looked at. I don't know why….I washed I have a clean top on….but the blood is sorta soaking through a bit now…and crap it hurts….it hurts so bloody much…I place a hand on my chest. "Come on Rosa love….make daddy proud…do your thing."

Fucking selfish bastard…I know I am…but it's not for me.

I grab at the handles of the nearest chair and turn it to go back to the room…Leaning on the handles relieves some of the pain and I am able to breathe a bit easier….not good….so not fucking good.

Back in the room I take the chair to Spencer and just stand looking at him and I have no sodding idea how I will get him off the bed. I can feel it's getting harder for me to breathe. I did something in my stagger to get the chair and now I need to drag him off the damned bed and into the chair…I don't know if I can do it….but I sure as hell can't_ not_ do it.

"Babes." I say it right into his ear…I don't know if he can hear me. "This might hurt. I'll be as gentle as I can." And I grab him under the arms and start to pull him off the bed.

My eyes are watering and my nose is bleeding and I want to scream as I feel flesh popping open and my ribs scraping against things they shouldn't and my heart is pounding to fast and too erratically.

But he is half on the chair. I crouch down and I take small breaths. I can't give up now…I have to keep going or Rosa would have been for nothing…and that memory – doing what I did gets me onto my feet again and I stand behind the chair and grab his arms and pull.

He is on the chair but I can't move I rest for a while before I start to cough…I am bringing up bits I am sure should be attached to my insides somewhere. It is splattering the top of Spencer's head….so my hand is rubbing it in and trying to get rid of it.

Once –

Quite a while back in a different life time almost – I had never felt real fear. I always get better…you can't kill me…I bounce back better each time…and I can punch and kick Spence here and it doesn't matter…it's not real….not any of it really….then one day I went too far and I hurt him bad…and that was the first time I really felt that panicked fear inside me….and that is what I am feeling again. A deep feeling…something I am having a problem controlling and it's making my head spin and my mind not work properly.

I still don't have my glasses….

I can't focus my eyes any better than I can focus my mind and I can feel blood running down my chest and there it is…as suddenly as it started…it's stopped.

"Shit."

My heart has stopped.

"Fuckit."

Looking around the room I can see the stuff they use for when they shout out the code blue or whatever the hell it is they shout. The paddle things…so I erm…

I was going to walk…but it looks like that's not going to happen all the time I don't have an operational system going…For crap on a stick….I crawl…yes I crawl and I hope you're content with this situation because the longer it takes to sort the less likely it will happen….

I stop and barf out a load of shit from the gods only know where and then carry on…

Dragging the stuff of the worktop it crashes to the floor and I'm truly amazed that no one has walked in on use yet…

What numbers should be on the dial is beyond me right now…I just fiddle until it starts buzzing….erm

"Clear." I've always wanted to say that…I shove them on my chest and by the gods in hades do they pack a punch….I'm suddenly laying on my back.

"Shit almighty!" I put my hand to my chest and feel…but still nothing…Laying down this time I turn up the dial to another setting and try again.

"Wowzers!" Its quite an awesome feeling you know…feeling all that charging through you like that…like you've just licked the live rail on the railway.

"Damnit! That was good." And I can feel my blood pumping again and so I shove the stuff in a bag and pull myself to my feet and I am shaking like I just took a few thousand volts and my focus has crapped out even more…but I will get back to that chair and I will bring this bag of goodies with me. I'll try it out on Spence one day…

A smile to my face. HA! Yes…it will probably hurt but hey….pleasure – pain – sex – food all good…all fabulous.

So I am back a the chair and I hook this bag over the back and now I can make a break for it. But I have to strap my babes in first… so that done…we are set to go.

"It's ok babes…I've got you."

And there we go! We are on our way out of this damned place….kill or cure….nothing in between…

I am – it must be said – looking worse for wear…and Spencer is only half dressed and covered in bruises…some of which you would be able to match with my jaw….HA! but that was like so much fun….

Fingers on the buzzer….call the elevator to me…come on come on….faster faster…I have to get out of this bloody place before they come to get me…and come to get me they will…will guns blazing…shoot first ask questions later…

"Bastards…all of them." I stroke the top of Spencer's head. "Except you babes…except you." And with a ping and a whoosh the doors open just as I hear…

"Hey you! Stop."

Push and go…and whoosh and yes…we are going down…and I would stop the lift and give you a blow job Spence…but we don't have time…there might be people waiting for us.

Cross that bridge when I get to it….3 – 2 – 1 ping whoosh.

The doors are open……………………

* * *

**A/N: a bad day leads to a bad chapter…sorry!! Reduced words for the same reason…Pb**

* * *


	9. Chapter 9 Crime and Punishment

Chapter 9

Crime and Punishment

**A/N: I was listening to: ****Harry Lubin: Fear and Film Noir World: Devil Edit Mix when I wrote this.**

_Sorry too tired to find a quote_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

My head is thumping.

I am laying down somewhere cool and that is about all I can think right now.

There are flashing images in my head and I don't know if they are real or not. I don't want them to be real. They are too horrific.

But there are smells…stale and fresh smells of death and it brings it all flying back into my head.

Flanders.

And so I carefully open my eyes and I can see something in the shadows but I can't make out what it is. It's too dark and my head is spinning too much and I know he attacked me. I know what he did to me…but what else did he do? Did I imagine that? Or did I really see him eating someone.

I try to move so I am on my hands and knees. The place is in total silence now. He has gone. I can sense that much. As I get to my knees I start to cough…and I gag and bring up clots of blood which have been resting in the back of my throat. My hands go to my head and I can feel unfamiliar lumps and bumps and a nasty stickiness.

I wish I understood what was going on. Why he did this…I was no threat to him. I would have helped him. We both ultimately are following the same goal…Get Spencer better…He knows I have no other reason….He knows that he is like son to me. I don't know why he felt it necessary to kick the crap out of me. Unless he doesn't want what I think. Unless he's not what I was hoping for. I need to get out of here but I need to see what that is laying in the corner but I have a horrible feeling that the images flashing in my head are going to be confirmed by what I see.

I move slowly. It hurts. I'm man enough to admit that Flanders stamping on me hurt. I have no problem admitting that. I'm slightly surprised that I am still alive to be honest with you. Why did he leave me? I can identify him. I saw what he did and he knows….this is assuming I did see it.

Oh lord. There is so much bloody… Too much blood and it's sticky and red and for a while I can't move. Yes I've see horrible sights. I've likely seen worse, but this is somehow different. I know who did this. I know how close it was to being me and that is of absolutely zero comfort to my thoughts. It looks like it was a female. But she has been ripped apart. Her face is still in tact which is the only way I would even know the gender. He chest is ripped open and her ribs snapped and broken off.

Is that what I saw him chewing on?

Has this monster gone back for Spencer?

I need to get help…I need to get help before I slip into darkness again. The room is cold but I am feeling too hot…I am sweating but I think it is with fear…with fear for Spencer. I'll be alright. I'm not afraid for me….I am very afraid for the people out there…where he can reach out his hand and just grab at someone and do this.

Looking to the door now I make my way painfully in that direction. And I am wondering why I am still alive and that thought worries me. He wants me alive for a reason? He has a reason for everything…Even killing that poor girl – even that he had a reason for. It might not be the sort of reasons we agree with, but it's him…that's what he is.

And I don't know how to stop him.

My fingers are brushing against the metal of the door now and I have to find something to pull myself up with. I grip with my fingers along a ledge running the length of the room and slowly and thinking of each movement as I do it I pull myself up to stand. The door has bloody smears all over it. I try to avoid touching anything but I need to open the door. Pulling my shirtsleeve down over my hand I grasp the handle and pull.

Locked.

He's locked me in here.

He needs time then.

He is going after Spencer.

I start to pound on the door. Shouting out is not an option here as I think he's broken my jaw. I certainly can't move my mouth and my teeth feel misaligned, so the hammering with my fists is the only thing I can do right now.

I don't know how long it takes.

How long I am standing leaning on the door with my legs going into spasms as the muscles protest and the room constantly spinning around but eventually someone arrives.

"It's locked. I need to get a key. Hang on."

The voice says and so at least someone knows I am here and I can relax for a little while. A breath. A deep breath and I turn so my back is to the wall and I can see the mess Floyd left behind and wonder once again why that wasn't me. He knew I was watching. Was it a warning? Is that what it was all about…'mess with me and I will do this'? I don't know…I really have no idea anymore what motivates that man except he has a murderous need to protect Spencer from everything except himself.

"Hello?" A voice the other side of the door…. "I have a key." But it is a kind female voice and I don't want her coming in here and seeing this …I can't let her see this. I listen for the click and the door starts to open and so I turn back and stand in the door way.

"Oh god! What happened?" I see the shocked look on her face and I realise that I must look a mess too. I'm sorry I put this young thing through his. I make the motions of writing something and she nods and hands me a bit of paper and a pen with a smiley face on the end. I give her a phone number and my name and say to hurry up. And I tell her not to let anyone down here. And I ask her to contact the Federal Agent up in HDU. And she runs off with very big very scared eyes and again I'm sorry I put her through this mess. I didn't want to have to do this.

-o-o-o-

Retards.

They are fucking retards.

"You can't bloody make me!"

But they say they can. I am orphaned and they have nowhere for me to go…and I - uh yeah I killed someone….but it was an accident! Right…I should have got the three of them

"I'm sorry!" Well I'm not but I can say that.

They are sending me to Juvie…and they said something about Boot Camp cos I have 'an attitude problem'. Well actually I don't…you lot have the problem not me. Not my damned fault! What did you expect?

Firstly I'm raised by weirdo's who aren't my parents…

Then they get whumped and splattered.

Then my long lost dad – who I love more than anything in the world…comes to look after me…and then he's dead too! And they wonder why I get a pissy attitude with people.

You would get one too.

Don't fucking shake your head I know you would.

So I am here in a bleeding cell…well ok it's a bedroom thing but I'm not allowed out and I know there are other kids here I can hear them chattering and talking but I'm not allowed to be with them because I am 'a menace to society' and should be 'strung up by my balls' which might be a problem.

Not cos they haven't dropped but cos I will bite their bloody throats out if they try it.

So I'm sitting on the floor and I've broken everything I can…and there wasn't much and this time there is no glass and shit so I'm gonna have to go in with teeth…but at my age that's not so good….better to use weapons…

You know what?

My dad used to use weapons….but he stopped…but he never told me why. He's got the strongest teeth and nails ever….he had….

I don't accept he is dead…he can't be. That is what he is all about…shoot him and he bounces back again. That's the whole point…that is what he is…take that from him and he is just some spiteful fag…and that's not how I think of my dad….and that's not what I'll be like.

These here people aren't going to be able to boss me around because that's not what I am about. It just wont happen.

Crap…the door. Now what. More shit – more words.

Five blokes and they are standing looking ready to pounce so I'm going to just sit and do nothing.

"Sam. You didn't eat your lunch and they say you missed your breakfast too. You need to eat."

So I just stare at them cos I don't want to eat their muck.

And now they are coming for me and I don't know what they want but I'm not much liking the look of this one bit.

"Get away from me." And I am shouting….and now I am kicking at them and they are still trying to grab me so I spit and bite and I can taste blood and I can feel I have dug my fingernails into one of them and I can hear him screaming and I just want them to leave me alone and let me mope and feel sorry for myself, but I cant do that…they wont let me….

Fuck! One of them hit me…..that bloody hurt and now I am screaming and wailing like a banshee and they are shouting at me to shut up and stop fighting and the more the tell me the more I fight them and now I feel the stab of a needle and I let out one last howl as I feel it rushing through my blood and I try to take it and get rid of it and not let it effect me but there is too much….and they are learning I can do that and I feel sleepy and they are still shouting at me, but now their words mean nothing….and I am sliding to the floor.

Someone kicks me…and they are calling me names….a dirty little freak and a perverted lump of filth and I wonder in my foggy mind if dad taught them those words….and I can feel them picking me up and throwing me on the bed face down and it's now that I suddenly realise what is going on…but it's too late now….I am falling asleep…………………………

-o-o-o-

I was expecting something dramatic….but nothing happened…really I did expect a line of SWAT guys there and I was about set to die with my Spence here in a volley of bullets…there is nothing…just a few candy stripers and the normal run of the mill load of people milling around waiting for their appointments or lifts home.

Now I have to get out of this place and not attract too much attention but as I take a step forward I realise I am dripping blood everywhere. Not good….not good at all but not much I can do about it. I know that I will have to top up again soon. Slowly does the job. No point in rushing things now…Just need to get out….get out of this place…oh danm it just hurts so much. I should have gotten something for the pain but it's too late now…

"Spence." I lean forward and stroke the side of his face and kiss his ear. "We're leaving babes…hold on there." And I think I'm stuck…one of my ribs seems to have caught against another and I'm stuck….I don't bloody believe what is going on there. Restrooms…where the hell are the men's rooms I can't stand up straight now and every minute wasted…you know how the story goes….but I need to do this in private.

Looking around me I can see the icon of the man which I am going to assume for now is the sign for the restrooms…and so I am pushing this chair carefully with me leaning over the back of it trailing blood behind me like some great bloody slime monster and why does nothing ever go right? Why this now? Why not when I've jacked a car?

Rightly…disabled toilets…that's what I need.

"Sir – are you alright?" A voice next to me and a man of about thirty. So I need to make a quick decision.

"I could do with some help." My voice sounds shit. It sounds like I am underwater and blowing bubbles…and the guy pushes open the door for me and the three of us enter.

Right…..now here is my plan.

I stay with my back to the door and shove my Spence forward. I then pull the Tshirt off over my head and I can see out of the corner of my eye that he is looking at me.

Here's the thing, my chest was mashed and it's still undergoing repairs….and so I can just peal the skin back and I grab at my ribs and I pull them back to where they should be….and I can see this bloke and he is staring at me and finally he says.

"What the fuck?"

and I say back…"Should have seen me an hour ago…I was dead."

So I push the skin back and look over at him.

"So you wanted to help."

But now he's not looking so much like he wants to. He is looking between Spence and I and I don't like that either and hell I don't have time even to give him a quick fuck….no time for sod all HAha no pun intended there….but only the truth…and well you know how I am a lover of the truth.

"You've changed your mind?" And he is now trying not to look at me. "Cos really I need your shirt, cos be a darling and take it off and hand it over….mind's a bit messy now. Quickly quicker…faster faster…You need my help?" and he is shaking his head but the buttons are coming undone now so that's a start. A check shirt in shades of blue which he probably got from goodwill or some such fuck place its crap but will do.

"Didn't mean to snatch." I say as I snatch it from him. "But you're taking too damned long." And I slide my arms in the sleeve and quickly do up the buttons again then tuck it into my Versace. Feeling a bit more human again now…

That by the way was a joke.

You may laugh.

But you know what?

I am going soft in my old age. He's looking fucking so scared there is no way I can kill him. It's more fun to think he will be looking over his shoulder for me for the rest of his life.

"I'm leaving now with my babe here." The guy is nodding. "And you are going to just sit there on the john and do nothing…you understand me? You don't leave this room until someone finds you cos I will know if you do, and I will come and hurt you in ways you can't even dream of. Don't let me down." I grab Spencer's chair and start to walk out backwards. He looks over at me as I grab the door handle.

"Good luck."

And I don't know if he is taking the piss or not, but it causes me to smirk and nod at him and then we are out and the door is closing behind us.

We walk towards the main door and my heart is doing things it shouldn't and I just have to hope that it doesn't stop again. Spence is worrying me too. I don't know if he is still breathing. I need to find a van or something. Something we can curl up in the back of in the dark and heal together.

But I still don't know if I can do this alone. I will try…then I might have to get Sam to help me out here. If he will…and I don't see why he wont.

With a whoosh the doors slide open and now I have to go to the right and up and fucking ramp of all things and go to the car park….find a vehicle and nab it. Not hard….not if I am healthy and my ribs aren't snagging on my internal organs and if I don't have someone I think might be dead in a wheelchair.

"I want to take you to Anthony."

Anthony and that is really important to me and I cant figure out why that means so much suddenly but really thinking hard which isn't easy right now I think it's because I know I can't help Spence. This is it…the end of the line. Now it's Sam's turn to take over. I just need to sort this out first.

A van a van my kingdom for a fucking van. Everyone and his uncle drives a bleeding sports car around here. And it brings back flashes of memory and I run my fingers through Spencer's hair.

And there it is….a dark blue van….exactly what I want….make and model? You don't need to know…it's a transit. Perfect for what I need.

So here I am saunter saunter….like the little innocent car jacker I am…no one around and my mr magical finger slide over the paint work and the door locks click open.

Quickly quickly and I can feel its going to hurt mucho extremeo but with a deep breath and a big sigh I pull open the back doors of the van and unstrap Spencer….

Chuck him in….fold the chair and slide that in. There are some blankets in the back….so I wrap them around Spence who does actually seem to be breathing still by some miracle.

Driver seat. Ignition….go go go go….

Until I get to the sodding barrier and I don't have the parking ticket thing for the bloody machine….so

"Sorry babes."

And I crash through and down the ramp and past the main doors and past where the ambulances sit and now the taxi rank is flying by and now we are out onto the little slide road…and we are free. We did it…we got away.

Now I need to find somewhere to hide up for the night and snuggle with my babe and get us both better before I hunt down my Sam.

And I am driving and thinking of Emily Prentiss and of Spencer and of Sam and thinking what a fine good looking family we would make. But for now I need to drive up to the forest and pull over somewhere for a day or so.

* * *


	10. Chapter 10 Rest and Regeneration

Chapter 10

Rest and Regeneration

_The most satisfying thing in life is to have been able to give a large part of one's self to others: - __Pierre Teilhard de Chardin_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

The first I knew anything had gone wrong was when hands touched me and a voice spoke to me.

"Agent Hotchner?"

I know I groaned.

I hate feeling vulnerable. It's one of the things which Flanders knows and is good at harvesting.

I put up a hand to let the voice talking to me that I can hear…that I am alright, but I'm not. He hurt. He doesn't play when he hits. That was no kiddie play fight or bitch slapping, that was like being hit by a bulldozer.

So I roll to my back and one hand I still hold up to let this female voice know I am with it and I know what is going on even though I don't. I just know I am in a hospital and that Flanders hits damned hard. For someone who is dead.

My other hand goes to my face and I check the damage.

A bloodied nose and a split lip. And I frown. It really did feel like he had broken my nose but it's not. My forehead has hair stuck to sweat and blood and I push it out of the way and finally push myself up onto my elbows so I am sitting.

"Sir what happened?" The female voice again. I haven't looked at her yet. I need to keep my attention on what I need to do.

"Dr. Reid." I say, but my mouth is sore and the words are slurred…she understands though.

"He's not here."

He has to be. Flanders can't have taken him…not Spencer…not when he is so close to taking his last breath. He can't take him and keep him.

I feel sick.

I quickly manage to turn so I am on my knees and I throw up onto the clean hospital floor.

"I came up to tell you about Gideon." And the voice sounds worried…. "And I found you here…what happened?"

Jason? Something happened to Jason. Of course it did…all that blood on Flanders…stupid of me to assume it was all his.

"Did something happen to Gideon?" And I am throwing up again and the woman is putting a card bowl thing in front of me to try to catch as much as she can.

"He was attacked in the mortuary."

I want to get to me feet…I need to lead…I have to contact the team…people have to be contacted and Flanders needs to be stopped. I have a vile creeping dread that Spencer is dead. I can't see how he can't be. Flanders removed his life support and ran off with him. He must know there is no hope…where the hell would he take him.

A sudden flurry of movement in the doorway catches my attention.

Morgan.

I have to pull myself together and lead my team and I can't do that kneeling on the floor….

"Hotch man!" and he has his hand on my shoulder. "What the hell is going on? Where's Reid?" But I don't know the answer to the questions yet.

"Morgan – I need the hospital shut down. We have to stop him before he gets Reid out."

But he's not running and doing what I asked he is helping me to my feet and I am wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

"He's gone. He took a van from the parking lot and left. I've called for road blocks but we have no idea which direction he went in…I have Garcia on it."

Gone. We are too late. "Good – we need to try to work out where he would take Reid. Places he has been to in the past – maybe home. I need everything…any tiny bit of information on the man." And I did use that term loosely knowing that we didn't have a hope in hell of profiling where he could have taken Reid. The only thing we know is that he has a liking for the forest.

"The forest roads. I want every vehicle stopped and searched."

Morgan is nodding. "Already on it sir….Gideon will be alright though we don't understand why he left him alive."

I don't understand all that is going on…I'm out of the loop…and I don't like this feeling. So Morgan has to tell me about Gideon and Leona….and how Jason knows Floyd saw what he was doing. Why leave him alive to be able to point an accusing finger at him? It made no sense….but when did what Floyd do make sense. Then there is me….he had plenty of chance to kill me. I was incapacitated on the floor. It would have been easy for me but again he didn't.

Maybe it did make sick sort of sense. He killed indiscriminately, except for the members of Reid's team. His friends. He left them alive. So maybe he does have feelings…maybe he left us alive because….

Because he is too much of a coward to carry it out. It would hurt Spencer too much if he found out. It would cause problems where he doesn't need them…but he will continue to hurt and destroy us slowly so he can sit back and say 'Hey it wasn't me.'

I am leaning on the edge of the bed where I last saw Spencer and were Floyd has moved him from. Taken him somewhere and I need to work out where.

"I need to get back to the office. We have to look at this properly and profile Flanders." I ignore the incredulous look on Morgan's face. I know he knows as well as I do that Flanders is so unpredictable that profiling is not possible… "Derek…there has to be something. Some clue – something he keeps going back to or keeps doing. Everyone has roots…I need to know where his are. I need to know how long he has been influencing Spencer. I feel it is a lot longer than we think."

And Morgan is nodding. "I'll call Prentiss and get back to the office….Sir you need to get your wounds looked at before you leave."

I nod. I will do that. The last thing I need now is to get some nasty blood infection from the man….whatever he is…and hold me back from finding Reid.

-o-o-o-

I've pulled up off the road and driven a bit into the forest….they will find us if they look hard enough. I can't have that. I can't have them find us now. Not now that I am this close. The chair will be no good out here…and I don't want to spend the night in the van. I have to keep moving.

My original plan to get Prentiss involved seems to have evaporated and I'm not even sure where Sam is…and I'm not going to call him. I don't know if I can get him right now. I will have to do this just the two of us…and that's not a problem.

OK…it's a fucking huge problem because I'm not getting any better and he's not getting any better….so we have to walk. I will have to make him walk.

Walking around to the back of the van isn't the easiest thing I've ever done and I know now that I am fucked. I messed up and I am probably going to pay for this….not a mistake…I don't make mistakes…I just fuck up. And in my head there is a difference.

Opening the back of the van I can see that Spence hasn't moved and that is bit concerning. I don't like that he hasn't moved.

"Spence." I say his name quietly and reach out and touch his bare foot I can see…and it's too cold. "Babes?" Carefully – so my ribs don't get messed up again I climb into the back of the van. "Spencer." I pull the blanket off him and sit next to him with my legs crossed. His eyes are slightly open and his has been drooling. This is a good thing… let this be a good thing….I can see in a dreamy haze that my fingers are reaching out and running across his neck. I'm not looking for a pulse. I know there is one. I can see his chest moving slightly.

"Spence!" and I give him a small shake. "Babes we have to go. You have to wake up." But he's still not moving. I will have to get him back in the chair and drag him…but though, yes that seems like the only solution it's also the most insane one. There has to be something else.

I roll him onto his back and wriggle closer to him. "Spence…I tried to get to you…really I did…but I didn't make it. I wanted to take you clubbing and give you a blow job in the backroom….I wanted to expand your mind…give you some new experiences.

I put my hand on his chest and the breathing is there but shallow and I don't think it's going to keep going like this for long. I have one option. I have to carry him…find somewhere dark…and I know just the place if I can get there. I'm not sure that I can. But they will never find us there….and I can call Sam to me then.

I'm not sure how I am going to carry him….The height difference makes things awkward and the fact that I'm not at full strength. I pull the blanket away from him and lay it flat and then I roll Spencer onto it….Shit that hurt me….

So I crouch for a while and I cough up pink bubbles and I know that's a bad sign, but nothing I can do about it right now and so I just take some breaths and then reach out for the goody bag with the zapper in it. I have a feeling I'll be needing that again at some point. I chuck in a bottle of water I find in the back and then tie it all closed. A parcel of treasures. I don't really have much choice again as I roll them out onto the forest floor all bundled up. I climb down carefully and check on Spencer again…. Come on Spence show me some life. You were fine…more than fine last time we were together…you can't give up on it now.

So…

I crawl. I get on my hands and knees and I grab a corner of the wrapped up blanket and I crawl.

And it is only because I can keep a better eye on Spence this way. I could walk if I needed to…I just need to get him away from here as quickly as possible. And so here we go.

About five minutes later and I am coughing and gagging and spitting up the gods only know what. It's getting cold and it's getting dark. Sitting back on my heels I turn and look at Spencer and let out a sigh. Why is this turning to such crap?

I put my hand to my chest and I can feel the bubbling again and the way my shirt is stuck to the blood. I need to top up. I can't carry on.

Slowly I crawl back to the blanket and stroke the top of Spencer's head. "Babes I need your help."

But he is still sleeping and too ill to do this to him. I should have brought Hotchner with me to that bloke I left in the restrooms….Looking down at my hands I can see they are shaking and my left hand is going a nasty greyish blue colour again. I turn it over and look at my fingernails. They are black…and a quick flick and a pick with my right hand fingers and my thumb nail is gone.

Under where the thumbnail was the skin is swollen and yellow. Scratching at it produces a thick yellow-green slime which stinks like shit.

"Fabulous."

There are places that you might….no places that you don't even dare dream about. Places so dark and erm….homely that you will die of shock…and no I'm not meaning my chintz curtains and matching table cloth….I am talking of where we take the dead….sort of like a elephant's graveyard, but only for us. For my sort and we protect those places with our lives…obviously and this is where I will take Spencer…and I will see Anthony again…

I have dirt or sweat or something in my eyes and it's making my eyes water. I have to rub at them and then I give Spencer a gentle kiss on his lovely lips and they respond and his eyes flicker for a moment….and I think of being prince charming with my snow white….except I don't feel too charming right now….

I put a hand one on each side of his face and I look into his eyes and talk to him. "Babes…Hey…thanks for waking up. You need to help me."

And he blinks back at me and licks his lips and I want to flip him over and take him, but I don't have time right now….later, later I will have time. "I'm injured Spence, I can't carry you or I would….I need you to see if you can walk….or crawl…I need to get off the path and back out of the way."

And he blinks at me again but I don't know if he understands me because there doesn't seem to be anything behind the eyes….he looks blank and confused. So I lean in and kiss him on the end of the nose. "OK….I'll carry on like this for a bit longer, but its getting dark…we need to camp down somewhere safe." I look at his face and realise that something is touching my arm and I look down and his hand is there resting on me….and I get more dirt in my eyes.

I put a hand to my chest again and feel for the bubbling and it's still there but I think maybe it's died back a bit.

Spencer hates the dark…I know this and I do feel bad about it but there is nothing I can do right now. I need to get off the path so that's what I do….slowly slowly pulling my treasure off the path which isn't much more than an animal track and into the undergrowth.

You know…..

If you know the forest well…if you have lived there a lot of your life you know things…and I know that if I keep low….like on my belly I can slide under these roots and into a whole new world. And this is where I am taking Spencer….to my world….via the back door.

I have to turn around so that I crawl backwards and drag him with me. It's not the easiest thing I have ever done but slowly we disappear under the roots of the trees and into the dark recesses of the forest.

The smell is rich and fresh. The smell of rotting leaves and dead animals….A place of death. Which is exactly what it is. But there is a long way to go yet. Deep down we need to go and I am flagging…I need nourishment. I need to restock my system and so does Spence.

There are a few ways I can restock his system. I can catch him something and bleed it….I can catch something and eat it myself…then bleed myself into him….or I can screw my babes little butt until he screams for mercy.

I scrabble back down to him still secured in his blanket and run my fingers over his face. "You with me?" And I get a smile this time and a mouthed 'yes' and this is good…this is so good that if I could stand up and have a fiesta I would….but I cant…I have to celebrate laying down…and I can think of only one good way to do that. Tonight we will stay here.

"I need food." And I get that blank blink again and I wonder if he can see, but I don't want to ask because I am not going to like the answer I don't think. "I'm not going anywhere. Hold me….Hold my foot babes…so you know I'm still here…I need to move so I can get something."

And as I swivel around I feel a hand lightly touch me. And it makes my stomach twist inside in a very good way. It's going to be good. We can do this. Now all I need is some night time rodent to feed me.

-o-o-o-

I know he is talking to me but my ears and brain are not communicating with each other…and it's all so dark. I think I have my eyes open but I still cant see anything so I close them again. I'm not sure if it's night or day or why I am here and where Hotch is. I am sure Hotch was with me.

I need to talk to him and tell him something but he is dragging me along the ground and I am wrapped up in a blanket it feels like and it's not really that comfortable. I need a drink of water…

My mouth is so dry but again my brain isn't cooperating. Something is wrong…I know that much….

When the thing that makes you who you are breaks…then what are you? I don't know what I am anymore…I'm not who I used to be, that's for sure. I tried thinking ….but I don't remember what to think about…does that make sense? I know my mum used to sit on my bed….or I sat on her's and she'd read to me, but I cant remember her voice or what it was she read.

It's gone.

And I don't know why…I just know Floyd….and I know Hotch…and that is it…the rest is a big grey nothingness.

He is talking to me again and touching my face and I remember the calloused hands and I remember that smell…but I can smell blood too…and his voice…I love the sound of his voice but I cant understand what he is saying to me and so I blink at him and try to clear my eyes but everything is too dark.

His lips touch mine and I get bursts of memory….of something good and something safe and I need more of that feeling but he's gone again and is talking to me and I want to talk back but I think that if I waste my breath on words I will die. I need all my breath for me. To keep me going.

"…………………………….Hold my foot babes…so you know I'm still here…I need to move so I can get something." I hear him say it…and my stomach twists with fear…I don't want him leaving me. I don't want to be left in the dark alone but I can feel him moving away and my hand reaches into the darkness and I grab at the hem of his jeans and I wont let go until he says he will come back again and stay with me.

Again as I lay there and I can feel the cold night air on my face and on my feet I wonder where Hotch is…and why he isn't here too…Why did we leave him behind? I try to work it out.

A scream…an animal screaming very close by and my hand jerks in fear on Floyd and I need him closer to me.

"It's OK babes." And I understand him. And I can hear noises in the dark and ripping sounds and I really don't want to know what is going on anymore. My mind is firing off all sorts of images and I am just hoping that most of them are wrong. I they are things I have seen in the past. Some of them are sort of familiar. But most of them are just random images as far as I can tell…My brain is trying to heal…this will happen.

He moves back to me and I release his clothing as his fingers gently stroke my hand and ask me to let go now. But now I know he is right next to me…I can smell him again and it is that comforting lustful smell he carries around with him everywhere and I breathe it in happily.

"Spencer." He sounds worried and his worry panics me….And I reach out for him and find his hand which he lets me take and he squeezes my fingers in his. "Spencer I need you to do something for me. Well a couple of things….I am going to ask you to drink something…and I don't want protests I just want you to do it…and then I am going comfort you."

I'm not sure what he is talking about again…he is talking in riddles and my brain seems to have rebooted to a time where riddles and jokes don't always make sense. I nod slowly not sure what I am letting myself in for….but I know he would never hurt me….don't I?

He has placed his finger tips against my lips and is gently pushing his fingers in. I hear him let out a small gasp and then I taste it….blood flowing down his hand and along his fingers and dripping drip by drip into my mouth…and I haven't been this thirsty probably for so long I can't remember and I accept the liquid and I hear Floyd sigh.

I don't know how long it lasts….not long…long enough for it to coat the inside of my mouth and for my ears to pop and for flashes of light to appear in the darkness. Then he is pushing me over onto my side and pulling up tightly behind him….

At first I am confused….I don't know what he is doing….I don't like this closeness. I don't like his hands touching me like that. I don't want him doing this to me…and I want to get away from him….my sudden fear of what he might be doing….but he is holding me tightly and pulling me closer and I can feel his hot breath on the back of my neck and his hands on my chest and his fingernails digging in….If I didn't think that screaming would kill me I would have….he rips his way in. Forcing himself into me like I am just a piece of meat for his taking. I can smell his rotten breath and I can feel now a hand rubbing against me and he is talking to me all the time but I dont have the strength to fight him off.

"I love you when you are a filthy whore….show me how dirty you can be freak."

And I cry….not aloud….not so anyone can hear me….but in silence and I can feel the hot tears running down my face and I wonder again where Hotch is and why he's not here too.

* * *


	11. Chapter 11 Friends

Chapter 11

Friends

**A/N: Slight slashy undertones**

_Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father! -__Lydia Maria Child_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine

* * *

I knew.

All along I knew and I can't say anything, but now he is asking for help. He might not know it, but I can feel it….up here…in my head…that lure…that continual pull he has on me.

I haven't heard his voice or seen his writing in my bathroom mirror recently, and I haven't had that strange feeling when I awaken…I know he has stopped coming to see me and I know that there is a reason.

I knew…I damned well knew he would up and leave and abandon all for that one thing he can't leave…he won't leave…he will keep picking and scratching at it until Spencer is gone…then he will wonder what the hell happened.

I woke up this morning and I could smell damp earth and man sweat. I know he had not been here, I know. But I could smell him and I could sense him and he wants help. It's not something I am willing to do on my own. He is too manipulative. I don't know what he will do to me when I get there. I can't ask Aaron for help. He will insist on doing things by the book and he will get the forest torn apart in an attempt to find him, but he wont. He won't he able to.

Morgan. No again….not Morgan. He has a great love for Reid…of the brotherly type. He adores him…he is protective of him…and he will tell him how it is. He's not afraid to ask Reid the questions the rest of us won't. He will ask him what's bothering him….he will hand out advise…and Reid will accept it, but the hatred that he and Flanders hold is too big. I can't ask him.

Rossi.

So here I am in my combat pants and hiking boots and my snug fitting Tshit with my cell phone in my hand and my finger wavering over Rossi's number. Do I take him into my confidence? Do I let him know that I think I can find Reid and Flanders? Will he go straight to Hotch and tell him? We will then be right back to my first scenario and there is no happy ending to that one….just more pain and more bloodshed and more broken people.

Can I trust him? Can I trust anyone….

I need to light up…I need to smoke and it feels like again I am smoking for both of us….

My left hand keeps cramping up too….and I don't like this….I don't like what is happening to me….or my friends.

The full length mirror shows that I've lost weight. My chest is flatter…my hips narrower….and my face is thinner….My hair is still short and sometimes I feel like taking the clippers to it and not shaving it all off but making it real short. But then I wonder what mother will say if she sees me looking like this. No makeup. Dressed like a guy. Acting like a fool.

So I light up again and sigh and walk to the kitchen and my hand is still clutching my phone and I can see it is getting dark out and I need to think…I need to do something ….

In my lounge is one of those really big half circle wicker chairs….it's full of cushions and this is where I am planning on sitting….I pick up a green disposable lighter and an old bendy tin ashtray….you know the sort I mean….the ones they put out on the tables in cheap bars, and I take the lot to my chair and I curl my legs under me and take a long and what feels – much needed drag on the smoke. It feels good…and I balance the ashtray on the blue cushion and look down at the phone again. I need to do this…and there is only one person I can turn to and I wish it was Hotch and I feel like I am going behind his back, which I suppose I am but I need to do this without him. I need to do this differently. We can't do this by the book.

"It's Emily…I need to talk to you. Alone. Can you come to my apartment?"

There – I've done it….first contact. And I sigh and rest my head back and wish I had some gin or something in the house but I don't so I settle for the smoke and I suck greedily on the tip of the dark cigarette thing and I think this should be making me cough and gag, but it's not.

Rossi will be here in about half an hour. Do I need to do anything? Do I need to make notes so I don't forget anything? Can I trust that he wont bring Hotch with him. I'm sure – almost one hundred percent sure that he wont report this….That for now this is just the two of us… and I wonder if this is the end of my career and how mother will think of me ….and right now non of it matters….all that matters is that I help Floyd and Reid….and I keep Hotch away…

And there is a strange niggling guilt over that.

-o-o-o-

Emily called me…she wants to see me and I know what it is about, but I don't know how I can help her. Maybe she just needs an ear…but why mine? I don't know her as well as Hotch of maybe even Garcia does…So I am curious enough to meet her and listen to what she has to say….

I know it will be about Flanders.

I don't know if she needs a shoulder to cry on…in which case I will be no good…or if she needs something else. She sounded tired…But again if that is lack of sleep or just a general fatigue over this whole situation I don't know.

So I am in my car and I did wonder if I should tell Hotch were I am going, but she called me and not Hotch and so there must be a reason for it.

If this is about Flanders then it explains why she doesn't want Morgan involved. Now I just have to hope that she's not got the guy with her in the apartment…that this isn't a trap.

But I don't feel it is….I didn't hear that in her voice. She sounded confused and worried…not scared…

I will have to see what it is she wants….and now my finger is pressing against her door bell and I can hear the sigh and the walking of feet on boards and the door opens.

"Dave." She stands to the side and lets me in. She's been smoking again. She didn't look the type to be a smoker but now it kind of suits her. "Can I get you a coffee….juice?" I ask for a juice and she pours one from the fridge and then we go and sit down. She folds up into her big wicker chair and lights up and I sit on her couch.

"You needed to talk to me." And I sip on the icy orange juice from the big tumbler.

"Flanders."

She didn't have to say more….I knew that was what this was all about

"I think I can find him."

And I wasn't expecting that….I was thinking she was going to confess undying love for him or something equally quirky….but knowing where he is? "You should report it to Hotch. If you know where he is….he has Reid. He murdered a woman and ate parts of her Emily." And she is nodding at me.

"And he has Reid….but I don't know the location. I just feel I could follow him. I could find him."

Go get up to leave again. The woman needs to talk to Hotch about this. "Prentiss – he has Reid." And she is looking at me with the biggest darkest damned eyes ever and I swear if I didn't know better she was going to burst into tears. "I don't know what it is you want from me. Why have you contacted me?"

She is smoking and chewing on the inside of her mouth and just looking up at me. "I thought….I thought that you might be willing to do this off the books." And I am nodding at her and pacing the room.

"You know what will happen if we get found out? And we will get found out."

"Dave….he worships you. You are his idol. He's read every published word of yours; you can't just walk away from him." And that hurt…that really hurt because of course I know how he feels about me…how he followed me around like a lost puppy when I first came back to the BAU but I can't let that colour my judgement. "We just need to find them Dave. I'm not going to beg you. I will go anyway, but I thought your presence would settle the situation."

And I know she means it will stop Flanders from attacking her. Assaulting her…Raping her. "Emily – this needs to be done by the book." And I can see the disappointment in her face as she unfolds herself and stands up.

"I understand."

She says it but she doesn't mean it…and I am pacing again and thinking and rubbing my hand over my chin. "I don't like it."

Emily is shaking her head. "Nor do I, but I know I can find them…and I almost feel like he is calling to me Dave, and I have to go."

"I need to get someone to look after the dogs. And I need to call in. Emily it's not as easy as just walking away…the BAU is horribly undermanned right now…we are just lucky there is no case. Hotch is injured and you are off again…and now me. Strauss won't like it."

And now Emily is pacing. "Dave – it's too dark to go now. It will have to wait until the morning. Please think about it. I will be leaving first light."

I nod and walk to the door. Obviously I will be here…I just need to persuade her to tell Aaron where we are going. "Tomorrow then. Call me before you leave in case I am running late." And I don't turn to look at her but I don't think she is smiling. She is puffing on her smoke and looking lost and confused. "I might have to tell Hotch." And I expect her to protest but she doesn't.

And I am back in my car and I just sit and I just think and I wonder what Flanders has done to Spencer.

-o-o-o-

They've left me.

The room is dark cos they took the light fitting out.

They took the bedding off the bed so I have a stinking mattress now but I'm not on it. I'm not staying on it….not now…not after what they did. I don't think I'll eat anything or sleep on another bed ever.

If I stay here in the corner and keep quiet they might leave me alone. My backside hurts….they sodding hurt me they did….I screamed and kicked but they stuck that needle in me and hurt me anyway…and dad…

Dad…..

I know he's not dead…but I don't know where he is and I don't why he has left me here….For a while I called for him. I shouted his name but they came and dragged me from the corner and made me stand and they shouted in my face and I could feel their spittle on my cheeks and smell the dinner they had eaten (sausages and cabbage) and they howled at me and swore at me and told me that my sort go to hell and that I have no one so stop shouting and making a fuss and that they had control over what happened to me now…and they let me know that it wasn't going to be fun.

I would have cried. I nearly did. But I bit on the inside of my mouth until it bled and it stopped me. And then they threw me onto the bed but I just lay there and didn't move until they'd gone again. I wanted to climb under the bed. I wanted to make a nest and hide in the dark, but they wouldn't let me. I don't know what I did what was so bad… I don't know why they hate me so much. I don't know what is going to happen to me…and for the first time in my life I want the Trent-Saviours to come and get me.

They've given me pyjama type things to wear but they are sticking to the blood on the back of my legs. And I have a big lump next to my mouth and my eye is stinging and I know this is against the law but I don't know what to do about it.

My room has no window. I don't know if it's night or day. I guess it's night cos they brought in a plastic cup with juice in it and I threw it at them and told them where to stick their tumbler…and that's' why I have the lump by my mouth….I got a sharp back hander for that….and I wish I was my dad….I wish I had half what he has and I would fucking kill them for this.

I stand up and walk to the door and run my fingers over the metal….I feel for the lock….and I have a good idea I can pop that….but then what? What will happen then? I don't want them to know I can do locks until I have a plan so I go back to my dark corner and wish I had a clock. If I had a clock I could twist things to go my way….I could do that…but I've got nothing.

The backs of my fingers hurt. They swiped at them with a stick thing and made them bleed.

"My dad will kill the lot of you!" I shout it and I don't bloody care.

"You can't do this to me!"

And I am up again and I feel this sudden real bad rage inside of me.

"Let me out of here you fucking bastards!"

I'm hammering at the door again like before and kicking at it and I feel something crack and I think I've broken my fucking toe now, but I'm not going to stop. I don't think I can stop now and so my head is making contact with the door now and I can feel blood in my eyes but I'm not going to stop now. I can't stop now. I am crying too…and I can feel those tears hot and sticky mixing with the blood and I am still shouting every bad word I can think of.

"You sodding whore dogs!" and the door opens….and I fall back onto my sore arse and they are coming for me.

"Shut up freak or we will make you sleep again."

Four of them and me and I am kicking and I am biting…only this time I bite for real. This time my teeth sink in and someone shouts out in pain and I can taste blood in my mouth and I suck at the wound like a baby at the nipple or its whore mother and I'm not gonna let go of this bastard until they tell me what's going only they won't know that cos I cant' talk when my mouth is full of bastard.

I feel the needle again….and I can feel them pulling me off him but they take me out of the room this time….I have blood all over my face and a bit of bastard in my mouth which I swallow but I can't walk and they are talking but I don't think it's to me…I am taken to a new room and this just has a bed in it and that's all…and a bucket in the corner and they are holding me in front of the bucket and telling me to take a piss while I have the chance.

What are they going to do with me? I don't know….

I want my dad…

I want someone to come and get me.

I want out of this place….but they are throwing me on a bed again and I just lay there like a plop cos they drugged me and I can't move. I'm on my back this time and they strap my arms down and then they strap my feet down and then they walk out and leave me there.

And now I'm scared….and now I don't know what is going to happen, so I try to reach Rosa…she might know where dad is….but there is nothing there. Rosa is gone….and dad is gone and I am on my own now.

But they are tears of anger you know.

I'm just a kid.

And I want my dad.

-o-o-o-

I'm holding him close and I get the feeling he would rather I didn't do this…but I've started now and I am going to finish. He needs to be reminded of what fun it all is.

There is something niggling the back of my mind. And as I kiss and lick and nibble on Spencer's neck and hold his hips tight close to me and move happily and in time to his breaths…I try to tune into what is going on. I thought it was something with Spencer, but this – this beautiful thing going on now I can feel is heeling us both. I can breath better…I can think straighter and Spencer smells divine and I need him all the more. My skin tingles all over with lust and desire and though he is wriggling…I don't think he realises that by doing that he is just sending me into a frenzy that I wont be able to stop for hours now. Damn Spence you are the perfect wriggler.

"Shhh babes…It's alright."

I say to him…

"Just carry on like you are….Perfect little whore boy."

I love to talk dirty to him. I love the way he tries to pull away from me…I love he feel of his hair twisted around my fingers….my left hand even is enjoying this and touching my Spence and giving him pleasures he had forgotten all about. He is making little moaning sounds….I don't know if they are happy sounds or painful ones…but it's all the same to me…either way those little sounds make me happy.

Thinking I might zap him later. That was something everyone should experience once in their lives….not as someone ill…but just for the blast of it.

I wrap my leg around his and I lay still with him. One hand resting on his abdomen - flicking gently at his soft skin and the other is playing with his hair….then it happens…and it happens with such a shock and with such power that I let out a small yelp of surprise and pull Spencer in closer.

Sam.

Something is wrong with Sam.

Crap.

I can't leave Spencer and go back for Sam. I can't leave Sam.

There is only one other option.

I close my eyes and concentrate.

-o-o-o-

I had a supper with Rosie and then we sat and watched a movie.

Now I am sitting alone and wondering what the hell is going on with my life. I need a drink. I need one so badly that I get up and start pacing the room. My mouth still hurts. My face hurts…and there is a nasty buzzing sound of tinnitus in my ear and it hits me like a punch on the nose.

'_Find Sam.'_

Flanders asking me for help? To find Sam? I walk in circles running my fingers through my hair. Surely he is at boarding school….

'_Something's happened…find Sam….he's a kid….help him.'_

A kid maybe but still a Flanders.

I continue to pace the room and think how good that glass of whiskey would be right now when there is a knock on my door. Rosie has forgotten something? I move quickly – Something has happened to Sam? What is he? Ten…and we've lost him again?

I open the door and it's not Rosie its Prentiss. Her eyes are huge and she's smoking some stubby dark cigarette thing.

"Sam." She says…. "We have to find Sam."

* * *


	12. Chapter 12 Committed

Chapter 12

Committed 

_T__here are only two creatures of value on the face of the earth: those with the commitment, and those who require the commitment of others. -__John Adams_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

It's a long journey and most of it is taken on my belly or back dragging Spencer behind me. He moans and groans but he's not talking to me. Every now and then I stop and reach over and just touch him gently on the face or I run my fingers through his hair. I want him to know I am still here. I want him to know that I would never hurt him. I think he knows. I tell him enough.

"You're doing great babes." I tell him this but I get the feeling he's not too happy with me. "I'm gonna make this all better." But all I get back is mumbled nonsense and I'm wondering if he can understand me or if he is going to be like this forever now. The passageway we are in isn't part of the forest anymore. We are reaching the first point. The floor is stone and this is like a long deep tunnel dug into the rocks millennium ago and we are wriggling and squirming our way there too.

I've been here many times….obviously I have but never by this route before. This is new to me…The air is close and damp and water runs from the rocks and down to form little puddles on the ground.

"I know you're getting wet Spence…there's not much I can do to prevent that right now. Soon babes….soon I can sort you out properly. You will love it here Spence. I know you will." And then give him a gentle kiss on the forehead and he flails with his free hand but I just take it in mine and kiss his fingers. "Don't fight me on everything Spence. Just relax babes."

How long has it been? I don't know….I don't do time too well…but it's been a long time and I need a smoke but this isn't the best place for it. Emily is smoking for me; Emily who was going to come looking for me. I sent her on a mission to go and find Sam. He's scared. I can feel it and he is hurting.

Everyone I have attachments to is hurting.

That's because I'm a fuck up….that's why I am what I am and that is why I am here dragging Spence home.

Gradually the passage widens out a bit and the height improves somewhat. I am able to sit up now and crawl around and get a good look at Spencer. I need light though. There is no light here – he won't be able to see in this darkness.

"Babes…" I touch his face with my finger tips. "I need to get something so we can see properly. I won't be long."

"No."

and this time I hear the words. "No? I have to Spence. We need light. There is nothing down here – nothing except us. You are safe. Promise."

"I'll come with you. Don't leave me here."

And I'm not sure if he wants to be with me or just doesn't want to be alone. Better the devil you know I figure. "I need you to stay here and I need you to keep still. Give me five minutes. Count me. Count me Spencer and keep talking to me and I will keep talking to you."

I have my hands on him….one on the side of his face and I am massaging the corner of his mouth with my thumb and the other is resting on his chest but it's not doing too much now and it stinks and I really think maybe my hand is dead, but I can't see well enough to tell.

I can hear his voice. His counting as I move away from him and I chat to him about rubbish but just so he can hear a voice and know I'm not going to leave him. I won't leave him. I've not gone through all this for so many years to abandon him now. I will get him fixed but I need Sam for that. Sam and his clocks. He can fix this good. I just need to encourage Emily and Hotchner to go and find my boy and keep him safe.

On my knees I move forwards with my right hand brushing against the wall looking for what I need. I know it's here somewhere…I know it has to be….that is why the passage is wider….this is a meeting point. At least it was a long time ago. Before. Way back before.

And finally I find it. A small oil lamp hanging from the wall. I consider whether I should remove it or if I should leave it and light it where it is. So I pull out my slim silver lighter which I've had it seems forever and I flick it until I get a small flame and I can look at what I have to light.

There is oil in it. Lots of oil and I tap on the glass with my finger nails. Too much oil. Well not too much…the right amount….it's been refilled recently which means that there might be other things around.

"Spence….you OK?"

"Uh yes."

And that is a relief.

"I'm nearly done babes….keep counting."

But he doesn't answer. I quickly put the flame to the wick and the lamp lights up a surprisingly crappy amount. I could have got more light igniting my farts but it's better than nothing.

"I'm on my way back…We have light."

And I can hear his breaths are short and sharp and so I hurry.

"It's OK Spence, I'm here." And I touch him gently on the shoulder and I hear him take a deep breath of relief. "Can you move? Can you crawl over here? I fiddle with the knots I made on the blanket so he can get his other arm out and watch him roll over onto his stomach and push up to his knees.

"What is this place?" He can see the tool marks on the stone and the old strange carvings left all those times ago by people passing through and my the workmen who originally carved the rocks. He moves a hand up and he runs his finger through a groove on the wall. "These are ancient." And he looks at me with big hazel eyes. "How did you know about this place?"

"It's just one of those things I know…like you know all the back streets in Vegas. These are my backstreets." I reach out for his hand and hold it tightly. "We will get through this." And I try a smile out but it doesn't quite fit right on my face so I give up and guide him up towards where the lamp is.

-o-o-o-

Our first port of call was actually Garcia. She poked through records until she found out where Sam was. Flicking the phone shut I look over at Prentiss who has been pacing up and down my lounge for over and hour smoking one cigarette after another waiting for Garcia to gather all the information we need. I turn and look at her and I don't know how's best to proceed I need to think I need to think and I can't do that with her pacing a hole in my parquet flooring.

"He's killed someone."

She stops and turns to look at me. "Who has?" puff puff puff

"Sam. One of the orderlies at the uh – home he was in."

"Oh my god…he's only a child Hotch…what the hell happened?"

"I don't know…we need to get over there and find out. He's been moved to a psychiatric unit."

"So we are going to the place he is in now? Or information gathering at the last place?"

And I realise I am walking in the groove left by Prentiss. "He killed someone with a shard of glass. Getting him out of there is not going to be easy."

"But we will try. We have to try. Can you imagine what Flanders will do if he comes back and finds him in one of those places….my god Hotch it will be a state place. They are like Victorian mad houses….we can at least get the boy transferred and get him some proper help."

I know what she means…I know what those places are like for adults I've never had to investigate a child case like this. That's not part of my job and I'm not looking forward to what I might find out. "I don't know how easy it will be. He is a ward of State Prentiss….the courts have handed him over. His parents are both dead and Flanders is missing presumed dead….Well very presumed as he was flattened by a truck. Convincing them that his death certificate is false is not going to be easy and we are still not his parents.

She walks into my kitchen and runs the butt of her smoke under a tap then throws it in the bin. "So we are going to give up and leave that child in an institution?"

I grab my coat and look over at her. "I never said that. I just don't know how this is going to play out. At least we might be able to talk to Sam. See what's going on."

And so that was our plan.

We drove out in my SUV with Prentiss sitting fiddling with her fingers next to me. She didn't ask if she could light up. I would have said no, and she knew it. She just sat and fiddled to the extent that I wanted to put my hand out and slap her fingers and tell her to stop it. She was worse than Spencer at the hand twisting fiddling stuff.

The journey took us out of the city and into the middle of nowhere until we found a big old grey square building which looked like it had sprouted from the ground.

We are sitting just looking at the building now. I had no idea – and I should – I should know these things, but I didn't know that places like this existed. Not for children. It made my skin crawl just looking at the place with the tiny windows and the great flat roof.

"How does someone get permission to build such a monstrosity?"

She voiced almost what I was thinking. I shook my head and wondered just how many of America's sick children – because Sam was sick – like his father – how many were locked up in this grey building.

Lights are twinkling at some of the windows and a big security fence surrounds the whole place. The land for about half a mile around the place is flat and barren. Almost like it had sucked the goodness from the earth, though in actuality I knew it was security measures.

"It's like a horror story Hotch." She opened the car door and got out pushing the door closed behind her again. I watched for a minute or so…one of my best agents who looked nothing like the up and coming sophisticated woman who had joined the team….she lit a foul smelling cigarette and stood looking at the place. I was glad it wasn't a full moon. That would have been just a bit too much for her I think.

When she had finished she got back in the car and sat staring at the building again. "I don't think they will let us see him Hotch."

She is being defeatist. "Well we'll never know if we don't try." I start up the car again and we go to the gates. A button to press. "Agent Hotchner FBI we need to talk to who ever is in charge."

I get a grumbled response and the gates are buzzed open for us….strangely easy but we are in never the less

Pulling up in front of the building made it look even bigger and more foreboding. I wondered if Sam had seen where he was being taken. Did he realise what sort of place he was in. Walking to the main entrance was not a long trip and there are ambulances standing in a bay off to the side. The doors are big and dark again and wooden and images from so many old horror movies came to mind. Prentiss is pressing the buzzer as I am standing back and looking up at this place and wondering what goes on in there.

"Agent Prentiss FBI I need to talk to who ever is in charge."

A short wait and I go and stand next to Emily and I think maybe I should have told someone where I was going, but it's too late now as the doors open and we walk up the big old stone steps….five of them…and through the doors which hushed open to reveal a bright interior.

I will give them this much….for as bad as the place looked on the outside, in here it didn't feel as bad. Not the oppressive dark feeling I was expecting. We are met by a man in a white doctor's coat who puts his hand out firstly to Emily and then to me.

"Dr Smith. FBI? How can I help you?" He looks at me and then at Emily and nods…. "You will want to be talking privately obviously. This way." And we follow him across stone flooring. The floor is grey and the walls white. But like all places like this there is a smell about the place. A sick smell of disinfectant and of illness. We are led to a brightly lit room and asked to sit on a big red couch. Dr Smith settles himself behind his desk.

"We are here to talk about Sam Trent-Saviour."

And the compliant look slides off the doctor's face. "Ah. Well really you will need to come back tomorrow then. The specialist in charge of Sam is not on duty right now."

Prentiss leans forward and smiles at him. "But we really would like to see him. I know him – his father is a close friend."

"Is there a problem with that?" I add….but Dr Smith is looking like there is a problem.

"The thing is this…he's not my charge and so I can't give you permission to see him. I'm really sorry." And Prentiss stands up.

"Well I am requesting that you show me where he is. I don't want to communicate with him I just need to know that he is being cared for so I can inform his father that all is well."

I stand with her and cross my arms and nod slightly in agreement. "We just need to see him."

Dr Smith is looking puzzled and his fingers clatter over his computer keyboard. He is looking up at me now. "It says here that Sam is orphaned. His parents are both dead."

I scratch my eyebrow and then push my hair which still needs cutting off my forehead. "They were his adoptive parents. His birth father is requesting information." And I swear I see the colour drain from the man's face.

"His father died. We were in formed that he was killed in an RTA."

"Badly injured yes." I tell him. "But he is still very much alive…so if you can show us Sam?"

And he nods and looks at something else on his computer. "We've been having problems with Sam. I don't now how much you know. He killed someone at the last place he was in, which is why he is here now. You might not like what you see but it is purely so we can keep him medicated and work out what cocktail so to speak to give him to stop these outbursts."

"Just show us where he is." And Emily's voice is sharp and angry.

We are led out of the room with the Dr explaining again that it is night time and he doesn't want us to wake Sam up. He's had a hard day he needs to sleep.

An elevator takes us up to the third floor and the doors whoosh open. I stand and just listen for a while. Emily is looking at me not quite sure what to say. The doctor breaks our silence.

"I'm sorry if the noises are disturbing. Some of the worst cases are on this floor."

The screams and howls travelling down the corridor made me shudder. The thought that this was children was sad and vile and it made me glad that my Jack was never going to end up in an asylum like this. I could visualise all kinds of horrific things going on behind the doors facing onto the corridor in front of us.

"Room six." The doctor now tells us and starts to walk down this passage way which feels like it is taking us straight to hell. We stand outside a door and the small shutter is slid across for us to look into the dim room. Sam is on the bed on his back…his eyes are staring right at me… and they are a perfect mirror of Flanders eyes and I can feel the power behind them. I step back and let Emily took.

"Are the restraints necessary?"

The doctor nods. "Yes I'm afraid they are."

-o-o-o-

I stand at the door and I look at Sam on the bed and he looks back at me and I need to get in there. I need to get him out and to his father. I need to get him out so he can help Spencer and I will. I put my hands on the door and smile at the child who is smiling back at me and it feels creepy but yes…I must…it doesn't matter how…I must get him out of here tonight.

"I need to go in and see him." I turn and tell them.

Hotch is talking to the doctor….whispered voices? Making plans without me? I look back into the room.

"Please. He is awake. I just want to give him some comfort."

And as I turn back I see the doctor fiddling with the keys on his belt and damned me if Hotch isn't conspiring with him again.

"What's going on?" I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck prickle and stand up. Something is going on.

Hotch talks to me. "Prentiss we can't go in. We know he is safe. We can come back tomorrow."

And nothing is making sense ...I thought we were here to get him out. To take him to his dad…to help Spencer and suddenly Hotch is on the side of the doctor and I can feel Sam in my head…and I can feel Floyd in my head and I can see the way the doctor is looking at me.

"Let me in the damned room!" I snap at him and snatch at his keys. They are in my hand but I have no idea which is the right one. "Which key?" I am shouting and I can see the look Hotch is giving me and I know if I don't do something I will end up in a room like this too…and Sam is screaming in my head that they raped him and beat him and Floyd is screaming to get his boy out of that place and Hotch is telling me to step down and take a walk and the doctor is trying to get the keys out of my hand.

"NO! I'm not leaving without Sam." And my voice sounds like a vicious snarl and as Hotch's hand reaches forward to take the keys off me I hit. I don't know where it came from…I'm sure it wasn't me…but my fist made good contact doing an upper cut under his chin. I could see the doctor backing off and now I am shouting and swearing words I don't even understand and I don't think this is me doing this. Sam is screaming in my head for me to help him…to get him out and as Hotch comes round to defend against me I am using my kickboxing and kicking him in the solar plexus and he is grunting and trying to defend and get away but now my hands are in his hair and I'm pushing him back against the wall. His elbow smacks me in the side of the face and I let go and step back…he is saying something to me…to someone but I can't hear over the screaming in my head. I have to make it stop…I have to make it go away…and I howl with rage and I'm on Hotch again spitting blood and going for his face with my finger nails and his groin with my knee, but he is twisting and pushing me back and hitting out….but arm stops his fist and his arm stops mine, but a short sharp kick to this manhood and he is down and making keening noises on the floor so I kick him and shout at him that he should have helped. Why does he always let me down…Why does he do this…and my words are stupid and I don't understand why I am saying them but I feel ribs crack under my boots and I feel his hands grab hold of my pants legs so I stamp down on his hands and he yelps then a kick to his face and he shuts up….

…..and I thought it would stop this noise in my head but it hasn't….and the doctor is just standing there looking stupid so I shout at him. "Which key!" and he tells me so I unlock the door and drag the doctor in with me.

Sam has been crying.

I can see tear tracks down his face. "How the hell can you do this to a child?" I stroke the boy's hair off his face. "Un-strap him now." But the doctor hesitates so I ask if he wants to join the other agent and he shakes his head and quickly undoes Sam's. Straps.

He slides off the bed and walks over to me. "Thank you Emily." I touch the top of his head.

"Be a good boy and go and get the keys off the Agent outside. I wont be long.

I strapped the doctor the to soggy mattress Sam had been laying on then and now I am ready to go.

"Sam! Don't love…don't do that." And Sam quickly moves back away from Hotch who now has some nasty bites on the side of his neck.

"I wanted to taste him. Dad said he tasted good. He says you're a sweet fuck too."

And I looked at Hotch and at the little boy in front of me who was just a scaled down Floyd and wondered now that the screaming had stopped what the hell I had done.

* * *


	13. Chapter 13 Unlucky For Some

Chapter 13

Unlucky For Some

_Tin het once said: - Bloody ffnet!_

**A/N: SLIGHT SLASH WARNING. DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER IF YOU MIGHT FIND IT OFFENSIVE.**

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine

* * *

I'm confused. I don't know what is going on.

I know I am here for a reason but I can't remember what it is anymore.

The light is dim and flickery and it looks like I'm in some ancient tunnel cut out of the rocks…This isn't natural…I can see the tool marks and scrapings from all the work that went into creating this…but where we are exactly I have no idea.

Floyd is smoking. Leaning against the wall and smoking and picking at his hand. His breathing is ragged and sounds painful.

"What happened?" I am thirsty and my voice is not sounding like my own.

He is looking up at me now and frowning. "What happened when babes? A lot has happened….where do you want me to start?"

So I crawl slowly towards him and kneel down in front of him, but my head is spinning so my hands rest on his kneels where he has his legs crossed. "What happened to you?"

But he shakes his head and smirks around his smoke. "What a drag?" He takes it from between his lips and passes it over to me. "It will help the pain."

"I don't smoke." And I shake my head so he puts it back between his lips and takes in a deep draw from it. "What happened to you Floyd?"

But he shakes his head again. "Nothing babes…nothing. It's you I'm worried about, but I'm taking you somewhere good. I think you'll like it."

"You know where we are?" And I dig my fingertips slightly into his knees. I love the feel of him under my hands….Sometimes I forget how much I love the feel of Floyd. I'm sure earlier on …things felt different. I wasn't as sure. I didn't want the closeness he was offering…but now I feel I could meld with him…and bond…and never let go….but I can see…there in his eyes, there is pain.

He nods slightly at me and I can see how his eyes are wet. I've never seen him cry before…he's not crying but he just looks different…and wrong…and…I suppose weak. He hasn't got that invulnerable feel about him.

"I wish you would tell me what happened. I want to help you." And I move hand from his knee and touch his face. "What's wrong? Why are we here?"

He takes my hand in his and squeezes it tightly. "I came off the bike. I'll be fine." And he blinks at me and tries to smile but there is that pain again and the strange breathing. "I just need time to rest. Getting us here has taken it out of me."

I know he needs to curl up and hibernate and want to tell him to. I want to be able to tell him to curl up and heal and that I will be alright…but I'm not sure that I can. But he looks ill and that bothers me. "Floyd, I'm fine you know. Lay down and close your eyes. I'll just sit here and wait for you." And he is looking at me and squeezing my hand and I know he is thinking about it about how good it will feel to lay down and go to the dark place he goes to when he does that and then feel so much better after, but he is shaking his head.

"I can't leave you here Spence." And he takes another drag on his smoke and I can hear his breaths are bubbling and wrong.

"Then lay down with me." And I kneel up and put my hands on his shoulders and guide him so that he is laying down and he curls up and his eyes are closed and his arms are wrapped around him and this is so wrong. I am worried, really worried that Floyd is dying, but I don't think he can….I don't know…I don't know what to think….I've never seen him like this….not for so long. Not so incapacitated for such an extended period of time. He is facing me and his head is tucked down so I stroke the top of his head and rather clumsily I climb over him so I am facing his back and I put my arms around him and breathe onto the back of his dirty sticky neck. My tongue runs over his skin and he tastes salty and sweaty but it's so good and I can feel him move tighter against me as one of my hands plays with his belt buckle and the other is finger combing his hair and I kiss his neck and bite gently…very gently down into that dirty skin….and I can taste old blood which has dried on him and become ground into his flesh so as I suck at his skin and move my hand over his flesh it feels so good…and I wonder if it feels this good for Floyd. I can't imagine it can…I can't see that my body can feel this good, but his is perfect.

I want to put a hand on his chest but when I try to he takes it away again and moves it back down again to where it was before and he is pushing back hard against me now and this role reversal is strange and somewhat wonderful. It feels like I am helping him, when really I am helping myself, but for once I am going to be selfish and take what I need and right now I need this. I pull at the front of my hospital clothing and slide Floyd's vile stiff sticky jeans down so I can feel his skin against mine. I push the back of his shirt up and I kiss his back and one hand is still working him and the other is digging fingernails into his shoulders as I lick and nibble and slide my tongue over him.

He is mine.

This beautiful man is mine. He chose me a long time ago and has wandered and has played around….I know that but as I take him….as I push forwards and he pushes back and his head tips back and I move my mouth and feel his pulse under my lips and he pushes his face against mine….as this happens…I know this is all I will ever need.

Whatever happened in the past….whoever was there and whoever wasn't right now doesn't matter to me….I move my hand in that special way he showed me and at the same time I move and adjust myself and he howls in pleasure and his enjoyment and the tightening inside him brings us together at the same time and he is shaking in my arms as I just lay there still and hold him and kiss the back of his neck and draw circles around his navel. I can feel his stomach muscles tightening and loosening as his breathing slowly relaxes and finally he is just laying there breathing deeply…and this time without the sounds of bubbling and is muscles relax and he says….

"Thank you babes."

Then slips into the dark healing place he needs to go to.

-o-o-o-

Bloody hell …..

I bit him and she's having a freaking go at me.

But I got his keys and snagged his cell. He smells good.

"We have to leave now."

She is holding me by the hand and dragging me down the corridor.

"Where're we going?" I am resisting this dragging cos I don't fancy being kidnapped yet again.

"To find your dad."

And the words are sorta comforting but confusing. "They said he was dead."

"Yes…he was. He got better."

And that crazy statement made sense to me. Dad can do anything.

I'm trying to keep up with her but my legs hurt and my arse hurts and my hand hurts where she is holding it too tight and my clothes stink and are wet and so I dig my heels in and stop.

"Slower." I mutter it…I don't like admitting it hurts…I don't really want her to know exactly what went on…but she stops and lets go of my hand and she is turning to face me.

"Oh Sam – love I'm sorry." And before I know what's happening she's fucking picked me up and her arms are wrapped around me and now my piss is going to be all over her too and this is so bloody far from amusing I want to scream at her to put me down….cos her arms are digging into the back of my legs and the things on my back but she said she will take me to my dad. I'm going to have to try to trust her.

I look over her shoulder and the other fed is moving and moaning but we are in the elevator now and the doors are shut and she is stabbing at the button.

"You can put me down now." I say it right into her ear and I feel her muscles jump – but it works and she puts me down again. "So where is he then? Why isn't he here?"

She starts rubbing her fingers through her hair and is looking down at me. "That's the thing Sam…I don't know where he is…I need him to guide me and I think I need you to help me. I have Rossi to help too. He's a good guy. He's on our side."

I look up and nod at her but I don't know how I'm going to help….I feel like shit…I just want a soak in a tub and some thing nice to eat…like some chocolate or some gummy bears or something really bad for me…

I am feeling sorry for myself!

The elevator stops again and I am whipped up off my feet before I can blink….It doesn't seem to bother her that she's getting as smelly as I am.

I've still got hold of the keys and I jangle them for her so she can take them from be….and hell's fire can that woman run….she's across that reception area and out of the door quicker that you could say 'whore on a bonfire.' And we are out and racing towards a car.

The doors are pinging and she is still running and opening the door and throwing me in all in one swift movement.

And we are off.

-o-o-o-

Ah shit…

You know I needed that…He knew exactly what I needed and I didn't ask. He is learning. It's taken a long time but he's almost done….I just don't like this place.

I like being able to see the forest and hear the river…this place…this dark place…isn't what I wanted. I can feel him holding me still….like spectral hands holding me tight and giving me part of himself and I doubt he realises how important what he just did was. I want to turn over and hold him and feel him and touch him with my mouth but I can't…I am stuck here for now just breathing and thinking and needing Spencer more then he will ever know.

His arms are there. I can feel them if I keep my eyes closed but if I open them I realise I am here….laying alone in the dark waiting. And I don't know how long I will have to wait or if anyone will come or if they will just leave me this time. I don't know.

I don't know how long I lay here for….how long does it take to make a sweaty patch on a floor? I have no idea….but I feel I can move….they feeling of Spencer's arms around me has gone and that alarms me, but I don't feel anything bad has happened to him…I can still smell him…that such sweet tender smell and I makes my mouth water and one day I will eat part of him…I know I will I know I wont be able to stop myself Anthony is proof of that.

I lick my lips and sit up. My shirt is stuck to my chest so carefully I unbutton it and pull it off my skin. I made a mess…I made such a freaking mess of it that it's un-fucking-believable. It's not so bad now…the ribs are fixed and the skin is healing over…and my lungs seem to be working as they should…I lay back down again on my back and pull my knees up close and stare upwards into nothingness….

One day this will be it…this will be all I have. Total nothing….a complete void for eternity…and though it doesn't thrill me…it could be worse. It still can be worse…and I think I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do to Sam when he finds out what I did….

But I did it for Spencer.

So I fold my arms over my chest and close my eyes….I think I can go back now….I think I want to see him again…and we need to keep moving.

Things aren't always as straight forward as you might want them to be and though I feel the transition…I also fee that something isn't right. And I can hear a worried voice. I know I am back because I can hear Spencer, but it's still dark and though I know my lungs are better they are not inflating and deflating…and my hand wanders up and touches my chest and I can feel nothing.

"Shit….Spencer…I'm dead again…get that thing….."

but I don't think I actually say the damned words cos my mouth isn't moving. The words are just in my head…try to roll over and reach out but I can't do that either I am just laying here like a frigging dead thing…which probably I am….but you get me? Last time I could move…I could at least crawl but this time I can't do anything…I can open my eyes….but there is nothing to see.

-o-o-o-

He seemed fine for the longest of times and I sat and I waited for him…he groaned and moved around and eventually I let go of him and sat back and watched.

Then it happened….His eyes opened…and he went into a strange spasm and his eyes opened and then his hand went to his chest then nothing.

"Floyd?" I am trying to listen to his breaths but I can't hear anything and I have such fear inside myself that I can hardly think…put my head to his chest and there is nothing…no sound…a horrible deathly silence and I have to give him CPR even though I know it probably wont work…and the statistics are screaming in my head but I shout back at them to go away…this isn't the time to freak me out…I cant be here alone with a dead Floyd…I can't…that just cant happen….

"Floyd…please do something…"

And I sit astride him and push down on his chest but I know how painful his chest is and how damaged it is. I can see it is covered in bruises and scars and blood and I'm too scared to push down….what if I break those newly healed bones….I will kill him…

But he is already dead. I lay down on him and kiss his still mouth and beg him to start breathing for me. "Please Floyd…." We are told in CPR not to bother with mouth to mouth now….but I don't know what else to do…I can't just leave him…and so I am breathing my air into his body and hoping something will happen….some movement…anything….

And I am still sitting across his hips and I hear it…a sudden gulp of air…and a hitching noise and his eyes move in the dim light and he is looking at me.

"Thanks again."

And his lovely smirk…and he pulls me to him and the kiss is so deep and so perfect that it is truly a pure orgasmic experience. His hands are all over me and my mouth is all over him as I move down and lick and suck at his tummy…

"Babes…wait."

I stop and look up at him…

"What's wrong?" I don't think he's ever asked me to stop before.

"In the blanket…there is a bag and some water…get them both for me will you."

And he is still laying on the floor and his face is the whitest I have ever seen it. I quickly move to the blanket and grab the things he needs…."Floyd why do you need these?" I am holding the paddles in my hand.

"Just zap me with them will you babes…I think my heart stopped again."

"It will kill you!" I am kneeling next to him looking at the bruises and realising that he's had this done before. "Floyd…"

"Just do it will you…then we can have fun…but my blood is sort of just laying there in my system…and it will start hurting like fuck soon…so please babes.."

It is incredibly horrible watching the man you need buck and cry out as you pass all that power through his body. I don't want to watch…I don't want to be doing this to him and hurting him like this…however much in the past he has hurt me…I don't want to be doing this….

"Again….turn it up a bit." His words are mumbled and quiet and I am suddenly scared I am going to lose him again…so I do as he asks and crank up the setting and place the paddles on his chest.

And it brings tears to my eyes because I can see the pain he is in and there is nothing I can do to help him….he had bitten his tongue or something and blood is trickling from the corner of his lips and why is everything turning to such crap…and who the hell were the people who took me and Hotch in the first place….

"Floyd…" and I touch his face and wipe the tears which have escaped from the corners of his eyes.

"It huts." And he is talking through gritted teeth. I can see the way he his grinding his teeth and he blinks up at me and does a hard tight smile. "Thanks babes. You're a star."

I put the paddles down and reach over and put my hand on his chest. I can feel the regular thump thump of his heart and the joy of that feeling is sort of strange. I never thought feeling Floyd's heart beating would bring me so much joy.

"I need to say thank you."

He is rolling over onto his front and getting to his knees. He is kneeling in front of me now and we are both nasty sweaty dirty messes….but that doesn't seem to matter right now. With his hands on my shoulders he leans in and does that friendly peck on the lips…the kiss which never used to mean anything…but now means everything. I pull back from him and nod…and smile. My finger runs across his face and wipes away the blood dripping down towards his chin. "You need a shave." And I stand up and lean against the wall next to the little oil lamp which is burning low now.

Floyd stays on his knees and moves in closer and I rest one hand on the top of his head and the other I put my palm to the wall. I take in a deep breath as he licks across my abdomen and bites into my hip bones. One of his hands is snaking behind me and holding tight and digging in nails and it feels good…the other is pressing against my left hip and as he takes me into his mouth and is fingers tighten and he does those things with his tongue he does I think probably the world explodes.

I see flashing lights and my knees buckle and my hand holds tightly onto Floyd as he pushes me back against the wall and holds me up and in place.

My howlings are probably heard right back out of the tunnel we had travelled in…and back out into the forest. And I don't think someone who has bitten down on his tongue so hard it bleeds can possibly be doing this to me.

How he does it I don't now…

I will never know…

But every time is so much better than the time before that I know one day it will kill me; Just the pure unadulterated pleasure.

This is how I want to die.

* * *


	14. Chapter 14 Through The Door

Chapter 14

Through The Door

_Any man who knows all the answers most likely misunderstood the __questions__._

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

I curl up on the floor and lay there bathed in the sweat that Floyd just brought on….and my mind is empty. A good feeling. No fears, and no questions and no statistics…I am free. I can feel his hand touching my arm and I can hear words but they're not making complete sense to me right now….my brain is still buzzing…my nerve endings are still singing and shouting and I don't want to think of anything…not even what Floyd has to say to me….I want to be left in this little bit of heaven for a while longer.

"Babes."

This time the words filter through and his words are processed and I open my eyes to look at him. "Uh" is all I can say right now though. Anything else is gone – though I'm sure that once I had intelligent language.

"Babes we need to move on."

Move on? It hadn't crossed my foggy brain that this wasn't it. That we hadn't arrived…had he told me we had further to go? I can't remember now and it's not really important…I can feel him helping me to my feet, but the head room is low….there are not many places I can stand properly.

"There is a door…we need to carry on through it. Can you walk?"

And I blink at him and smile. "I don't know." An honest answer.

But he takes me by putting an arm around my waist and I put an arm around his shoulder and the together we walk onwards.

I need to be careful. I keep scraping the top of my head on the rocks…whoever made this place was under six foot tall. Floyd doesn't seem to be having a problem with it, but it doesn't take long and before us is a huge ancient iron studded door.

"Speak friend and enter." I mutter to myself.

"Uh hu….the mines of Moria."

And for a while we just stand and smile.

It really doesn't look as though the door has been opened in a very long time…the wood is horribly warped and the metal rusted and flaking. I wonder really if there is a chance of getting this thing open and what on earth we will find on the other side…and my fears of the dark start to return.

"I don't think this is such a fantastic idea. We should go back."

Floyd nods…."It's ok Spence…I'm with you…you'll be fine."

"But it looks like it's going to be dark." Ah my cowardly side is just exploding outwards today. "Can we get the lamp?"

He has let go of me now though and is touching the old door and there is something horribly familiar about it….like from a dream but I can't place it. "There will be more lamps the other side." He sounds sure of himself.

"How do you know?"

"I just do." And I watch his hand move out and grab the huge rusted handle and pull the door towards him. It is silent. I moves like someone has muted the sound…there is rush of air and the smell of deep dark dampness, but no sound. A dim light seeps through and as Floyd takes my hand and moves forward a dreadful feeling of foreboding hits me.

"How did you know there would be light?" I'm not going in there until I have some of my new questions answered.

"They are expecting us."

"Who is?"

He shrugs…"Well the same person who filled the oil lamp I would think. Don't worry…I told you not to worry. It might not look like it but I know what I'm doing."

I swallow hard and the want to grab hold of Floyd for safety is over ridden by the thoughts that once again he is lying to me. He has no more idea of what is going on than I do…and I don't like being dragged into what suddenly feels like some real life adventure from a TV movie Journey To The Centre Of The Earth. Floyd is holding a bottle of water and the paddles and I just stand there not wanting to look through that damned door let alone walk through it.

Floyd steps forwards and walks one pace through the doorway. "A passageway is all it is Spencer. Water on the floor and lanterns on the walls. The ceiling is higher too. Come on." And he puts his hand out to me but I don't want to take it. There is something so wrong about all of this and I know he is leading me somewhere I shouldn't be going and so I just stand and I am shaking my head.

"No." I say… "I'm going back." And I turn to go back the way we had come but a hand grabs the back of my pyjama bottoms.

"Get the fuck through the bloody door and stop behaving like a brat. I brought you all this way for a reason….now do it." And he is pulling me back.

I'm not sure quite what made me do it…but it was pretty stupid but there it is…my fist is flying and I have caught Floyd on the side of the head. He doesn't move. It has no effect on him at all he just slowly turns and looks at me.

"Did I just not give you the greatest pleasure you have ever had?"

but I am still trying to back away. I can see that fury on his face. That way he is looking at me.

"Answer me!"

My hand is trying to get his fingers off my scant amount of clothing.

"Yes." And I am still pulling back….he lets go of me then quickly regrabs at my hair.

"Then you fucking owe me. Get through the sodding door you sonofabitch."

There's not much I can do. I am pulled – swung – and thrown through the open doorway down a few stone steps which I feel scraping across my back and down into the murky water. I tried to grasp something…to snag hold of the door frame or even Floyd but there was nothing…and now I am laying here with my face under the water and Floyd is jumping down next to me shouting at me.

"I can't do enough for you can I Spencer…you just take then throw it back in my face. I've fucking had it with you!"

I am trying to roll over and get up and get my face out of the water but he has his foot pressed down on my chest. My hands grab his foot and I try to pull it away. I would say sorry…I would, but my lungs are going to explode because I can't breathe. I can see him looking down at me and the view is distorted through the dirty water but I can still see his face and he looks confused.

-o-o-o-

I'm not sure what happened.

I don't know why I am so murderously angry with him….but I am going to kill the bastard. I am going to keep my foot on him and watch him drown and there isn't too much I can do about it right now. I am looking down at his eyes and he is staring back at me…and whatever it was he did I know he is sorry but it doesn't seem to be making a big difference at the moment.

He is holding my leg. And it makes me want to scream out. I don't want him touching me. The feel of his hands on me makes me tingle and makes my hair stand on end and makes me want him so bad that my eyes water, so I really would like him to take his hands off me….and those eyes. Looking at me. Accusing me ….of what? I don't know why I'm doing this – but I love to see that fear and hurt and pain on his face…

The hands have gone…he has let go of me and this makes my job easier…So I press down harder onto him and I hear cracking sounds and I look carefully and see his mouth open and the glorious bubbles rise from his mouth and nose. For a very sort while he kicks out but it doesn't last long….The bubbles don't last long…and I can feel with my foot that the rise and fall isn't going to happen. He isn't going to breathe.

And he is just laying there under the water staring up at me….and I don't know why.

-o-o-o-

I remember something on me and biting me. Then everything turned into a confused blur.

I'm sure I was here with Prentiss but I have no idea where she has gone now….and as I start to crawl along the corridor and find something to pull myself up onto I hear claxons and alarms going off. Different sounds for separate reasons I figure.

A door handle. I reach my hand up and pull myself to stand, but the door starts to swing open.

The smell hits me like a tidal wave. Urine and vomit and blood. I look up and see someone tied by restraints to the bed. He is shouting something at me, but all I can hear is the sound of my heard thumping and my blood rushing through my body.

I stagger forwards…and my face hurts. I am trying to remember what happened but all I can see if Prentiss and I know that this wasn't her. This couldn't. – wouldn't have been her. I am bleeding too. Something bit me. A dog? No a child.

Sam.

Sam bit me. Prentiss attacked me…and now I can hear the words.

"Untie me! Find that child! He can't be allowed to get away." It's the doctor we first came up with and I am trying to stay in control of this messy situation and so I wipe the blood off my face and start to unstrap the doctor.

"Step away."

A new voice…and I turn just as the taser hits me in the chest.

I don't shout out. I don't scream. I just fall silently to my knees and move my hand to where my gun should be but isn't. Where the hell is my gun? Was I not carrying?

"Hands where I can see them!"

That same voice.

"FBI." I return. "Let me show you my ID. It's in my wallet."

I can see stars before my eyes and my thoughts are slowing down as I watch them walk towards me.

"Hands behind your head." I am told…and the role reversal isn't something I like. I can see someone is releasing the doctor and they are having quiet and quick sharp words at each other. Hands pat me down and take my wallet. I wonder about my cell phone but they don't take anything else from me except my small mirror and a pack of gum and a couple of tissues. They have removed and rewound the taser but they are standing pointing the thing at me and I don't fancy being hit by that again. I was lucky that time…they must have had it on a low setting.

I do as they ask and place my hands behind my head.

"Shit…he's a Fed." A tall fair haired guy says as he throws my ID to the corner of the room. "Get to your feet." There are a lot of people here and a couple of tasers on view but no hand guns that I can see.

"There seems to be a mistake." And my words are met by a fist which I manage to block.

"The mistake was made when you allowed someone to take that child from us."

I nod…I need to be understanding and on their side on this. "I didn't come here to take Sam from you. I came here because his father asked me to check up on him, and that is all I intended on doing. I don't know why my agent did what she did and I don't now exactly where she has taken Sam but I can find out if you let me contact my team."

"Shut up."

I look at the person who spoke to me. This is good. A sort of communication. "Let me get to a phone and I will make some calls and find out where Sam is. We have ways of tracking. I think he took my phone and they probably left in my car. I can get them traced."

"His father is dead." Another voice.

"You have been misinformed…his father is very much alive and if you thought Sam was a handful you don't want to meet his father."

"Your opinion isn't important. Shut up. We know your sort…trained to negotiate…talk your way out of shit….but it's not going to happen this time. Get on the bed."

I rub at my nose and look at them. "You really don't understand this situation."

And the face is right up next to mine and someone is behind me pulling off my jacket and throwing it over with my badge. "You Hotchner are the one who doesn't understand the situation. Because of you Sam Trent-Saviour is on the loose again. This means that you have removed our toy. Get on the damned bed before I make you wish you were dead. Now."

The bed stinks…I can smell it from here…I can see it is wet and urine and vomit stained and this is where they kept a child. I have no doubt that they will have no qualms about keeping me there either.

Before I get the chance to think two people are grabbing me by my arms and pushing me forward. "People will come looking for me." I inform them.

"No they won't. You have already said that your car isn't here…your cell isn't here. How will they know you are here Hotchner? I get the feeling that your little excursion out to visit poor little Sam was off the books." And it is at this point that the iron bar is used on the back of my head.

How long I have been laying here for I don't know. My arms and ankles are restrained and I have been stripped down to my boxers. I don't remember any of it happening but can feel the vile cold wetness of the mattress seeping through to my bones. I am shivering with the cold…there is a small dim light and there is no window. I'm not sure if this is the same room Sam was in or not. I look around but it is too dark to see any distinguishing features. I pull at the restraints but these people are no amateurs…they have been restraining people for a long time. And they seem to do a good job of it. I am thirsty and my lips are cracked and dried.

My only real option is to let them know I am awake…and I do this by calling out to them.

The smell of this room is making my eyes water….but I still manage a good croaky shout. "What do you want with me?" I call out…and then leave it for a while. I don't want them coming in here angry. I want to keep the peace however stupid that might seem considering this situation.

I need to hope that Prentiss is going to tell someone where I am. Surely she wouldn't just leave me to these people? But then I didn't think she'd ever do what she did, and I wonder how much of it was her and how much was the Flanders duo. I know how they can manipulate. I know. So I just need to hope that she pulls back to being herself and lets someone know I am here. Then again she has no idea that what these people are doing. She probably thinks I'm home again by now……………………….

The door opens.

"Good you're awake. We have some questions for you."

This bed isn't against the wall…they can stand around it and they do and they are looking down at me.

"Where is Sam?"

"That was what I was trying to explain to you. I can find him. You need to let me go."

"Why did you come for Sam?"

"His father asked me to check on him."

This answer got me a hard punch just below my right eye. I had no way to defend against it….all I am able to do is move my head to the side but that's not much help when someone is climbing on this wet bed with me and sitting astride. I can see the man's rings glistening in the light. That will hurt. I need to give them the answers they want without actually giving them answers. I watch as he lights up a cigarette and I cough as he blows smoke into my face.

"Hotchner." The person sitting on me speaks. "You are a good looking man. You have a sweet face. I am sure you have a lovely smile. Don't make me spoil that for you." I watch him blow on the end of the cigarette and he waves it in my face. "Don't make me take your eyes out." And he pulls it back away from me and puffs on it for a while. "Sam was important. He was special. I'm sure you know that…and the reports that his father who was flattened by a truck is up and walking about – well that is interesting too. I need to know where Sam is. And I need to know where his father is. Or you will be my new test subject and I really don't think you can survive what we had been giving Sam. He's one tough son of a bitch you know."

"I told you. I can trace him. I have to contact my team."

"Ah yes your team. Now let me think about that one. Agent Derek Morgan – please….you think he has the brains to work out where you are….he might know all about his chosen subject but beyond that he is an ignorant bully….David Rossi….well he might just figure out that something is wrong, but will he connect it to Emily Prentiss who has gone missing….or has she? Maybe the two of you are together? So they will be searching for your SUV…and your cell. She's a smart one that Emily…and if she has Sam on her side I don't think there is a team member who is going to be able to stop what is going on….oh….silly me… Forgot about the pretty boy…dear Dr Reid." And he snorts with laughter and it makes me feel sick.

"So where are Sam and his darling dad?"

"I don't know."

And now I permit myself the luxury of screaming as the cigarette pushes down into the skin on my throat.

"Where are they?"

But now I won't give them an answer and I just have to hope that Prentiss has the foresight to tell someone where I am…I feel the fist hit my face and I feel the skin on my cheek split as the metal of the rings cuts into me. I feel a grinding punch to my mouth and my teeth rip into the inside of my lips splitting it open and causing a sudden rush of blood which I try to spit out as I turn my head to stop the assault on my face but there is not much I can do to stop it. Someone has their fingers holding my damp hair and is twisting it until I can feel it coming out at the root and as I turn my head the other way to relieve it I am caught again this time on the side of my nose and though I don't hear it crack it does bleed forcefully…and I am suddenly reminded of Floyd's nose bleeds….

Where the hell are you Prentiss?

And my head is wrenched back until I hear something crack in my neck and the cigarette is pushed into the soft tender skin under my chin.

"Where are they!"

And still I stay silent.

And they move away. "Think about it Hotchner. Think about your answers. We will be back."

As suddenly as it started it was over. The room was plunged into total darkness and all I can hear now is the scuttling of creatures which I really am hoping won't be interested in me.

-o-o-o-

I'm not sure what happened.

"Spence?"

he is just laying there. Not doing anything.

"Spence!"

I reach down and grab his shoulder and pull him from the water. And I am confused. What happened?

There are no breaths and there is no pulse….I can feel it is still. There is no movement beneath his skin.

"Spencer!" And I shake him and look at his face but it is empty.

"Shit…babes did I do this?"

I can't remember….I can't remember what happened. What's going on?

I hold onto his upper arm with my right hand…my left isn't much good for anything right now….and I start to drag him through the water. I need to get him out of this damned water. I need to find a side room and sort this sodding mess out.

* * *


	15. Chapter 15 Old Friends

Chapter 15

Old Friends

_Floyd Flanders has never said:- sorry babes._

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine

* * *

The room is almost circular. There is no door…just an opening and it's through here and up the steps I drag Spencer. I don't know how long it's been….He obviously is soaked through and I'm wet to my waist.

I drag him up the few stone steps and across the trench which runs around the room to the middle which is raised a bit higher. I lay Spence on his side and stand looking at him for a while. I still can't remember why I did it.

You would think this place would be cold…but really it's quite warm….and my jeans are already steaming dry on me. I peel them off and chuck them in the trench and strip off my shirt which is mank and bloodied…and put that to one side too….Now I can work on Spence.

Though as I already said it's warm down here…he feels cold. I run my hands over him and there is nothing…

"Shit." Running my fingers through my hair doesn't seem to do much…not for either of us. I need Sam…where the hell is he? Why isn't he here yet? I don't have the strength to do this…I need to get help.

"Babes. I'm sorry. I have to leave you for a while. I'm going to get help." And I do nothing more than get to my feet and stand looking at him. Looking at his pale skin and his blue lips and the way his eyes are looking at nothing and it twists things inside of me and I know I can't leave him…not here…not in this place.

I slide back down onto the floor and drag Spencer's pyjama bottoms off. I need to dry them for him. I can't leave him wet and rotting. So I do that and throw them to the side and curl up behind him on the floor.

How long ago was it he was helping me? Giving me part of himself. I don't know why seeing that look on his face drives me to this. Idon't know what it is about his struggles as he dies that does something for me. I'm not sure if it's the look of fear or the look of betrayal…or the complete sadness I see. I don't know what it is. Or is it because I know I will be able to comfort him afterwards and make it better again? I kiss the back of his cold neck and this is ecstasy and I can feel that thing that monster rising again inside me and I would and I could I could bite into that tender flesh now and pull him apart and devour him. But I need him. I need him more that that even…I roll him over onto his back and lay my head on his still chest and move my hands over his cold damp body and I can feel my hands resting over his heart and I know what my body wants and I can feel my fingernails digging in and I'm drooling and my nose is suddenly bleeding and I can feel spasms travelling through my body as it screams out its demands.

"I won't do it." But I whisper it…just in case someone is listening. You never know.

My tongue is on him and my teeth are biting at his tender cold flesh and I move down his body…and I know I should be helping him…but I just need this so much…I need this coldness and this stillness it's something I have missed. Something I've not enjoyed properly for a long time. I suck on his fingers and chew gently on his inner wrists and I know….I know I shouldn't be doing this…I know this is such a risk but I can smell his blood beneath the surface. I can smell it there and I want it.

I bite too hard…and I can feel the scrunch of something giving under my teeth and I can taste cold blood and quickly I back off. Quickly I have to move away from him because the temptation is just too much…Everything combined; all these things coming together and I cant stop my self. I can't help him because now it has gone too far and there is nothing I can do to stop myself from just ripping him apart and eating what I need.

I crawl back to him and roll him off his back and onto his front. And that is slightly better…not being able to see his chest is better, but now there are other temptations and I touch him gently…his cold white skin and this could help him. This might help…it has done in the past.

So I straddle across him and kiss his back and run my hands along his arms and twist my fingers around his and I hope Sam hurry's up but at the same time I hope he takes his time.

"Give me half an hour."

I whisper onto Spencer's cold damp skin.

-o-o-o-

"What the hell?"

but he is dragging me forward… "Sam please where are we going?"

The boy has utilised some stuff from the back of the SUV and is wearing a belt cloth thing now. He is a strange muscled child who reminds me of a cross between Flanders and Mowgli and I really don't know why I am trusting him as he pulls at the bushes and dives head first down what looks to be a hole in the ground.

"Wait!"

and it's gone from Jungle Book to Alice in Wonderland in a blink.

"Sam…what on earth …where are you going?"

and I get a muffled deep down reply. "To find my dad."

I follow and I crawl and wriggle and I really have no idea what the hell is going on anymore…I am following some wild child down through a dark damp tunnel and I don't know if I am going to come out the other end…and I don't know where the other end even is.

But I keep going because somewhere in my head is that pull…and the pull is now going via Sam…I have to stay with him…protect him…follow his damned little ass into the bowels of the damned earth if I have to…if Floyd is at the other end of it…and Spencer. Spencer will be there too. For some reason that makes me cross. For some unreasonable reason I don't like it that Floyd brought Spencer here…wherever 'here' is.

I have scrapes on my knees and sweat running down my face and I know no one will ever find us down here. If I get stuck…what if I cant turn around? I can feel that my breaths have started to become quick and shallow and so I stop. This is the very last place I want to have a panic attack in. The ground now is rock…we have travelled down a long way and I feel I am going to suffocate in this tiny place and no one will ever find my body….

Missing presumed eaten.

Oh gods I have to get out of here….

"Emily?" and a small hand is touching me. "We are nearly there…about hundred foot or so and it widens out." I can feel him stroking my hair. "Come on…not much further." I can't see now…The little torch I had been carrying lost its charge a long time ago. All I have now is the voice of a small ten year old who has been raped and beaten and I don't know what else and he is the bravest damned person I've ever met. So I take a deep breath and follow the sounds he is making as he scrabbles along the tunnel.

There it is suddenly in front of me a strange murky light….as though it is being filtered through fog or yellowish mist of some kind. This gives me the encouragement to move a bit quicker and the grazes on my knees and now the palms of my hands have stopped bothering me in the rush to get out of this vile place. I can see Sam is standing up and I can see the marks and cuts all over the back of the child's legs and I wonder what sort of monsters would do that to a child and then I remember that I left Hotch there.

He will be alright.

He's an adult….he can look after himself.

I can see a small oil lamp on the wall but it is guttering and almost burnt down now. "Who lit that?" I say it to myself …to the funny creeping shadows…and Sam answers. "Dad." But he doesn't carry on now…he settles on the floor and sits with his legs crossed and reaches into the shadows and drags out a blanket. "See they've been here."

But there is no urgency in his voice now. That panicked rush he was in earlier has gone.

"Why are we waiting? The lamp will be burnt away soon."

And he nods at me… "We need to wait. Trust me. We need to wait."

I scuttle forward and sit down facing the boy so I can see his face in the odd light and it is frightening how much he looks like his father right now…though I've never seen his father dressed quite like this – that doesn't mean I cant imagine it and wouldn't want to. I smile over at Sam and lean back on the wall.

"You have a dirty mind Emily Prentiss."

I look open eyed at the child. Had he been able to read my mind? Did he hear what I was thinking. But he is just sitting grinning at me. A trick…A trick the gypsy fortune tellers play. And it's a good one. It got me for a second there.

Sam grins a big toothy grin at me… "You would pass my palm with gold Emily? You surprise me. You don't look the type to fall for such trickery."

And suddenly the shadows are deeper and darker and the lamp flutters and wavers and Sam's big smile doesn't look so friendly anymore.

-o-o-o-

With the warmth of the room and the coldness of Spence my needs just seem to grow….I lay almost motionless on his back. I have taken what I want…given what I needed and now I am laying here taking in the sweet scent of Spencer and I play with his hair with one hand and run my fingers slowly along his arm and touch each of his fingers in turn. I think my hand is getting better. I definitely have feeling in it now which is good. There is blood flow in it again. Very good. But this thing beneath me…this Spencer…there is nothing.

I pull myself away from him and kneel just looking. I don't know what to do. I know what I need to do and I know what I want to do and they aren't the same thing…Again I am tempted to turn him over and look. Just look.

I'm not going to touch. I just need to look. So I do. I turn him over onto his back and I can see marks on his body where the blood is pooling and time is running out…for both of us.

"We are both going to luck out babes."

I need Sam here. I asked him to wait but now I need him. My mouth is water as I crawl over and rest my head on his chest, but that's all I'm going to do…I'm not going to bite…not a lot…just….

Ah the gods are tempting me and I won't allow it and I put my back to him and try to work out what to do.

I keep my eyes closed as I turn back and I grab Spencer by his shoulder and push him onto his side. There is nothing else I can do. I need to try to do this alone, so I wrap my arms around him and I push my face tightly into the curls on the back of his neck and fuck me if I don't want to bite….bite deep and rip into him and suck that sweet blood from him…this place…it's this damned place doing it. It's forcing thoughts into my head that I don't want. I bite down onto my bottom lip and wrap my leg around Spencer's and whisper in his ear…. "I'm here babes." But my voice is so quiet I don't think anyone would hear me.

I have to keep my eyes closed because if I saw that pale skin so close – so very close to my mouth I wouldn't be able to stop my self…and in the past I haven't had a problem resisting eating my Spencer…and I don't know why this is suddenly such a problem and again I decide it is this place. The place of death.

Something touches my back and it is small and warm and familiar. Sam. At last he is here.

I don't open my eyes so I don't see Emily crawl over to the other side of the room and sit staring at the strange sight in front of her.

I hear Sam saying "Just sit and wait."

And then I feel him move around and lay down in front of Spencer and facing him he pulls Spencer's arms around him and his hands travel over his body touching my own arms and his leg circles around over mine so that the three of us are entwined together and I am screwing him and Sam is kissing that sweet face and we give ourselves to Spencer there in this strange round chamber in this dark place.

I need him alive.

I need Spencer to be alive.

And a voice in the back of my head is saying. _'So next time you can choke him…remember how good it is when you choke him?'_

-o-o-o-

I don't know what to make of it.

It's vile and sick and private but I can't tear my eyes away from the sight. I think maybe I wouldn't be so sort of repulsed by it if Sam had been an adult…but a child? But then he was doing nothing wrong…just holding on…to the man….the naked man…the dead naked man…who his father was loving….making loved to…fucking. A child and a corpse and Flanders….and it makes me want to be sick but still I cant tear my eyes off it because this is what this was all about. This is why I beat up on Hotch and left him to those barbarians….so I could bring this boy here and see this? NO…NO…so I could save Reid. But it's too late. I can see those eyes are dead. I can see there is no life in him and tears slowly fall because of the desperation on Floyd's face…and the fear on Sam's.

Then he has done this before….he has brought him back…but not with the use of a child.

I start to crawl forwards and I want to help.

"I want to help."

I whisper it. I don't know if I really want to say it…but Floyd heard me and he is looking up at me and reaching out with his hand. And so I take his hand and he guides me around behind him…and this is why I lay down there in this strange underground place in this odd quivering light and curl up around the back of Floyd. I slide one arm under his shoulders and I reach out and I touch Reid and the other hand I do to his what he does to me…I rest it on his abdomen. He pushes back towards me but I have nothing to offer him except a kiss on the shoulder. And under my hand I am sure I feel Reid move. A sudden breath. A twitch of the skin.

-o-o-o-

I was drowning for such a long time. An eternity it took while I watched him looking at me as he held me under the water. Then when it felt like I exploded and the world came to a sudden end I started to fall. And there I was…just falling further and further and I tried to reach out for things and grab hold of them but they just broke or slid out of my grasp. It wasn't frightening though. After a while it was comfortable. I realised that nothing here can harm me…I realised that I was safe. For now.

I could hear voices…and I couldn't work out whose voice it was….and now I know…Ardal…he was there too talking to me and we touched hands and we touched lips and he embraced me and told me that he was sorry…that he would be there for me if he could. That he misses me…and then he was gone and this is where I am now….

I can feel Floyd behind me. And I can see Sam in front of me and we are one big naked mess of people.

* * *


	16. Chapter 16 Pain

Chapter 16

Pain

_Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

I don't know what it is they gave me but they injected it into the muscle at the top of my left leg. I would like to be able to run my fingers over the puncture wound but they have kept my hands and feet restrained. They have given me sips of what I assume was normal tap water through a straw, and that is my only luxury.

Is this the treatment that Flanders child was getting? Were they doing thing like this to him?

I haven't yet worked out what it was they gave me but I am feeling sleepy and it's becoming hard to keep my eyes open now. They have tuned on a dim light again so I think this is their way of giving me some sort of night and day, but I don't think they are necessarily keeping to the times. I have no idea how long I have been here. Days…not weeks? Hours? I really don't know. I can tell by how long my fingernails have grown that it's not been weeks…but I probably would have known anyway if it had been that long. I can tell by brushing my chin along my bare shoulder that it had about two days growth and so this is my guess for now.

They haven't asked me questions. They have actually hardly spoken to me at all and when they did it wasn't real communication….it was just a 'drink' and they are not listening to anything I am saying to them. No matter what I say they ignore me.

I am so sleepy.

I need to keep my eyes open and I need to stay alert. I have no idea what they will do to me if I sleep. If I give them the chance to do more than just let me lay here on this wet mattress.

The chill in the air helps to keep me awake. I go into sudden shivers and I wonder if they are keeping the room chill for the same reason we do during questioning.

I know their tricks.

I can see through what they are doing.

I just need to stay awake…and I don't think it's going to be easy.

Close my eyes….for five minutes….just close them but stay awake….

Stay awake…………………………..

-o-o-o-

"Get off me."

I don't want anyone touching me. I want them away from me. I am naked and they have their hands all over me…

"Get off!" I slap Sam away from me and try to get away from what I assume is Floyd behind me. He did this. He caused this and I have forgiven him so many times now that it makes my head spin.

I don't want him near me. I don't want his hands on me.

I am looking for my clothing. I have been stripped and I feel too hot and too cold and my heart is pounding so hard in my chest that it feels like it's going to jump out and crawl away.

"It's alright…I have you." The voice is in my ear and I don't want it there! I don't want this. I want to go back home to my apartment and my books and my old leather chair and my own smells…not this one I keep getting from Floyd. Not the smells of sex…and no… don't want this child stroking my face and telling me to calm down.

So I push him away from me and I kick back at Floyd and I am looking for my clothing.

I can see that Sam is looking for the same thing and as the arms around me tighten I watch Sam crawl off looking like the devil child he probably is and he drags back with him the only thing I had to wear. "It'll get wet again." He informs me….but that is fine. I don't mind being wet…I just don't want to be naked in front of a child and……

…………….and I catch it out of the corner of my eye………Prentiss.

She saw me naked?

I feel my face flushing and I can still feel Floyd's hands on me.

"Everything is going to be perfect." He is licking me and he is digging his nails in a bit too hard for it to be a pleasure.

"You are hurting me!" and I push him away and sit with my legs pulled up tightly and I look at him. "How can it be perfect? How can I ever be?!" I think I might be shouting at him. I think I probably am, but he just looks confused and Prentiss crawls up next to him and her hand in on his knee. Floyd's knee.

I don't like it.

She has no right.

Emily is trying to take him from me….but….but I don't want him. It's not Floyd I need. I don't think…. So I back off and try to think and Sam is passing is dad his clothing and Floyd is slowly pulling it back on and giving me a curious look.

"Why can it not be perfect?" he finally asks me.

I know not so long ago that this man was all I would ever need, but again it's that smell. That manipulation…and I can see Emily now is helping him on with that shirt and I want to shout at her to leave him alone. He is mine. Floyd is mine. He claimed me a long time ago and she has no rights on him.

A glance at Sam and I can feel his eyes boring into me and feeling around as though he was poking around in my mind with his fingers and pulling bits aside so he can see clearer what I am thinking and so I need to block that off….and keep him out….but I think it's too late. I see his eyes flicker across to Emily and then back to me and he is grinning in that demonic way he grins.

"Why can it not be perfect?" Again he is asking me. "We have all the necessary pieces in place now. We just need to travel a bit further. I want to show you something."

And my head is shaking. "I don't want to see Anthony." And my voice sounds spiteful and I see that it hits Floyd like a slap and I can see the expression change on his face as he pushes Emily away.

"And why the hell not?" His voice is raised and Emily is backing off and Sam is moving in towards the Alpha Male.

"Because I want to see Ardal!" And the name is shooting past my lips and filling the small room with an echo and there is a frown on Floyd's face now.

As he gets to his feet. "You want Ardal? You can have Ardal…You never asked for him before! I brought you here to help you Spence. To help heal you and to show you Anthony and you throw it back in my face by demanding some old whore you can fuck when you could have me…or Sam….if you wait a few years…or Emily even…She'd have you! But you want some old whore…Then have him!"

He turns his back and walks away from me and he goes through the doorway and I can hear the sounds of him wading through the water. Sam is quick to follow and as I stand and watch Emily runs up behind the boy and scoops him up and they follow Floyd.

Now what?

Do I follow? Do I stay here? I don't know what I'm meant to do.

I know that Floyd held me under the water…and I know that he made love to me in the most beautiful way possible and the two things are conflicting in my mind.

"He will come back for me. He didn't bring me all this way to leave me here."

I walk to the back of the chamber and my legs hurt and my head hurts and everything is spinning horribly.

I don't feel myself fall. I don't see the ground come up to meet my face, but obviously it does because now I am laying in the trench around the edge of the room and my face hurt and my head hurts. Carefully I place one hand on the side of my head and it is bleeding. Quite a lot…but that's fine. Head wounds bleed a lot. I'm fine with this. I then move my hand to my face and feel that my cheek is bleeding my I've put my teeth through my bottom lip. And when I open my eyes I realise it is dark…the lights have gone out.

So what to do? He hasn't come back for me, or he has and he's just watching. I'm not sure. I can't hear him though. I can hear nothing.

And I realise that I can't even hear my own breaths or my own heart beating.

And this strange dark silent world is terrifying me. I pull my legs up tight and I wrap my arms around my head and I keep still and silent and I have to hope that nothing I don't want can find me.

-o-o-o-

I've had it with him.

What the hell more does he want from me?

I've given him everything…and one minute he wants me more than life…then he won't let me touch him.

The drowning thing I am sure made a difference…but he is going to regret his actions this time. This time he can sort his mess out for himself.

The corridor has risen now and it's not under water which is something I suppose but I tell you the anger I am feeling right now is to a point that if I'd been walking through shit I wouldn't have cared. I can hear Emily puffing and panting behind me and it makes me want to thump her. She's carrying Sam. He can walk. What's she playing at.

I wont ask.

I'm not going to show interest in it.

But now as the corridor narrows and I can touch each side with my hands as I walk I notice the first of the alcoves. I run my fingers gently over the ancient bones and keep walking. I want to – I should tell her to put the boy down but I don't. I think probably she's as confused as everyone else. It's her little bit of comfort. Just you know it unsettles me as Sam is me.

More alcoves and a scattering of bones on the floor. I bend down and pick them up and place them back on a shelf. Maybe not where they came from originally but better than on the floor.

"What is this place?"

Ah…finally she asks.

"We call it The Place of the Dead. – Catacombs. They go one for further than you could ever imagine. A whole world of it's very own."

"And we are here because?"

And there is a shaking in her voice.

"I wanted to show Spencer something but it doesn't matter now. I'm just going to pay an old friend a visit and then we can leave."

"We came all this way to look at bones?"

Oh why did she say that? Why didn't she keep her stupid mouth shut? I cough away some of the dust and look over at her. She is standing now with Sam on his own feet in front of her. He is looking up and around the place. He knows it here. He knows where we are.

"They are not just bones Emily."

And she shrugs….and the light dims and everything turns red….and again I am coughing and Sam is shouting something and my hand reaches for her throat.

A bit like…………….

…………..but not the same………..as

when I drowned Spencer. I want to break this neck……..

"Stop it." And someone is pulling me back away from her….Sam is…Sam is stopping me.

This grounds me again somehow….and I let go of her. I watch her hands move to her throat and her eyes are big and wild.

"We are trying to help you Flanders!" She shouts at me but her voice is husky from where I was squeezing her. "We are just trying to help you…what in hell's name is wrong with you? You turn on Spencer and now me? Why?!"

-o-o-o-

I wake up and I have been moved….I can't remember going to sleep….but I guess I must have done. I am now laying on my front and my skin is itching and uncomfortable where it rests against the dirty bed I am forced to lay on.

At first I'm not sure what it was that woke me up but then as I turn my head I see the smiling face looking back at me.

"Have a nice sleep FBI?" he says to me.

I lick my dry lips and wonder what they might have done to me whilst in a drugged sleep…and now I have no idea how long I have been here. I cant even guess.

"Drink." I am told and the straw is put to my lips and maybe it is drugged, but I don't think it is and so I risk it and take a sip…It is sweet. I don't think actually it is sweetened…not that sort of sweet, but just beautiful in my mouth…washing away the sticky goo which had collected there.

"Thank you." I don't drink too much. I am worried it will give me stomach cramps so I am cautious with the amount of fluid I take in. "Can you tell me why you are keeping me here?"

He takes the cup and straw and puts them on the floor and shakes his head. "Not my place to say…Sorry. I just know they are mighty pissed off with you."

"It was never my intention to remove the child from your care. I know he was here for a good reason." I need to befriend at least one of these people and try to get information off them.

"But the kid was special."

"I know." I try a small smile but my lips are cracked and split. "I know he is special. I know his father."

But I got no more words out of him as the door opened and three people walked in.

"You." Began one of them. "Have spoiled what was a lot of fun. So we are just going to have to carry on with you." They walk over towards me and one is holding a long split cane. "You will be amazed how much damage that child could take and how quickly he could heal. Understand that you know him and his father and so I would think you know that already."

I keep quiet. I wasn't aware that they knew Flanders…but the boy might have said something. I was not giving them information they didn't already have.

"Nothing to say? Well let us get on with it then….see if you heal as fast as that perverted brat could."

………………………I hope….I hope above all else that Sam didn't feel this pain. It felt like the cane was ripping through my flesh down to the bone. I can feel blood tricking down the sides of my legs. Below the knees….one strike and then the next. My face I turn to the mattress….I don't care how vile and dirty it is right now I wont let them see pain on my face – or the water welling up in the corners…the pain is unbelievable and it makes me feel sick that they were doing this to a child….how many…..?

……………. Across the tops of my legs now and I bits my lip to stop the sounds which are trying to escape from between them. I keep my face tight to the mattress though I can hardly breathe and the stench is making bile rise to my throat…I swallow it back and try my best to not let them see. ….not let them see that I want the throw my head back and scream……how did a child cope with this? Are they doing this to other children………………..

……………………….my lower back and then again quickly across my buttocks and I turn my head to the side because I just cant lay there and let them….and I see the splatter of blood up the wall where the cane has left a row of drips and spots of my blood.

"Does it hurt FBI?"

But I'm not going to talk to them. I wont give them that much enjoyment…as I feel the liquid dribbling down my sides and socking up into the light fabric of my boxers…I cant describe this pain. There is no word for it and I turn my head back to the bed as the can rips open the skin across my shoulders……

Then as suddenly as it started it has all stopped.

"We will now monitor your healing rate. FBI, for your sake you better be of interest to us."

But the only thing I can think of is that I wont let them see my pain. I refuse to let that happen…I just need to hold on until they come for me, and hope I still have skin left on my back when they do.

As they have gone I am able now to lay and turn my head to the wall and let those tears fall….but they are of frustration…not pain.

-o-o-o-

I told them to wait. I told them to sit and wait for me. It was dark. The lights had dimmed and my mind is becoming clearer….and I'm wondering why….so I tell them to just sit and wait.

"Here?" Emily asks me.

I grab her hand and about thirty foot further on is another opening. "Here." I tell. "It's empty. Just sit here and Sam keep an eye on her." And I touch him on the top of the head and I feel that little burst of electricity pass between us and he turns and looks up at me and we are looking at each other…knowing….So I nod at Emily. "Look after her. She's just a girl." And I glance at Emily and wink at her…try to just let the boy look after you….ignore the bruises on your neck…don't let that bother you….I look again at Sam. "Don't come looking for me." I run a hand over his bare skin and it's young and fresh but it's his.

I turn quickly and move back to where I left Spence. Back through the water and to the opening in the wall…and at first I don't see him. Maybe he's moved…tried to find a way out…but then I see. Over on the far side.

"Spence." I just stood in the darkness and looked at him…

"Spence." Rubbing at my nose I take a few steps forward. "You know I can't leave you don't you?"

nothing.

"Babes…." And I am at the edge now looking down at him. He's not moving…not properly. I can see he is breathing. I put a hand out and touch the bare skin on his back and close my eyes as I rub over him with my thumb. "You now I'm not good at this crap."

"Go away." His voice is quiet….a whisper….he still doesn't move.

"Please – Spence…I don't know what happened….its this place."

"Don't touch me. Just leave me Floyd…go and find Anthony. I will wait for Ardal."

I sigh and slide down next to him…I lay with him facing towards him and pull his arms away from his face. "Spencer – Ardal's not here. I can't help him." I know he cant see me…know he is in total darkness and I know how scared he is of this. "Come with me. Please."

There is blood. I see it on his face and I see it in his hair and gently I stroke his face and feel for the wounds with my fingers. "What happened?"

His hands start to push me away. I know that is what he wants to do…but his hands just take my wrists and grip…and he holds on like he will never let go, so I lean in and kiss him on the end of that little nose of his. "Try this." I pull a twist from my jeans pocket. "My smokes got wet."

I feel him take it from my fingers and I watch as he rolls it between his. "Why? Why do you do this? It's messing with your mind Floyd. It's killing you."

And that deserves a kiss on the mouth as I take it back from him and put it in my pocket. "It's there if you want it."

"Which I never will."

"But you have in the past."

And I hear him sigh. "I tripped in the dark and smacked my head. I knew you would come back for me. I know you will never leave me." And his mouth was now on my neck.

"Even after what I did?"

And he blows across my skin and he knows full well what that does to me. "Even after what you did." And small kisses and nibbles. "You sucked me in a long time ago Floyd."

"No pun intended I'm sure." And I suck on his fingers….

"Pun?" and his free hand is on my skin and around my hips and his fingers are digging into my skin.

"We can base this relationship around sex or trust Spencer."

"I don't think trust is the right word to use."

"No I think you are right there. Then what?"

"Need. I need you….I need to taste you and smell you and feel you….feel you on me and in me and hear your voice and see your mouth and even that pain. I need it all…the full package."

"You were pretty pissed with me though babes."

And he turns over so his back is to me. "I'm sorry. You know I am always sorry."

And he is offering himself to me like the good little whore he is. I trained him well…And I lick and love and bite at my bit of filth….and smell that man smell and yes….hook line and sinker. He's mine.

* * *


	17. Chapter 17 Tracking

Chapter 17

Tracking

**A/N: for my sis**

_Whipping and abuse are like laudanum; you have to double the dose as the sensibilities decline. -__Harriet Beecher Stowe,_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

I knew something was wrong as soon as she didn't answer her cell. I drove over there anyway and her car was gone.

Thinking about it….the way she was earlier I wondered if she had gone alone, but I shook my head. She hasn't. I had a feeling she hadn't done that. Something else had happened.

My next call was to Hotch….and that came back to voicemail….his home number remained unanswered and so my next trip took me to his place. A lovely place he had bought but he didn't seem to spend a lot of time here. His car was not in the parking bays…but Emily's was. So I got out and checked it. It was secured and a light shone in the windows showed nothing untoward and so I walked to Aaron's place. Though it was getting dark there were no lights on…no windows open…the place was obviously empty, but I tried anyway. Ringing on the bell and waiting…knocking on the door…in case he hadn't heard the bell…and then I stood back and looked at the place and thought.

"He's not there." The voice came from behind me and as I turn I see it belongs to as young blond in a jogging out fit. "He went out with that tall dark haired woman…and they haven't been back. I hope he's having fun." And she smiled at me.

"When did they leave?" And I show her my badge.

She tells me all she knows. He left with Emily…they were in a hurry, and they didn't look happy. "Really I think that other woman is more his type. That tall dark haired woman doesn't look the type to bake apple pies."

And I smile at that. I can't imagine Emily baking apple pies for Hotch either. Though Rosie I can. I thank her and start to turn…

"Oh." I say….and pull a card from my pocket. "My number. If he returns…or if you see or hear anything…."

"Give you a call." She looked at the card I handed her. "Sure thing Agent Rossi."

I turn again and wave and call a thank you, but she is already jogging off again with her iPod earphones in and a smile on her face. I should warn her against it. I should tell her not to do that…but I am pulling my cell from my pocket and calling Garcia instead. I have to know where Aaron's car is. I need to find him. I don't like that they have both gone off like this…and it couldn't have happened too long ago. They can't be that far away.

Hotch's car is easy to find. I knew it would be and so it is Derek and I who drive out to the forest area and pull up a bit back from Hotch's car and get out and just look at it for a while.

"Flanders." Morgan says to me…and I know what he is thinking. Flanders love for the forest is what usually draws us to it and I can't see a reason why this time would be different. We both pull on gloves to protect anything we might need to touch and looking carefully where we walk we approach the car.

It is always a worry. We never know what will be found behind those darkened windows and I can see as Morgan pulls his sidearm that his breathing is deeper as he controls the feelings inside. We now seem to have three missing agents and a Flanders out there somewhere and things are not getting any closer to feeling solved.

Again the car is locked and again we shine in flashlights and see nothing unusual. I call up the CSU and I want to track…I want to find out where the hell they are so I call in the rangers who will bring dogs. We will find them. We have time but the car has to be taken back to the lab and we need to know if Reid and Flanders had been in the car too.

It looks as though something has driven further into the forest down a small track but I don't want to go messing up a crime scene we will have to stand and wait. I can see Derek wants to run in there and sort things out but I need him to wait.

We don't have to wait long though. They are always quick off the mark when it is 'one of our own' who has gone missing. We follow the rangers now and it's not long before we find the van. The one which Flanders took from the hospital parking lot. I can see easily the scratches and dents on the front from where he crashed through the barrier…and the back doors are open showing clearly the chair in the back and smears of blood everywhere. Looking in the front there is also blood there so I can only assume that the blood has come from Flanders. I hope that the blood is Flanders and not Reid's. Emily was right and it saddens me that the boy who was so enthusiastic about everything I had ever done has been reduced to a smear of blood in the back of a van abandoned in the forest. At least we know why Hotch was here…though how he knew where to come is a different matter.

"Sir." A CSI is walking down the track towards me with a gadget in his hands….Morgan turns to look at him and he glances over at the two of us. "I had a look. Checked up to see if the SUV has been elsewhere. It didn't come straight here from your Agent's home" And she passed the gadget over….and Morgan takes it and looks at the numbers and the address.

"Do you have any idea what this place is?" Derek hands it to me and the address means nothing to me either.

Morgan already has his phone out and is calling Garcia.

"Hey Angel. Can you tell me what is at this address?" And she answers without hesitation I can see Derek frown. "How do you know?" And he frowns again and says "Thank you Angelface." And clips the phone back on his belt.

He turns to me. "It's a detention centre for children. Garcia knew what it was……" and he gives me the details and tells me that is where Sam is.

The CSI then lets us know that a pair of what appears to be child's pyjama bottoms where found in the back of the car…and they are not in a very nice condition.

We need to go to the detention centre and talk to the people there. I need to know if Sam is still there and if not why not…and I need to see him, but considering the current state of affairs I decide to take some back up. We wait for now. For now I have to find out if the dogs can track and find out where our men and woman are. I don't have enough people and we are too sparsely spread now. I need to be everywhere at the same time and cant be.

"Morgan get some men and find out what is going on at the detention centre. See if that tech can get into their computers…look at security tapes…I need to know exactly what went on there."

Derek nods and looks around at the local PD standing doing nothing and talks to the guy in charge. I watch him leave with a group of men as he talks on this cell phone again….

For me….I wait here….and now the dogs are ready we carry on into the forest…flashlights at the ready…it's dark…and it's going to rain and I have to find out what has happened to the team.

-o-o-o-

I again have no idea what they have given me. The stuck needles in me again. The first few I know were in my spine and I can only assume that they had an epidural effect on me as now I can feel nothing below my waist. God only knows what they have been doing to me. I don't want to even consider what their motives for this are except they are just using me to see what they can do to other people. I wonder again if Sam went through these horrors and if he did I am glad it is me here now and not him. No one should ever have to experience this…and no child – no child should ever have to even come close to having this much pain. Though the physical pain has mostly stopped – well bellow that point where the needles went in anyway…my upper half can still feel the agony of the split cane and my face can still feel where Prentiss attacked me.

That I am going to put down to Sam. I am sure the boy had something to do with it…and knowing now what they were doing it him I can see why he did it. I just wish he had trusted me too. I would have helped him. I think…but then I didn't know all of this did I?

I think they have raped me.

I think…I cant feel it…but I can hear them. I can feel them pushing at me and touching me – but it doesn't hurt. The pain is emotional. I am being degraded and they are filming it…but I wont watch. I keep my head facing downwards…I refuse to give them the pleasure of seeing my face as they ride me like a rent boy.

They are pulling my face up from the mattress now and shouting at me and I need to try to refocus my mind again because I had let it drift and I had been thinking of Jack and the play date we have planned. But those thoughts are forced away from me.

"Where is he – or we show your friends these." And they place on the bed next to me to see a set of photographs and though you can't see my face it is obvious it is me. Anyone who knows me will see that is me. They are attempting to humiliate me to get information but I am stronger than that I hope, and there is always the point that I really don't know where the hell the boy is, but I don't need to tell them that and photographs of them raping me aren't going the change that fact.

"I don't know where he is." I tell them. "And I don't care if you show the pictures." I let them know and then I stay quiet because I don't want to get into conversation with these people…I know my state is weakened and I don't want to say something I shouldn't.

As they have let go of my hair again I turn my face and rest my forehead on the dirty mattress and let my thoughts drift back to Jack…they are good thoughts…there is nothing there able to encroach on my thoughts to corrupt them. They are pure….and so I think of us playing with sand and dough and chasing and I permit myself a secret interior smile.

But the feeling doesn't last long as they wrap something around my upper arm and at first I wonder what they are doing and then realise they are going to inject me once more. Every time I think with something different. Testing me …to see how I react to the chemicals they are pumping into me….but this is alright. This I don't mind. Because this actually frees me and lets me fly.

So I fly home. I leave this place and I make my self very small so they cant even see me and I curl up tight and slip under doors and through gates and I go higher and higher than you normally can fly….I'm in the clouds….I can see the birds below me and I reach out and pull bits off the clouds and put them somewhere safe because Jack will like some bits of clouds I am sure. _'Hey Jack look what daddy found you. A special bit of cloud just for you!'_ and then I go even higher and up here it is so dark…so very dark but I can touch the stars. I reach out and grab one. A small one. One which will always shine and it makes me think of Spencer and it makes me want to cry, because I think his light has dimmed. I will give him this. I will give him this star and it will make him what he was again. He can make a wish on it. He can dream with it. He can be whatever he wants to be. He could be free from Flanders.

Flander…….

Hotch……

I can hear someone shouting at me…but I want to ignore them because it will mean going back again and not feeling this wonderful freedom….and I need this…I have to have this…

"Hotch!" The voice is persistent. It sounds like Morgan. What is Morgan doing up here.

………………but suddenly everything is shaking and moving and feeling wrong. So I'm not sure what is going on really. "Hotch." That voice again and I'm not flying anymore. I am laying down and I am on my back and I am in agony. I can feel the wetness from the bed seeping into my wounds but I cant move. I can't get away from it and…he is shouting at me in my face and his hands are holding me. "Hotch – wake up man! It's me…its Morgan."

I think of the photographs and the other things and I don't want him here. "Get off me!" I suddenly shout and try to push him away. I am the leader. I am the man in control and I wont let him see me weak like this, but I am finding my head is hard to control….my thoughts are flying all over the place as I think of Jack and Rosie and Sam and Spencer and Prentiss and no thought will stay put for long enough for me to make sense of it.

"It's alright Hotch. We have you now."

"But what about Jack!" I shout at him….and I open my eyes and I can see how worried he is looking.

"Jack?"

-o-o-o-

He is drugged.

God only knows what else they've done to him and I have no idea why. Why would they be doing this? I don't know what they have given him, but he is confused. I hope this experience remains confused for him, at least until he is able to think straight. I know he is in pain. I can see it on his face. I need to help him but he wont listen to me. I don't know why he is worried about Jack so I put in a call to dear Garcia again and ask her to check up if things are OK with the lad. But I don't want to scare Haley. She needs to just say Aaron wanted to check the time for the next play date. I know he has one due. Just say that he needs to check it's still on. Garcia will soon hear if Haley is worried about Jack.

Now I need to sort my leader out.

He is thrashing on the bed and I can see blood on the mattress under him. I want him moved off the bed and onto the floor for now. At least the floor is a bit cleaner. Ambulances are on the way. This vile place is full of people like this…but the others are all children. Most of them horrible birth defects which they are keeping alive to experiment on. I didn't know places like this existed. How the hell does this happen and what were they doing to Sam while he was here and more to the point what was it about Sam that made them want him here. He must be very special. I think of his room and the pornography and the clocks and try to fit that in with this place and come up with nothing.

They lay Hotch on the floor and I crouch down next to him We have him covered over with a light almost clean sheet, but he is flailing around and trying to reach out for something so I take his hand and suddenly he stops and he looks at me.

"Morgan?"

"It's OK Hotch….We are here now. Can you remember what happened? Why are you here?"

I see his eyes flicker as he thinks….I see him blink and a look of sorrow pass his face. "Prentiss has Sam." He takes a deep breath. "She attacked me and took the child." I nod at him…I don't know if he is remembering things correctly but we haven't found Sam here so I can only presume he is telling the truth. "Don't be hard on her Derek." And Hotch squeezes my hand…. "If Sam was going through what I just have I am glad she took him. Find them. They are going to get Flanders and Reid."

I nod at him. "We are on it. Rossi is with the rangers out in the forest…they will track them…they might not be able to track Flanders but I'm sure they can find Prentiss. The medics are here now." I let go of his hand and he nods at me. I thought for a second he might even smile….but ….no…no smile….

They lay him on his font on the gurney and they start straight away to clean the wounds on his back. They are deep rips and I can't imagine what caused them….but I see the tears on pain in Hotch's eyes.

I place a hand on his shoulder….and he talks to me again.

"Go Morgan. Go and find them."

I don't want to leave him. I would have wanted to ride to the hospital with him, but he's not the sort of man who will want that. He doesn't want people to fuss around him. It takes away some of the control he has and right now the control he has over this situation is somewhat slim.

I am standing there watching them clear puss and god only knows what else out of the tears in his skin and I see his jaw clench and I think he wants to scream…

"I'm on it. I'm going. I will call the hospital later." And he nods at me, so I back off slowly not wanting to leave him alone but knowing I need to even so it's so he can scream and not have me hear it. I turn and walk quickly away and I am at the elevators when I hear it. It echoes down the hall…the most god awful scream of pain and I want to scream back….but I press the button for the elevator and press my fingers against my temples and close my eyes and try to block out the howling shouts of pain which I don't think I will ever be able to forget.

* * *


	18. Chapter 18 Hugs

Chapter 18

Hugs

**A/N: SLASH WARNING.**

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

"Do you forgive me?" The question is blown across my ear and sends shivers down my spine. How can I not forgive him? I always forgive him. Some sickness deep inside of me seems to like it. I'm not sure what part of it I like. The healing? The pain? The fear? The wonderful making up again afterwards? It's just something I accept. I accepted it long ago and although I try to fight him off sometimes…those times when my conscience shouts out at me 'This isn't right.' And sometimes I fight hard…but never do I expect to win. I know he will do what he wants and I know it will hurt and I know I will come back for more because there is one thing you can never fault Floyd on; he won't permit anyone else to hurt me….and if they do, then they will suffer. I know…I am sure, that all the time I stay with him I will be safe.

If you can call this safe.

And the times he was away or couldn't get to me…those were the times I feared the most.

He travelled.

He just went off and for years he was gone. Left me to it….'To grow' He said…'To grow without influence.' – and then he returned, and all those years I had been without him suddenly felt very empty, and I know I hurt Hotch.

I turned to him.

Firstly I went to Gideon, but he did what all the men ever do in my life…my father…then Floyd….then Gideon….they all do it. There is something about me which makes people think they can just abandon me and I will get up and get on with it.

It's not that easy.

Not when you are so desperate – but can't make that contact. I could with Hotch. I could put my arms around him and I could hold him and feel him holding me in return and the feeling was – ah…you know there are not words I can think of to describe that feeling…comfort, safety…a sort of completeness. I know he will never judge me. I know he will never do something I don't want. I know though he sits in the locker room whilst I shower and though I feel him watching me as I walk around in my towel…dripping wet…nipples erect from the cool water I let run over me before I come out…

But that comfort was different….and sometimes I was unsure of it. When I let my towel slip a bit…on those times when I took that risk and wondered if I would ever feel his breath on the back of my neck…if I would ever feel that extra bit of comfort I craved.

And then just as I thought I would spend my life alone…Just when people were wondering why I had no lady in my life and I was getting comments from Morgan…and looks from my team members…then Floyd came back.

He is still here.

I think he will leave again.

He does that….he leaves and travels and gets the dust and cobwebs out of his system…and does what ever it is he does….but he comes back. Like now. He always returns…because now I think he needs me as much as I need him.

I feel his breaths on the back of my neck and his hands running down my spine and it feels like someone would inspect a rare book….feeling the cover gently…getting to know it. Loving it…but no matter how much you love the book…if you keep dropping it and tearing out pages….eventually it will be no good – one day it will just be the cover and inside it will be empty.

"Turn over." Again the words are said across my ear and again my skin shivers with the sensation. He knows what he is doing to me. He knows exactly how to touch me and how to breathe on me to get me to do exactly what he wants. He can manipulate me with a breath over my damp skin…and I don't know how or why.

So I turn over and pull my clothing back right and he runs his finger over the laceration on the side of my face. "You really went down hard."

I lick my lips and just look at the darkness in front of me. "I can't remember doing it. I just remember being on the floor."

"I deserved it."

And I put my hands out and touch his hair and his arm. "Deserved what?" I whisper back at him.

"What you said to me. After what I did…I shouldn't expect you to act like it didn't happen."

I wrap my fingers around his arm and move my other hand down his chest and down his side until it rests in the dip of his waist. "Forget it Floyd." I know he will never say sorry. He doesn't believe in the word. The word means that he didn't mean it and it wont happen again….but it will. He knows it will. I know it will…and I know that the word is meaningless to him.

"You just piss me off so much sometimes. Something boils over inside."

I dig my fingers into the soft skin just above his hip. "I said forget it. You don't need to explain. It's done…It's in the past."

He sighs as I finger brush his hair…which had looked so beautiful when he came to the door that day. So handsome and perfect and now this.

"Spence." And he is pulling that twist out of his pocket again and he has started to cough. "Spence." He repeats and gets to his hands and knees….and I think he is trying to tell me something but I don't know what it is…He is coughing and choking on something so I rub at his back gently. I know his ribs hurt him…I know he is in pain.

"Take some Floyd. I will sit here with you."

-o-o-o-

I can't breathe…I want him to thump me on the back or something – anything but it is like he is afraid to touch me. He is so gentle…It's one of the things I have always found so enduring and lovable about him…if this is love, I'm still not so sure about that…lust? Love? Need? I'll come back to that…right now my lungs have stopped….and I think my heart is going to follow.

"Help me Spence." And I cough clots of something with smells like old blood onto the floor…I feel his arms around me holding me but still it feels like he is afraid he is going to hurt me so I carry on trying to dislodge whatever it is inside me and my breathing is coming in great wheezing gulps and I am seeing stars flash in front of my eyes as his hand slaps me on the back…

…… "more" I think I say…I don't know…I might have thought it but it doesn't matter he hits harder…and I rock slightly with the force and he hits again between my shoulder blades and he can hit hard can Spencer. He might look under weight and weak and vulnerable, but he can hit hard. As long as the target isn't moving.

I can feel something crawling up inside me. It feels like I am giving birth to a creature through my airways. I can feel it clawing it's way out of me…and the pain –

………… let me tell you about pain…..the sort of pain your might feel if you swallow glass and follow it up with salt water………

..that pain you get when you have had your back teeth ripped from your jaw with no pain relief and the you drink that same salty water…..it makes you want to rip your jaw right out of your mouth. You don't think you can survive it. You curl into a screaming ball of agony because really there is nothing else you can do…..

I've never given birth before…being a bloke and all…but girls….this is worse….I promise you…..you don't want to have this monster crawling its way out of your soul and into your mouth…

I think I'm on my back now….I am sure I am….the slapping on the back has stopped and I can hear Spencer asking me ….begging me what to do…what's wrong…and I want to tell him I'm giving birth to Rosa….but how can I? He won't understand that….

I think….I think I am putting my hands into my mouth….Spence is pulling them away from me and telling me to stop it. He is trying to get me to roll onto my front….but I have to be here…and I arch my back and………..

………………… and I tip my head back and my jaw…..

I'm glad it's dark….I'm glad he can't see this……as it tears away from me and slides across the side of my face and turns to me and spits….then is gone….a trail of slime….

…………. And bugger me if my heart hasn't stopped again.

"Spencer." I try to crawl out of the thing we have been laying in and find the paddles…but I can hardly move….it feels like my insides are bleeding….Damn you Rosa….Damn you to hell you bitch!

"What…what do you need…what's going on."

I can hear the speed he is talking…and the pitch of his voice that he is in panic mode….but be can cope…he can deal with this. "Get the paddles." I am clawing at the side of the trench and for the sake of Pluto its only a couple of feet deep but it might as well be the great sodding escarpment for all the luck I'm having dragging my self up it…and I know Spencer can't see…It's too dark…I can't ask him to get them….

But he is moving….I see he is perched on the edge of the trench. "Where are they….keep talking to me Floyd…I need to know you are there."

"Just…" and now my breathing is beginning to mess with me. "crawl……" and I slide back down and curl into a ball and curse Rosa and wish Sam was here….then again….maybe not. Maybe I don't want him to know what just happened. It might not be the best thing for father-son relationship for him to know I ate his sister.

"PleaseFloydTalkToMe!" and the words come out of his mouth so fast that they hardly make sense.

"Babes." I mutter….but I don't know if he can hear me….but I know he is doing something for me which considering not so long ago I sort of killed him…I don't deserve this.

"I'm back." And he falls head first into the trench next to me and just lays there in silence.

Quickly I reach out for him and touch his sticky warm skin. "Spencer?" I can see he's not moving…how can so much shit happen in such a short space of time? How is this happening? I grab the paddles out from under Spencer and lay back fiddling and twiddling with buttons until I get that sound….and place them on my chest…..

……………….AAAHHH hell!! What the fuck!? That was…..that must have been….Well it worked….it worked alright….

Come here you lovely life giver…give Floyd a kiss…If I ever misplace my sweet Spencer…at least I can get the orgasm from Hades from these beauties….now Spencer….

My head is still spinning from that….and the pain in my chest and throat we wont talk about again right now….I know you don't like to hear me moaning on and on about my aches and pains…but ….well…an aspirin isn't going to cure this baby any time soon.

A deep breath and I roll Spencer over….He is breathing. His heart is pounding….he's just out cold again. The fool has hit his head so many times I think I will get him a rubber hat to wear and maybe some fancy glow in the dark knee pads. I definitely need to get him a life time supply of glow sticks…

So I sit and stroke his hair and rest his head on my lap and wonder where Rosa went and what she is going to do and then my thoughts are drifting to Sam. I need to get back and I need to breathe in some of that special Emily scent. She like Spencer is special…and honestly the only living…and I do mean that literally …the only living female I've ever had an interest in. Even warm there is a certain something about Agent Emily Prentiss….and now she's lost more weight…and now her hair is like that…and…well…she could almost pass as a boy anyway….but….yeah….taken from behind….she is sweet.

"Floyd." And a small moaning sound and Spencer is awake again.

"Heya there…you hit your head again."

-o-o-o-

I wish I knew what dad was doing… Well I can take a good guess…he's making up with Spencer again….and I wouldn't mind a hug occasionally too you know…

I'm sitting picking at the sores on the backs of my legs…they are helluva deep…and some of them are swollen and icky.

"Em." And I try to sound pathetic. "Do you think dad is coming back?" I keep my eyes down but my ears very open and I hear her sigh.

"Yes Sam…he said he was coming back…and he will. Just sit and wait."

"What do you think he's doing to Spencer?" Go nice one Sam….get her thinking.

And I hear her moving around. "Doing to him? Uh…I really don't know." But she's thinking it….she's seeing it in her head and I can almost taste her thoughts….dirty dirty Emily….I want to laugh but I won't.

"I'm scared." And I whisper it and turn my head from her. Oh Sam you should have been on stage. She is on her dirty little way here.

"Hey…there is nothing to be scared of. Come here." And yes….result….she is pulling me to her chest….oooohhhh…Emily Prentiss….if only I could breast feed….I slide my face….hahaha…down her chest and to her lap and snuggle in tightly to her…and her hands stroke my back and tickle that bit of skin on the nape of my neck….

Bad dirty Emily Prentiss thinking of my dad again….One day she will think of me like that….well in a way she already is….But this is good…this is a bit of little boy's heaven right here right now and I'm quite content to wait for dad.

-o-o-o-

I don't know what it is about Spencer what makes me want to stuff various parts of his body in my mouth and just suck. I don't know if it's the sweetness of his skin…or that that I love those little noises he makes…but I just had a heart attack…but I now need to indulge in a bit of toe sucking….which I realise is not for everyone….so you might want to close your eyes and his feet aren't the cleanest part of his body right now…but I will be getting to that later….

Spence is laying on his back with his hand on the bump forming on the top of his sweet head….and I am giving him a foot massage…

…………with my tongue……and my teeth…and his other hand is gripping hold of the fabric of his pyjama bottoms and I hear him sigh and I can feel him wriggle as my hands move slowly up his legs….those lovely long legs and occasionally they stop and dig in a bit…..

Ah….yes…..a bite on his ankle and he is anyone's….or mine in this case……so I drag his clothing down with one of my hands and take hold of his hand with the other and I entwine my fingers with his and make my way up his body…and he is groaning and writhing and to think just a few minutes ago I was dead again and he was out cold…well….we hold the world record for fucks and sucks…….

His other hand has come off his head now and is on mine…..he has hold of my head and he thinks he is controlling me…he thinks he is holding me there as I flick at him with my tongue….I keep going though…I work my way past that point and crawl my dirty perverted little self up my whore boy and I get ready to fuck him……

I can see he is smiling….I can see a flash of white teeth and the dimples on the corners of his mouth drive me out of my tiny dirty mind at my mouth touches his and my tongue searches for entry into that mouth…that mouth which could service a thousand whores and still not get tired…..

I don't want him to shout out….I want to do this is silence so I pull back my mouth and put a hand over his. "hush" I tell him…but he is shaking his head and I and thoughtful….and don't cover his nose…."Just hush." I tell him again…and he nods so I let go and my mouth is on his neck. I want to taste his blood…I want to suck on that life force pumping through him…but I cant….so I ram into him and feel him push forwards to me….I don't care that I didn't prepare him…I don't care that I will make him bleed and tear him….I need to feel that dampness and I need to smell the blood and damnit I want to eat….

My hand is over his heart and I feel it thumping in his chest…."I need you Spencer."

But I don't think he understands me.

He makes a small groan back at me and he is seeking me out with his hands and pushing my hands down onto him….

"Do it yourself you little pervert." I hiss at him…and I see him blink and I see him wet his lips and he looks into my eyes………..

………………he is trying to work out if I mean it or not so I move my head down and clamp my teeth down on his pert little nipples and now he cries out…but that's ok…

And actually……

……………………..it was bloody good….

In a lot of ways….that was good….

But I wonder if the paddles were better.

And when I look down and see that head tipped back and the mouth open and his body shaking in ecstasy well…paddles don't appreciate me like my Spence does.

* * *


	19. Chapter 19 Saying Sorry

Chapter 19

Saying Sorry

_There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never c__are for anything else thereafter__: - __Ernest Hemingway _

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

The dogs tracked a ways in to the forest and then ran in confused circles. The rangers and dog handlers both showed the dogs Sam's clothing and still they ran in circles….the trail stopped….Stopped dead in the middle of nowhere…

I smacked at the bushes with a stick….not to do anything constructive…but just out of pure frustration.

There was nothing. The signs we had seen that something was being dragged…..they just stopped….the broken stems….the drops of blood….everything…stopped….as though a line had been drawn…

"The trail must continue." I spoke what everyone was thinking….but spreading out…letting the dogs go and seeing if they found anything resulted in nothing. I am tired and I am fed up with all this crap and I am confused. I at least know that Hotch is in safe hands but by what Derek was saying he will be out of action for a while now.

He is on his way back here…but there will be nothing for him to do…but he will want to be part of it….to see for himself that there is nothing here. A dead end…

I hate that phrase. It's so terminal. So final and we will find them. Eventually we will find them. Four people cannot just disappear off the face of the earth. The Rangers have maps out and are pointing out likely locations. I walk over and look. They seem to think they would be heading for a road. A big road of some kind. Or maybe the railway.

"They won't. At least Flanders won't." I let them know. "He will go deeper. Stay away from people. Hunker down somewhere out there." And I look out into the direction we had been going. "He's not likely to seek out other people….and he will walk rather than take a lift if possible."

They shrug and look at me. "Are you aware how vast this forest is?" The name badge says Ranger Gordon Almsot, and I nod at him…

"I have a good idea. Which is why that is where he will be. If we are looking for Flanders….and I think you will find that they are all together now."

"There are small holdings out there." And Almsot stabs his finger on the map… "We could check them out. Doesn't this man kill for no reason whole households of people….whole families?"

The word gets around. "Not without reason…He has a reason…just not one we would consider a good one." So I look at the map and the direction of the small holdings and look at the sky… "He won't be there." I let them know. "I've been watching this man for a long time…he won't risk going to those places….too big and too may people. There is no storm due….no reason not to camp out…that's what he will be doing." And I stand and look around me. "If he is even still here." And I frown. "And I am beginning to doubt that."

I don't know what it is….I don't know if it's a smell…a sound….or just something floating harmlessly in the air here, but suddenly I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be a long way from here. I am standing shaking my head when a voice sounds behind me….

"Rossi….what's going on man?"

Morgan has arrived. I turn to him and frown. "I think we need the CSU down here….something feels wrong." I feel dizzy…very dizzy and I feel the forest spinning around my head. If Derek wasn't there I would have crashed to the floor, but he catches me as I start to stumble and pulls me away from where I am standing….

The dogs are howling….

………….screaming…….they are screaming……and the handlers are calling them back to them…….soundless whistles and yelps from the handlers……

I can see people running back and forth and there seems to be a sudden panic in the air but I can't concentrate…. Morgan is half dragging me away from the place and back to where the van is…then beyond that….

………..beyond where I can see yellow tags marking the blood smears and splatters….I don't know what belongs to Reid and what belongs to Flanders, but I think we will soon find out. Obviously some was Flanders….he was dripping blood everywhere when he left the hospital….how the hell he wasn't stopped is beyond me….

And reports that some poor guy had his shirt nicked by him…but was not harmed….what the hell was that all about?….Flanders doesn't do that….he is changing….Or was too weakened to fight the guy…?

The EMT's are fussing over me now and insisting I go to the hospital and as it will be the one Hotch is in I don't fight it, but my head is still spinning and I can see Derek is sweating horribly…..

There is something wrong about this place.

-o-o-o-

They put something in a needle and injected it into the back of my legs.

I've had enough of it….enough of needles and poking and prodding….I want to be left alone.

"The wounds are infected."

I am told.

"A lot of blood loss."

I knew that.

"You will need some surgery."

Again

I am thinking of getting my own theatre built and my own hospital wing….The Aaron Hotchner Memorial Wing or Suite maybe….I feel so tired…but I can't sleep all the time they are prodding and poking at me…

Rape…..

It was mentioned….There is no point in doing the rape kit. I can tell them what happened….I can tell them it was more than one person. I can give them those sorts of details….pressing charges? The hell I am….but for the other stuff….for the whipping….for the abuse on the other children …and if I knew where Sam was….I would for him too.

Sam is Floyd's kin….and so for Floyd I will do this….and why? Because Spencer loves him…I might not like it. It might hurt like hell its self…but I am bigger than that. I have my sweet Rosie….And I wonder if she is second best….if I am playing her along because I can't have what I really want….what I really need….

I don't think I will ever see him wet and fresh from the shower again….I don't think I will see that white knobble of hip bone showing above the towel. Games…so many games we played and yet we never made that move….

Spencer teasing….me watching….Spencer needing comfort…and me holding him and taking in that scent…as he does the same to me…but that is all…never any more than that.

"This might hurt."

I am told….and really….can it hurt anymore than it already does? In my psyche…down there deep down where I love Reid but cant tell him…that is where the pain really is.

And now it seems Prentiss too. She is with him…chosen over me…and I doubt she has feelings for Spencer, but then there is my answer….Floyd can't cope with competition…not that I am much of one….I can't compete against that because I won't cheat and lie and bully my way in….and I don't think Spencer wants gentle and loving…I think he wants rough and hard and solid. And maybe he need his lover to not also be his boss.

It would get in the way…it already does.

I know I am hard on him…I know I am equally soft. I give him chances he wouldn't get with someone else in charge. Yet – reprimanding him – seeing that look on his face. Seeing him look either shocked or sad….I loved that….I love to hear him snap back at me…and I love to bring him close to tears….and I wonder if that is why he comes to me….if that is what he wants…again, it's what Floyd does but to a very diluted extent.

Gideon….again…the same.

I wonder about his childhood….what really did happen with his father…and why has he blocked out those years?

"That hurts."

I let the nurse know that I can feel it.

"We are nearly done…a few more stitches and I am finished."

"What happened about surgery?"

She comes around to where I can see her…. "Well we are stitching first and cleaning out the wounds…then we will see what needs to be done." She stokes a stray bit of hair off my face and it annoys me…I'm not a damned dog.

"Thank you." And I turn my head so I don't have to look at her. I want to sink back into my own world again and reply images in my mind. I want to see his shoulders…and his eyes…and I don't know if I will see him again and I will never see him again as he is meant to be….

Have I ever….?

From what he has hinted at he knew Floyd a long time before I did. A long time back…he was never as he is meant to be.

They cover me with a sheet after the dressings have been applied. The make sure my drip is dripping as it should and they leave me alone. Which is exactly where I want to be right now. Alone in my head.

-o-o-o-

If I ever have my own child I would love him to be like Sam.

There is something about him, but I don't know what it is. He pulls me to him so easily. Poor child…

…..He's been through so much in his short life. I am sitting waiting for Floyd to return…and I hope be brings a living walking talking Spencer back with him….though….no….I won't say it.

I sigh and brush my fingers over the boy's soft and very dirty skin. He still has on the strange belt cloth thing he made and I am finding it hard to imagine him being the sort of kid to get on his jeans or sweats and go out and play base ball or throw some hoops. He's just not that sort of kid.

He wriggles in my lap and I hold him a bit tighter. I know from what I've read and seen that the Trent-Saviours were not ones to give hugs and I don't think I've ever seen Floyd show him any kind of love…so I will….I will hold him and give him what every child needs….

His shoulders are shuddering and I wonder if he is crying. I don't want to ask…he is a boy…a small abused boy and I don't want to make him feel worse if he wants to hide it from me. I fiddle with his hair and run my finger along his back down between his shoulder blades.

"They will be back soon." I say it quietly. If I say it with too much feeling and too much need he will know…he will read me …this kid will make a good profiler…he can read people so easily. I am looking down at the ragged cloth he has around his waist and at the way his legs are tucked up and at the shape of his feet and I wonder if this is what happened to Floyd. Did he go through crap like this as a child? Is this what made him what he is now?

He should be locked away. Really….truthfully the three of them should….very separately…

Floyd is insane. I've known that for a long time…there is something very wrong with him… I don't have a name for it. I haven't got a label for him…I have lots of them…plastered all over him. Sadistic psychopath…I suspect he is cannibalistic… I know he will have sex with anything…and I mean anything…living or dead…even it has never lived…animal…or….I don't know….and I look down at Sam…I don't know about children…

I shudder….he is with Spencer.

I feel Sam wriggle again and so I wind my fingers into his hair a bit harder….just to let him know I am here and I am responding to him.

Sam…Sam needs to be helped before he ends up like his father…I'm sure if he can be helped before puberty…before he has sex on his mind then he can be helped. But I don't know how you can undo all those years of neglect…

……………..I would…….I would if asked take this child into my home and love him. I find him easy to love. I love the feel of him snuggled up to me like this….I would have to ask him to wear clothes though….and I smile at the thought of taking him to school dressed like Jungle Boy…. _'oh nothing wrong here sir…all normal' _ I would do that for him….

Or is it Floyd I would do it for?

Spencer….he has always been wrong….he is sick…he has always been sick. His mother is ill….what would you expect? I don't know why he was ever allowed on the team…It shouldn't have been permitted. He is faulty.

It was Gideon's doing….he brought him in and dumped him with us….

…………………he should have taken him with him. Got shot of him… he's no good to us………he makes me angry……I try.

I try very hard to like him. I put on smiles…and I laugh….but……but he just makes me want to slap him! Is he being like that to annoy us? Does he act like that because he thinks we will like him more?

It made me sick when Rossi joined the team and he was all over him like a disease…a not very nice one either…quoting from his books….following him around like damned kid….

I can hear noise and I look up and there is Floyd with Spencer walking behind him. They both look worse for wear but the slight light here now casts odd shadows over things….

"Hey….Sam….they are back." And I give him a little wiggle….

Then it happens….and it happens so damned fast I don't have time to react to it. One second Sam is snuggled on my lap and the next he has been ripped from me by his hair….

"What in fucks name are you playing at?" Floyd has the boy by his hair off the ground and holding him at eye level. I can see Sam kicking and screaming and Spencer just standing with his mouth open….I jump to my feet and shout back.

"For god's sake what the hell….put him down."

And he does….he looks at me and looks at Sam and drops him to the floor…which he follows up with a mighty backhander which sends the poor child flying.

"Floyd!" I shout it as Sam hits the wall…and I hear his head crack against it….and I look at Floyd who now has Spencer's hand on his shoulder…but he is pushing Reid away and walking over to Sam.

I race after him…every part of my body fired up to defend that child who is cowering back on the floor crying…. "I'm sorry!"

And Floyd is shouting back at him… "You dirty fucking liar…you're not sorry! You forget who I am!" and I watch in horror as Floyd lifts the child off the floor by his neck and holds him against the wall.

"Did you touch her?!" Floyd is screaming in the child's face and I'm not totally understanding now what is going on. "Did you touch Emily!?" And he is shaking the boy and I can see the Sam's eyes going wide and he is mouthing 'no'.

Then Flanders pulls the boy away from the wall and hurls the child across the room. "LIAR!"

And he is howling like a man animal.

"Don't you ever touch her again...You are not allowed near her!" And Sam is crawling away like some fallen insect into a dark corner….and Spencer is now shouting. "Stop it Floyd! You'll hurt him."

And now he has turned to Spencer and it is him who is knocked flying by a back hander….

I back off…there is so much fury in that man that he is going to explode and I don't want the mess all over me. I want to see if Sam is alright, but I don't think that will help this situation….

"Floyd….he didn't touch me….not inappropriately." I need to calm things down again…I can see Reid is crawling away too…and slowly making his way to Sam who has curled up into a small ball on the other side of the room.

"You! You Emily……you………." But I don't know what it was he was going to say because he suddenly stops and looks around him. He rubs at his nose and turns away from us all and walks to the wall furthest from Sam….he then almost mirrors what the boy is doing by hunkering down and putting his hands over his head and he howls…..

A dreadful sound….

The sound of demons…..not of man.

As soon as I have seen Reid is with Sam I walk slowly to Floyd. I swear if I didn't know him better that he was crying…but I know he's not. "Floyd…Floyd sweety." I put my hand on the hands he has wrapped around him… "Hey it's ok….we just need to relax a bit." And he reaches up and takes my hand and he is pulling me down next to him…

"Sweety?" he whispers to me, "I don't believe I have ever been called that before."

So I slide my free arm around his shoulders. "I don't know what's going on, but you need to count to ten before you start attacking people."

I can see him turn his face to look at me and I feel his hand squeeze mine. "Do I need to count to ten before I start fucking them too?"

Was this a joke? I really don't know. "Might help."

"Might give them a chance to run away though."

"You should try talking nicely to them first. It helps."

He is shaking his head. "Sheep don't listen Princess…they see me and run."

"You need to sort out Sam. He wasn't doing anything wrong."

And he nods again. "Sort him out?"

"Not like that….go and give the child a hug for goodness sake." His hand I suddenly realise is on my chest….I look down at it and then back up at Floyd. "What the hell are you doing?" I push his hand off me.

"Squeezing your tits darling."

* * *


	20. Chapter 20 Time’s Up

Chapter 20

Time's Up

_Tin Het once moaned: - no more damned quotes!_

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.

* * *

It's not like I even like them….just fancied a squeeze…people can get so up themselves over the smallest of things….

And Emily Prentiss…they are the smallest of things…a nice little handful….She's up and gone now though and left me to my self pity. Fuck them all…I only want Spencer really anyway and he'll come to me.

Funny how the world can turn to shit so quickly.

I just wanted to be with him. I just wanted to be there with him to help him through his damned nightmares.

My stash is crapped out now. I have no smokes…and my powder is sweaty which means that it's no good either. I need something before I crack up…everything…every little thing is getting too much…The light…the dark…the noise…that oppressive silence…and now this…they are ignoring me. Let them.

I wrap my arms around my head again and curl up as tightly as I can. Hopefully they will carry on without me. Hopefully – maybe forget I'm here.

Back – a long time back….many many years back now…I kidnapped a baby.

I snatched from its mother's arms virtually. Not quite…It was sleeping in a thing in a garden…and I could smell it. They have a special smell they do…milk and love and kindness. They are the ultimate thing to have you know….and back then….I was walking down this country lane…the clan was moving on and I was lagging behind…and I was probably about uh – eighteen at the time…and there it was…just laying there in the garden, so I climbed over the gate and walked up to it and just stood looking at it for the longest of times…just staring at it…and I could smell the mother's milk and the love and the tenderness and I needed that. I needed that cos that's something I never had….so I reached down and lifted it from the cot thing and wrapped it in a yellow blanket and just walked off with it.

Obviously I wasn't allowed to keep it. It was taken from me as soon as Iolanda found out. The bastard….taking things from me my whole damned life. He told me the baby couldn't stay with us…that it wasn't one of us….I shouldn't have taken it. I told him I was able to care for it…I told him I would make a good parent….and he laughed at me…he laughed and he waggled his finger in my face and he said…. _'May the gods of Pluto help any offspring of yours….you are just low down filth….you will never have a child of your own…and you will not have this one.' _ And that was the end of it. The end of that small bit of parenthood. I don't know what happened to that baby…but a couple of months later I took another….with a bit more force this time. The mother was walking with the child in a pram…and I walked up behind her and snapped her neck and took the child. Again Iolanda took it from me. His goons sat on me and my darling uncle kicked the shit out of me telling me this is exactly why on this watch I won't have kids….besides he shouted at me….spitting at me. _'You're a fag….a dirty bit of perverted filth….you are nothing and you won't have kids….forget it….find something else….go play with your little faggot boyfriend…go fuck his baby brains out you freak.' _ And it was probably that day that I started plotting killing Iolanda.

I told other kids. From time to time I'd snatch one from a playground or a park…but never did anything…I just wanted to smell the innocence…

Well…this diatribe is all leading to the fact that Iolanda was right. I had…have…that's a confusing matter now….two darlings….Rosa…who I would – maybe die for but I killed her anyway…and Sam…Sam who is me…and I am a pretty crap parent. But my defence on this is that you learn by what you see….and I saw crap…I learnt it….and I suppose Sam is too…but would I kill him? Would I do to him what I did to Rosa…?

I look over at the huddle of the three of them…Whispering…bah!! Plotting….and sometimes I feel like Gollum and they are the damned sodding hobbits…about to nick my ring again….But I'll have theirs first…

I pull back into myself and curl up tighter and it's then that the hands touch me. "Hey."

Spencer.

I don't move.

"Floyd…let me in…tell me what's wrong."

What makes him think there is anything wrong? And if there was how could he ever understand.

"I need a snort Spence…I'm out…." Is what I say.

"I wish I could help you. I don't have anything."

Ah the gods…that makes me eyes water….and I reach out and grab his hands…. "Yes you do." But I can't ask for it….that's the way shit works…it's got to be offered.

-o-o-o-

"Prentiss!" Reid is calling over to me. I pat Sam on the head and with a sigh I get up. Reid is standing near to Flanders with a frown on his face. "We need to go back…He is ill…I don't like it down here for obvious reasons….we need to go back again."

I walk over to him and look down at Flanders who has resumed his pea-bug position facing the wall. "What's wrong with him?" Though I can take a good guess as the light shines off the sweat on the back of his neck. "He's out of drugs?"

And Spencer does a quick nod…. "We can't stay down here…whatever reason it was he brought us here in the first place…he's forgotten."

"It was to help you…you tosser." The voice of Sam "He brought you down here cos he thought you were dying…and now he's out of snort and his brain will explode and that will be the end of him…until he re-grows it, but the rats will have him down to the bones before he get his next fuck."

"Sam….please." I look at the boy who looks so cute but has the mouth of a pig

"What?!"

"Emily help me." And Spencer is moving back to Floyd again and trying to pull him out of the curled up state he is in.

-o-o-o-

I can't stand them touching me. I just want to be left now…why are they doing this….leave me alone…I want to scream at them…I just can't take anymore of it. Sam needs to get us there….I can't think of the way now.

"I know the way." Sam. Good boy Sam….sort this fucking mess out will you…

I crawl…I don't want to walk…and I think I bit Spencer when he touched me. "Leave me alone." I know I hissed. But I don't know who to or why or when. I am bleeding for every place on my damned body you can think of…I can hear it dripping from my ears and I can feel it pouring from me nose and Spencer is making fussing worried sounds and I just want him to not look and keep walking…but he wants to make things better…I know that. I know he means well…just don't fucking touch me…..just don't look at me…my heart stopped a while back and I don't think I've been breathing properly for a while. Just pretend shit to stop Spence panicking again. He has the paddles…I could ask him to try it out again…maybe rip me open and stick them right on my heart….if you can find it….

I want to zap Spence. When we've sorted this….

When it's over….

When we have got what we came for and I have got Spence what he wants…and I have what I want.

And I want a happy Spencer. I want a Spencer who works at the BAU…who uses his brain to catch the bad guys….I want that Spence again…Not sure what's going to happen to Em…I might have to start over with her….or maybe Sam will twist things…Just a little….a tiny twist….

"Sam." I cough the word out and splatter the ground with blood and gore and he runs to me….

"What?" He kneels down in front of me.

"How much further?" He glances behind him…. "Ten minutes…maybe a bit more….not far."

"I need you to do something for me."

-o-o-o-

I watch them and they are if you can think of it that way…quite sweet together…Father and son….or clone…whatever he is…I honestly don't think Floyd is capable of siring a child…but that might be because I don't want him to….because I can never do that for him…because I a guy. I push my hair off my face and glance at Emily who looks probably more like a man than I do now. She has good muscles and a broad back…I can see why Floyd would like her. I don't. I don't like her…she is snide and bitchy…but that's just to me…and probably because……

Ah……we are on the move again….Floyd has slowed down considerably but he wont let me help him. He wont let me touch him…He won't look at me. I think he is dying…and I can't help him…I don't know how to help him…but Sam does. Sam is showing us the way to whatever it is Floyd needs….A stash of drugs I don't doubt….and we will …..he will….spend the next day getting high on some fungus or root or whatever it is we are slowly making our way to.

"Here." Sam again.

Floyd finally gets to his feet and in slow wet staggering movements makes his way over to Sam.

"We need to stay together….like hold hands or something…but I have to sort this first."

I walk forward and take Floyd's hand and this time he looks at me and smiles. "All for you babes. Did this all for you."

I see the look Sam gives him…and I see the quick sharp shake of the head in return and I know it's all lies again…but I'm beyond caring now. Prentiss I see has taken Floyd's other hand and Sam had picked something up out of an alcove….

A clock…. Which he stands on a pedestal in around the middle of the room and starts to dismantle it. I remember all the clocks back at the house and frown. I then turn to Floyd.

"I need to ask you something."

And he turns to me and smiles. "Anything babes."

All these bones…

He nods…..

"Not one skull….I've not seen one….why not?"

He frowns at me again…and sighs.

"Because…babes…"

but he didn't finish…. "Ready." Sam announces.

"Did you do what I asked?" Floyd's voice already sounds stronger.

"Yes daddy…I did what you asked."

He walks over and takes my hand in one of his and Emily's in the other

"tick tock…folks…count to ten….close your eyes and see you the other side of last year."

* * *

**A/N: End for now….to be continued somewhere else….in another AU**


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